h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There was a man who had a plan
to change his from Stan to Dianne.
But instead he changed it to Flo
but he has begun to glow
whenever he is playing a game of croquet
or attending the coffee morning at Renee's cafe.

So please come with me and give Tone the dog a bone.
And the dog will go and play the trombone.
But don't forget to bring him a present of eau-de-cologne
as well as large Devonshire strawberry and cream scone.
If you do a wiggle, he may reward you with a giggle.
And if you can't juggle properly, you may end up turning into a muggle.

There once was a man named Quidnick,
Who wrote a most strange limerick.
Of lines there were six,
And short lines? Nix, nix!
His second wife gave him arsenic.

There is a dog that sits on the a wooden log
drinking eggnog out of a wooden clog.
There is a cat that meditates on it's yoga mat
but feels very flat after tidying their flat.
There is a gannet called Janet who's from another planet
where they tweet about the health benefits of eating granite.

Do animals dream?
Does the sleeping cat
Dream of rich cream?

The old hound dog
Twitches as he dreams
Of hunting in some bog.

Your face is clean and shining
as you go dancing and wining.
You love to dance a merry jig
when you're wearing a wig.

You like to dress in pink
when you're at the kitchen sink
doing the dishes and making wishes
for lots of cuddles and kisses.

I stand at the kitchen sink,
Washing dishes. I think
Of days gone by when I was young,
Eating egg rolls, egg foo yung.

Come landlord will you please fill our filling cups
with the help of your happy and merry canine pups.
It will fill our hearts with wonder and unending blissful joy
for you are the real McCoy who hails from sunny Illinois.
For to night we will be merry be as we set off to sea
to go on our cultural tour and shopping spree.

I am everybody's sister when I am flying in a twister.
I am known to go down a storm when I am flying with the wind.
I even known to get very energetic whenever I get rid of a foot blister
by rubbing my skin with an ointment made from teat tree oil and citrus rind.

So if you want to know the latest on the street about my friend Pete
go to the local pub or the flashiest and grooviest nightclub
where members of the fashionable elite stay cool in the noonday heat
by getting together in a hot tub to relax & have a facial scrub.

Tornadoes don't give you much warning.
They're something you shouldn't be scorning.
They're scary to see.
They can uproot a tree,
And totally ruin your morning.

I want to break free and go and have another cup of tea.
I want to go on a shopping spree at Southend-on-Sea.
I want to make a plea to all the grocers for organic brie and ghee.
I want to paddle in the sea and listen to Peters & Lee on my CD.

I do hope you fans of Bad Poetry will be following
my latest series in the Post - The Very Verst of ~jwf~.

Here's this week's, a voodoo spell I cast to protect
the Republican National Convention from the ravages
of Hurricane Isaac - quite impossibly sung to the tune
of "On A Train They Call the City of New Orleans":

A87769552


~jwf~

Good morning, Republicans, how are ye?
Don't you know me, I'm your native wind?
I'm the rain they call the Hurricane Isaia.
I'll pass over New Orleans when the day is done.

I am stuck in a long bus queue dipping cheese into a bowl of fondue.
I am stuck on repeat with the superhuman magickal elite who are very neat.
I am stuck with Roo the Kangaroo who's has a tattoo of a flying canoe.
I am stuck waiting for my wand to be repaired with magic superglue.

Well I don't know why I shout out aye at the mention of American apple pie.
I don't know why there's never been an American woman president.
I don't know why there are no X-Men in New York who can fly up to the sky.
I don't know why it get's very wet and windy when I put a tent in a field in Kent.

Come and raise our heads up high as we gaze up to the sky
as we imagine that we can create our own perfect alternate reality
where grass can be transformed into food including lambs fry.
Where those who live by the sea have afternoon tea
every day at 4pm with family & friends that fill them with glee.

In America, apple pie was not invented.
Whoever claimed it was was demented.
American Football? Probably yes.
How, when, and why I can only guess.

American football? Geez what a mess!
and, altho i dislike it, i have to confess
that it got my dad into and thru college
and thusly me too and my sister booboo!!

(refrain)
go team!!
go team!!
rah! rah! rah!
give em 'ell give em 'ell
lah! lah! lah!

The game bruises, concusses and kills
all that padding actually causes more ills...
the lighter you are the faster you move
right to the goal, thru an invisible groove!


(refrain)
go team!!
go team!!
rah! rah! rah!
give em 'ell give em 'ell
lah! lah! lah!

my dad, playing football, injured his knee
and because of that damage, you now have me
you see
he
didnt have to go into combat during world war two
all he had to do
was type and break code and be friendly.

go team!!
go team!!
rah! rah! rah!
give em 'ell give em 'ell
lah! lah! lah!

Football's a sore subject, I guess.
My grasp of the rules is a mess.
A touchdown's a dream.
I belong on no team,
Less useful to them than a dress.

go team!!
go team!!
rah! rah! rah!
give em 'ell give em 'ell
lah! lah! lah!



(sing to the tune of 'tie me kangaroo down'

don't throw in the towel, sport
don't throw in the towel
don't throw in the towel, sport
don't throw in the towel

ohhhhhhhh

go team!!
go team!!
rah! rah! rah!
give em 'ell give em 'ell
lah! lah! lah!