h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tip of the day:

Avoid upsetting the car-park attendant by parking in the designated bays.

Tip of the week:

Got a big 4x4 with Bull-bars on the front? Then run over the officious little b*stard's kiosk on the way out.

Tip of the month:

Do the above when he's in it!

And then reverse, brandishing a doctored copy of the OED which has the entry 'murder' amended to include 'except where the victim works in Buyrite car park'.

Here's a tip, girls:

Want to make new friends? Avoid announcing an affiliation to a far-right neo-nazi political party. Easy-peasy!

Here's another top tip for the ladies:

Want some DIY doing? Offer to shag the man of the house STRAIGHT AFTER HE'S FINISHED THE AFOREMENTIONED DIY! Dah-dah! Shelves up in record time...

Hello all,

I have SO enjoyed reading the housework tips!

Here's one that works for me.

Dirty floor? Kids getting under your feet? Make them useful then and attach floor wipes to their foreheads.

Sick of hoovering? I know I am! Throw the hoover out of the window!

Well we all know the way to a man’s heart. If you’re still having trouble with the directions, then this delicious recipe should ease the path for you. It combines the best of pure French cuisine with those personal little touches which define a home-cooked meal.

Take a large shopping bag and go to the butchers. The best ones are those with a display of really large continental sausages hanging up on the window. Go in and ask him questions about the provenance of his big salami and whether it's well hung, what does he use his huge chopper for etc etc. This will distract him whilst you slip a piece of scrag end into your basket. Giggle and explain you’ve forgotten your purse and then RLF.

Walk back through the market where you should be able to find a large selection of perfectly good vegetables lying on the ground. Even it they’re not perfectly good, it doesn’t matter as Real Men only eat potatoes.

At home, thoroughly braise the meat in extra-virgin motor oil. Peel veg. (if you can’t be arsed to do this it doesn’t matter, but do make sure you remove all traces of chewing gum and any other foreign matter as this will spoil the delicate fragrance of the dish.)

Bang it all into a casserole and cook at gas mark 4 until he comes home from the pub. Garnish with iron filings and serve immediately. Top Tip: if he’s stayed on for afters, you may find the sheen has gone off the meat. In this case, simply spray lightly with WD40 .

After this little lot you are guaranteed a night of pure passion the like of which Scheherazade could only dream. Of.

Hazel, many thanks for your tips - and what a delicious recipe!

I went to the butchers, as you suggested and managed to snaffle a few pigs' trotters as well, which I then distributed discreetly into various old ladies' shopping bags.

Sarnia, rofl, I used to hang about with girls like you at school, my mother said I would come to a bad end. Still haven't found it.

Magster,

Maybe this is the bad end she was referring to...

Hi Magster,

Must tell you that the pig trotter story is actually based on fact! Wasn't me who was the culprit though, but Mr. Sarnia in his University days.

Oh Sarnia, sounds like me and Mr Sarnia got up to the same sort of pranks. Did he ever get frozen prawns and then stuff them inside cushions or pop them in a little bag and then glue it to the wall side of a radiator? The smell is unbelievable after a few days and the poor victim can never trace the source.

I used to share a place with a couple of blokes, and one of them was the most unbelievable slob (my comment about eating a kebab and wiping your fingers on the curtains was based on him doing just that). He kept eating in his room and leaving the plates and cutlery in there, so we had to go and collect it up to wash up.

One day, in late spring, he had some kippers, and as usual left the plate in his room. We put it, complete with leftovers, in the top compartment of his wardrobe, behind some clothes. It was there well into the summer, stank like crazy and all his suits smelled of fish! Everyone where he worked took the p*ss out of him!

Was it your experiences there max that made you the lovely house wife you are today

Magster,

It was a big house we shared, and I had a sort of Granny-Flat extension on the side of it (I worked shifts then, so it made sense as I didn't disturb the others when I went to/came back from work). As this was self-contained, complete with en-suite, I had to look after it myself.

It made me the girly wuss I am today!

don’t tell any of the blokes, but I did cooking for GCSE. Got an "A", too.

Ugh: Dr S is a girl! (and a young one at that if she did GCSE).

Pat, that's the sort of thing eight year old boys say Are you a girly hater or do you just prefer shagging them?

I hate girls, except for shagging.

BLOKES: DO NOT READ BELOW>
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Truth is, I love cooking and do 90% of mine and Mrs Pen's.

Well said, Pat!

LADIES DO NOT READ THE BELOW

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I do most of the cooking for us, too. I really like it. And the best bit is, you also get to do all the washing-up afterwards. Brilliant!

Guess who is coming for tea...the magster mob, yum yum