h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I hope Blues Shark and his girlfriend have a nice holiday. I'm sure with you looking after them they will have.

Here's my suggestion for your pension: write a book.

You've led a varied and interesting life thus far (I assume, from your descriptions of changes of career, lifestyle and country of residence) so I'm sure you have plenty of experiences on which to draw. You are obviously highly literate, intelligent and erudite and you have a clarity of style to be envied. Do it. In fact to encourage you I'm going to keep asking you how it's going so you'll have to get on with it.

This summer? Oh, we'll probably do a late booking somewhere off the internet. We like the Greek Islands and Italy and usually go in late season. We were thinking about a Mediterranean cruise if we can get a good deal. We also like to holiday in Britain sometimes so we might have a week in the South of England if the weather looks promising. I'll let you know what we decide.

Now, how's that book coming along? Got a title yet?

F

Thank you for the compliments! In fact, I did write a novel a few years ago - absolutely dreadful! But it did give me an excuse to drink lots of wine and smoke lots of cigs. Hmmm, not sure what I'd write about but I shall let that idea roll around in my mind for awhile and see if anything happens.

Blues was here last summer for two weeks so he knows his way around quite well. And although I'm sure I'll have tapas and do a few things with him and SLG, I'm quite sure they will also want to do romantic stuff on their own. Anyhow, it will be nice to meet SLG in person after having just spoken to her here and by email.

This will be Noggin's first ever trip abroad. And since I usually don't have many classes in September I'll be able to be a very attentive tour guide. Though I have suggested that he learn a little 'survival Spanish' before he comes.

SLG says she wants to learn how to swear in Spanish and I'm sure I'll be able to give her a few lessons.

Sounds like you've got some nice ideas for a holiday. Being a 'prisoner in Sevilla' I tend to 'holiday' with others when they come here. But I like that. I quite enjoy showing off my beautiful city.

az

You're welcome.

I've got a plot for your novel if you're interested but if I post it here someone'll have it out in paperback before you can say "Harry Potter".

I think I'd like to meet Noggin myself but I'm not sure if he'd want to meet me. I'm sure you will be the perfect host for his Spanish adventure.

Oops, got to go but I'll catch you again later.

F

You could always email your plot idea to me!

Why wouldn't Noggin want to meet you? And what is funny about me being a 'perfect host'?


az

I might do that.

And the was to do with Noggin not wanting to meet me. It was a joke; I have no reason to suppose Noggin or anyone would not want to meet me. Although most might not wish to do so down a dark alley... Your being a 'perfect host' warrants more of an I imagine you'd be a very good guide to the best places in Seville. A real Sevillian I would think.

Do you suppose 'Seville' and 'civil' stem from the same etymological root?

I'd like to write a book. I would write under the name of Biro. It's not my real name; it would be a pen name.

F

Hi Kelli,

Did you ever fancy writing a book?

I think we should join forces and encourage az to write one. What do you think?

Or perhaps we could all join in and write one here? It wouldn't do as an edited entry because it would be fiction but there must be scope on here somewhere to write a story. The Underguide perhaps.

Any ideas?

By the way, how's the Discovery Health thing going? Have you been on TV yet?

F

Hi Fathom,
I did the first official filming day yesterday. It was a pretty long day with lots of waiting in it, but they did eventually get around to giving me my consultation and I am now armed with the 'The Food Doctor Diet' book. I have a seven day detox to follow (will start tomorrow as it finished so late last night I couldn't do the shopping) that looks dreadful - nowhere near enough food! This is ironic as he said that the reason I get stuck when I diet is that I don't eat enough I can't have any caffieine or sugar or alcohol for 7 days and they should be restricted afterwards but not banned.

Basically the diet after the seven days is to have small balanced meals often. The meals should be 40% protein, 40% carbs from veg and 20% startchy carbs (like brown rice or pasta). My first feeling on seeing the pictures of the recipes in the book is that all the dinners look like starters! They look lovely, but way too small.

I will give it a try though, I have nothing to lose but my stomach (and my sense of humour, and mental health...)

The program will go out (as I suspected) in January, just in time for the post-christmas diet boom and everyone's new year's resolutions. I will be episode 3

Have never really thought about writing a book, I don't have the discipline or the creativity - and the old adage might be that everyone has a book in them, but that doesn't mean to say mine would be a good one...

But hell yes, az should write one! What would your book be about az?

k

"...all the dinners look like starters..."

Good Luck

F

<>

Well, I'm still waiting for Fathom to tell me.

