h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We have guide entries on both huntsman spiders A20555156

and funnel-web spiders: A17923421

That latter entry has one of my favourite bits of the Edited Guide:

"One resident known to this Researcher, put on clothes with a Funnel-web attached. To the great amusement of his mates he ran screaming in panic around the campfire, stripped naked and chucked the offending shirt and arachnid into the fire. It even caused him to drop his beer, which is an indictable offence in Australia."

A friend of my wife's tells a story of driving a small car across Australia with three other big lads. They were going at about 60mph one day when they found a huntsman spider jumping around inside the car. Even after they had apparently killed it, it continued to jump around, with all four of them screaming.

My sister found a huntsman spider when staying at my cousin's caravan park at Kangaroo Lake...

... Dad said her language was most unlady like, among the screams!

Huntsmans are cute and furry. I've shared houses with them before; they have regular patrol routes and keep down the number of insects. I suspect them of being intelligent.

Redbacks, on the other hand, are whacked with the nearest available shoe as soon as they're seen. They're deadly. (Vestboy, you'll recognise them; they have a red back. We're a very literal lot sometimes.)

What type of shoe is recommended?
Lots of Aussies wear less than robust footwear.

Ideally it would be a shoe that isn't being worn at the time. Stilettos are not ideal. The joy of rubbery flip-flop things (what we call 'thongs', but that seems to mean something quite different in other parts of the world) is that you can get a good swing with them and there's no tread that will need cleaning out afterwards.

If there's no convenient shoe, a phone book is also useful.

My former housemate preferred to use insecticide. On one occasion she emptied the entire can and the redback was still moving, so she hit it with the empty can. Unfortunately she then had to call a tiler to replace the soapdish in the shower which had also been a victim of her exterminating zeal.

I've seen that happen - emptying entire can with no effect - on cockroaches.

I think those roaches are in cahoots with the bug-spray people. It's probably bug food.

What bothers me is the spiders that run *towards* the spray - they seem to enjoy it.

Topic drift is fun, isn't it?

Vestie - Not the Thongs!!!... Try your speedos instead

unavoidable anyway, apparently

What about the budgie in my speedos? Nobody told me what to do with that while I whack spiders with them. Do you think it would get on with the ferrets I normally have in my underwear?

What you choose to do with your budgie is entirely up to you. It's a free country, and all that... Just make sure it has access to a bit of cuttlefish.

Budgies sharpen their beaks on cuttlefish, Pierce.

Mind you, I'm not sure if Vestboy wants that going on in his Speedos...

he probably prefers

I do

Could I hit the spider with the cuttlefish instead? It might sneakily lay eggs in my speedos while I was squishing it.

i'm confused now, what are you squishing in your speedos