h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Az... You really have done all you can.

This is my third attempt to write something. Very little reduces me to uncontrollable tears...

I read your post about 15 minutes ago az and haven't been able to hold back the tears since then. We've all know this was inevitable for a long time but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

It is going to hurt like hell when the time comes and you will sob and sob and I don't blame you because it is so painful. Let it all out though. Don't "put on a brave face" for anybody.

We all love your cranky Lua very much but not a fraction of how much you love her.

all my love, Lady.

Az, I am so very sorry. A for you all.

I'm feeling a little teary. Your email got me thinking about my little Squeaky, only to recall that I had to make the same decision for her, 6 years ago yesterday.

SC

hi again,

Just got up and am making some coffee. Noggin and I are going to hang out in Lua's room until Maria comes (in about an hour or so). It really is a enormous help that he is here with me now.

Lua 'acked' at me a few minutes ago and it felt so sad to think, well, you know. Her last 'ack'?

She had a bit of ham for breakfast but seems more thirsty than hungry.

Last night I got up a few times and went into her room to cuddle her and each time she was wide awake. Then I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her sleeping. I think maybe the breathing difficulties keep her from sleeping much? And it was yesterday when I first noticed the odd posture, like she was holding herself up a bit on her front legs - either to help her breathe better or else to take off pressure from the tumour (which is now the size of an egg - well, the part visible outside her body).

Anyhow, she seems quite perky this morning and also seems to want company, so I'm going to go back to her room now. If she looked worse I'd feel more sure that I should be doing this today. Though it is clear that her breathing is becoming worse. And the point is that I *don't* want to wait until she has suffered too much.

Meanwhile, Lady, I'm not putting on a brave face at all. My eyes are still quite red and swollen from yesterday. And Noggin promises to be strong for me, so I can fall apart if I need or want to and he'll help put me back together again. I'm so lucky he's here.

az

My thoughts are with you and Lua, az. You have made the right decision, it is time to let Lua go. You have both been gifted with a very special time and you will always carry the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for Lua, az.

Give her a kiss from me and Cassie.

az



It /is/ today. The new moon, the new month, the Turning of the Year to winter.

Time to let her go, my love.

She will walk strong and have a very interesting time. And probably visit, once she finds her way around.

Cats are half-way there already, you know that.

Jez the irrational heathen.

az

Lua - sleep well darling



az

az,

I'm so very sorry.



F

It was as peaceful as could be hoped for. And once again I am so grateful to Maria for coming to my home to do this - it would have been horrible for Lua's last moments to have been being afraid in the cat cage and then lying on a cold metal table in an unfamiliar and scary place.

I have to admit that I balked at the last minute and Maria was very understanding, saying she didn't want to rush me and that she could come back at any other time if I wanted to change my mind. Though she did say that waiting was more for my own peace of mind and not necessarily what would be best for Lua. She said that most people wait until the animal is in obvious distress but this was not something I wanted to wait for, or put Lua through, simply for my own peace of mind. Also, I know that Maria wouldn't have agreed to do this today if she felt that Lua was still enjoying a good quality of life.

Then Noggin hugged me and said he felt my decision was the right one to do this now, and he helped me overcome my fear.

So first Maria gave Lua an injection of tranquilizer, then we put her back on her little rug and I lay next to her with her head in my hand until she started getting drowsy. I talked to her constantly and kissed her on the head and tried not to cry too much. I told her how much I loved her and how much everyone (all of you) loved her too. That she was the most-loved beautiful girl ever. And that I was trying to be strong for both of us and that I hoped she could understand that this was a 'gift' I was giving her - a relatively painless death rather than waiting for her to suffer more than she had been suffering this past week. I told Lua that this was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my entire life and that I hoped she knew it was because I loved her too much to let her suffer more.

Then Maria said it was time and gently gave her the lethal injection in a vein in her front leg while I was still kissing Lua on the head and telling her how much I loved her. At which point Lua lost consciousness and Maria said that she was no longer aware of any pain. Then Maria asked Noggin to take me out of the room while she gave another injection in the heart. It actually took awhile, maybe ten minutes, for Lua's body to give in - it was still fighting to live even though Lua was no longer conscious. I came back into the room after the second injection and held and kissed Lua and talked to her until Maria finally said - 'she's gone'. And I felt my heart break into a million pieces.