Good luck with the diet and programme, btw.


az

Perhaps I should write a book about various people who meet on a public forum site and how these chance meetings affect their lives. A bit like a Robert Altman film with the 'virtual' and 'real life' stories overlapping here and there. . .


az

Hi az,



There's some mileage in that thought I think. Throw in a 'Sleepless in Seattle' style romance between two people (two gay men for a contemporary twist) and you're getting close to my plot idea.

My idea (what the hell) included the sudden disappearance of the chat room, due to some virus/ terrorist activity/ political interference sub-plot. Two people who have become friends try to regain contact on the 'net but constantly fail for various (amusing, if this is a comedy) reasons. Independently they realise there is one way they could meet and then have a race against time to reach the one place and time they know they both share. Add some good characterisations and a few bizarre plot twists and you've got a novel.

Let me know when you've written the first chapter.

F

Hmmmm . . . so we were thinking along similar lines, eh? Which, given where we are, is probably not all that imaginitive.

I think I still like the idea of an 'ensemble' cast of characters rather than focussing on just two people, since this is also the nature of a forum.

Possibly would work better as a screenplay than a novel.

So, how was your weekend? Got that room finished yet? I am feeling quite good these days.


az

Not all that imaginative either.

And you're looking good too, if I may say so.

Room? Erm.. no. It's a good job she's not in a hurry. Watched some tennis though. Good luck Tim!!

I don't know if it's easier to get a screenplay published but it's worth going for if you want to do it. Go with your own ideas though because they're always more real that way. Adapting someone else's idea is hard to do well because you don't have a full picture in your mind in the same way you do with your own. Make sure you write a 'Fathom' character in - an international man of misery.

F

That last line was so good that I am going to overlook your pedantic pointing out of my typo.

Looking good? Well, bear in mind that only one of my photos in the gallery is up-to-weight . . . I mean *date*.

Well, perhaps the novel/screenplay will become a summer project.


az

Act one. Scene one.

Fathom enters, stage right, and speaking in a resonant 'Patrick Stewart' voice: "azahar, my dear, Hoo is asking for you".

azahar, svelte and sexy in black with a French Canadian accent: "Who? Oh, Hoo. Tell him I can't see him right now. I have an appointment with Logicus. He has a message for me".

Fathom: "Fine man, Logicus. Busy too. Always has time for you, though I notice".

azahar: "Ha! You *are* jealous".

Voiceover: <>

azahar: "There, that proves it. How can you say such a thing".

Fathom: "Huh? What did I say?"

Curtain.

F

ooooo I like the 'svelte and sexy in black' bit!


az

Hi az,
just a bit of cross-thread pollenation...

was trawling through the b'log in the gallery thread and somebody posted a link to a picture of Janet Monheit. If you read the article they talk of the use of "such a pretty face" in exactly they way I have experienced it, where you can hear the regret as it is uttered. This is what I meant before.

"The other issue about Jane Monheit that bears discussion is her size. Jane is unquestionably a full-figured woman who carries more than a few "extra pounds," and still, every media article enthuses about her tremendous beauty. There is hardly ever any mention of her weight, or any concessions that she looks great "for a big girl," or has "such a pretty face." People just seem to agree that she's sexy and beautiful, without special qualification."

So how many chapters have you written so far? Am I in it?

k

<>

Oh, little miss greedy now, are we? Not content with being a television star, she now wants to also be portrayed in a novel!

Yeah, I saw that thing about Janet Monheit. She is very beautiful, in fact her face reminded me of Mother of God. Who also says she wants to lose about 20-30 pounds. I personally have a problem equating the extra tonnage I'm carrying around right now with anything that could be considered 'sexy'. Which I am told is just STUPID but I can't help it. I mean, I can look quite okay in clothes but who the hell would ever find naked 'thunder thighs' or massive 'jamone' upper arms sexy???

Meanwhile, the hootoo story is incubating in my mind. I think it would be quite fun to actually write it. And I promise to put you in it.

az

Hi ladies,



I've an idea which might help with your characterisations but it might already have been done, I don't know. In a similar vein to the photo gallery, start a thread asking 'who would you want to play you in the film of your life'? People can pick actors or just celebrities they think match their looks, personality or both as the main player in their biopic.

Dennis Waterman would be my choice; although he's older than me that shouldn't be a reason not to pick someone. If you see yourself as a Veronica Lake or Lauren Bacall for example that's fine.

Whatd'ya think?

F