h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Are you lot still here cluttering up space and getting under my feet?

Haven't you holes to drill and other manly occupations?

I've only ten minutes to get to that henhouse and wring Bertha's neck. Mr. Sarnia fancies Coq au something tonight.

Oh, and I've got to dig some potatoes up and then look glamorous for when my better half gets home.

Well if you'd done it this morning while we were out earning your dress money, instead of sitting around on your @rse drinking orange juice and watching TV, you wouldn't be in this fix now, would you?

I take great exception to that comment Pat. I was NOT sitting around on my @rse drinking orange juice, I was lying on my chaise longe (sp) eating bon-bons whilst watching television.

Please get your facts straight before you post to me in future.

Oh, and give us a hand with plucking this damn chicken.

Pat Pen is an excellent and enthusiastic chicken plucker!!

Bushy is an expert at choking the chicken, I believe.

And Bushy is very much not a pheasant plucker.

That's right V Max! Anyone need their chicken choking whilst I'm here?



What have I said? What???

Anyway... I have to go now because the Vicar has just called and he needs his chicken choking tonight so I must rush! He wants doing in front of his wife so that she can do it while I am on holiday.

See you everyone ...

Now then, where's me choking gloves?

Don't bash the bishop while you're round at the vicar's now will you?

Honestly. Talk about lowering the tone. Anyway, I know you all look forward to my housekeeping tips, so here's one which will be very useful if you've had a visit from one of those 5Livers, or any other similar uncouth chaps.

If some-one spills red wine, Guinness, beer or curry on your carpet, the chances are that you will be left with a nasty stain. This is because the spiller tried to hide what they had done by casually covering it up with the Racing Post while you were in the kitchen throwing together some tasty nibbles (extra large bag of Cheesy Wotsits into a basket kind of thing).

By the time you come to clear up the following week, the stain is set. Don't panic! Simply go into your kitchen and find a selection of standard food products - sauces are very good particularly tomato, brown, soya etc. also yoghurt (any flavour) or those horrible diet shakes. Now, spread blobs from each of these in an artistic pattern around the carpet. Don't forget those bits under the sofa! As if by magic, the original stain has entirely disappeared!

This works with unmentionable stains as well. But I won't mention that.

Hazel thanks for that. Does it work on wood too or is it just carpet? Hope you having a lovely day doing your housework today. I am. Don't you find that having a clean home when the sun is shining a most gratifying thing?

Here's another tip:

To avoid getting dog hair all over the carpets and furniture, avoid buying a dog.

Do any other readers have useful housekeeping tips?

I have just followed Hazel's most excellent tip and I have to tell you - it's not going down well with the rest of the household. They claim it's a waste of damn fine and tasty products.

Does Tone do a line in cheap floor coverings?

Cotton buds make great pugil sticks if you want to recreate 'Joust' from TV's Gladiators and are using hamsters. You can then use the hamster to clean down the back of the sofa.

Pat - I really like that one. Can I use it in my forthcoming book - Hazel's Handy Household Hints for Hussies?

Here's a useful tip I picked up from a car-park attendant:

To avoid the risk of getting red wine stains on your carpet, take the bottle of red wine, place it in a brown paper bag, put your coat on and go and drink it in the park. You make new friends, too! Easy!

Ladies, keep bread soft and moist by storing in a bucket of water! Also ladies, avoid embarrassing accidents in public by not driving.

Hi CG, I guess you have been busy with housework all day like the rest of us. (this is what's known as posting an alibi).

Hey - if people object to the way you clean the carpet, tell them to do it themselves. You won't get any more complaints, believe me.

To avoid those little stains that are so embarrassing when staying in a hotel, make love in the foyer instead.

I met a new friend in the park the other day - a little sad, with his cat, Pooter curled up on his lap.

He seemed to display a degree of discomfort when sitting down....difficult time in a Fife house of correction I believe, but a fount of knowledge when it came to household stains.