It's three hours later now and I honestly don't know how to feel. Noggin and I have just opened a bottle of cava that we'd been saving for a special occasion next week - we thought we should raise a glass to Lua and give thanks for having known her, for all that was and still is Lua.

My most beautiful girl.

I almost can't believe that she is gone. She still feels so very much *here*. And I guess she always will. And I do know that I will never stop loving her.

Maria told me my decision today was a very brave one, and she said she felt sure she wouldn't have been able to do it herself with her own cat. That she would have to leave the decision to her brother, even if she knew it was for the best.

But I didn't feel brave doing this. And I don't feel brave now. I did it in spite of feeling scared and full of doubt and afraid of the pain I knew I was going to feel afterwards. But now that the pain is there I know I can withstand it. And, as I told Lua, the pain is a reflection of how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her but no matter what - it was all worth it. The pain I feel now is for the loss of this little being that shared my life for twelve years. We've been through thick and thin together. We shared a lot.

So Noggin and I raised our glasses 'to Lua' and I thanked her for twelve wonderful years of knowing her.

My most beautiful girl.


az

I feel very lucky that Lua was kind enough to let into her house.

I'm thinking of you, and we will raise a glass for her tonight.

I can't think what to type, only that I know we are all feeling for you, I'm crying my eyes out. You did the right thing Az.

Thanks, Blues, though Lua didn't actually 'let you into her house', she just sorta put up with you being there.

The crankiest cat on four paws, my darling girl.

Yes, do raise a glass for her tonight. And thank you.


az

Thanks Kaz, and also everyone else here who loved (loves?) Lua.

I've gone a bit numb now, with the help of the wine.

Blues can attest to Lua's very strong personality. She was always something to be reckoned with. My cranky girl. But she almost couldn't help it. I was never sure about her first two years before I adopted her - how her previous owners had treated her. She came to me quite cranky and eschewing any sort of affection I tried to give her. But eventually I wore her down! Until she came to quite enjoy getting kisses on her head.

Still, she never enjoyed being picked up. And this ended up being why I only discovered her tumour by accident one day last February - having to pick her up to move her from my chair when a student arrived for class. And well, you all know the rest of that story.

I think I am happier that - again by chance - this was done this morning rather than last night. She had a last breakfast of shaved ham (though she didn't eat much) and Noggin and I sat with her drinking coffee until Maria arrived. And all during our waiting I talked to her and told her over and over again how much I loved her.

And so, now I have to get used to life without Lua.

I do hope I did the right thing. But now that it's done, well, I just have to accept it. Which is the hard part.


az

Oh look, my name has been moderated. I've had 'te quiero mucho, Lua' (I love you very much, Lua) as my tag for almost a month now. This morning I added 'y para siempre' (and forever) to my tag, but now I am suddenly researcher 220722.

Nice one, guys.

Fine, I've changed my name again to having no tag line.

Satisfied?


az

Doing something when you feel scared IS being brave, az.

Doing something when you feel brave is usually just being stupid.

Knowing that you have done the best you could, the best anyone could, not just today but since February doesn't make it easier, I know. Just take our word for it for now and in time it'll make the grief easier to bear.

I'm glad Noggin is there with you. Let him take care of you.



F

Not much more I can say.

I don't think you could have been anymore caring for Lua. The wine sounds like a good idea.

It reminds of Fluffy, when she deteriated I left her alone, because I felt that animals need to be alone when they leave (not dogs and cats, but other animals who don't have that close relationship). We went out and got alcohol and she was trying in a comotose state again to get to the other side of her cage.

We took her out to give her some water, and held her for a few hours. Talking to her, just as you did with Lua, it was strange that she seemed to want our company.

I don't mean to take anything away from you, but talking of this, but it reminded me so much and I couldn't stop thinking of it and needed to say it.

I still cry over Fluffy, and she was a hamster with us for just 18 months. I felt cheated that she left at the soonest opportunity, they are meant to live for 18 months to 3 years. I still feel cheated and I still miss her. Its been nearly a year. I can't imagine how that is multiplied for Lua, with whom you had a much closer realtionship for a much longer time.