h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Things to do before we go out - lets shout
turn the tele on, and try and ignore it - and shout abit
try and find the keys there near the mobile fone - now loudly moan
open all the windows to let the net curtains out - come on --moan n shout
turn on the music - switch on the kettle - turn on the shower - larf out - naying just a little
Now! Out the front door like S.W.A.T team, roll over the car bonnet like Starsky n Hutch - now scream!
tear off down the road with hooting horn taking the chicane of the dead straight road at top speed -- where gone!
a burger bar in 30 minutes will have another happy customer - Bluuuh!

Oh! We like to kiss
And we love to cuddle
But it's speshully best when we're in a muddle
For according to the Kama Sutra
When you can't tell which bit's yours
And which bit's her own,
Then you've both reached everlasting bliss!
(Well, at least until her dad comes home.)

Boris is a spider,
drinks twelve pints of cider.
Making his waist a lot wider,
now he's too big for his glider.

I hang-glid upon a very large gilded leaf,
With all the conveniences of home,
Beholding sights too grand for belief.
I'll write about it in my next best-selling tome.

pail or pale
hail or ale
where or wear
t'is Christmas time, so I don't care
have a good one one and all
or a ball

profundity,
stunninity,
hugility,
friendshipally,
warmity,
grinability,
laughly,
toastly,
healthly,
cheersy!

I ride high in the saddle,
Towsled, frowzled, black and blue.
I used to travel with a paddle,
But forget to get a canoe.

A wish too far

Aah, aah, aah, take me to the bar,
as long as it's not too far.
To chat with my friends who were a bit round the bend,
when they try to get to Daigon Alley in the West End.
With magic spells that take them to random hotels,
everytime they hear a bell ring and strange aromatic smells.

lets just chill on this hill
of an ieberg and float into remote
clink our gins together
salute the sun wet our moustaches
and breath fire and grin at our ice creams

Happy Holidays or not

Happy holiday,
Happy holiday, happy holiday.
Mae and Faye are on the sleigh,
with their gold cache.
Sent to them by Ray,
who thinks he is a dray.

While the shop tills keep ringing,
with shoppers with bargains that they are clinging.
Goods from the shelves are flinging.
And the sound of happy shoppers singing.

Happy holiday, happy holiday
Let's start dancing and swinging.
Listening to the beat of the drums that go winging.
With happy faces with smiles that are beaming.

Happy holidays to you and your beau,
whilst you are waiting in a queue.
For the shopping bargains and a glass of special brew.
With goods that you accrue ready for you to construe a zoo.

Come to your local inn,
where people sing songs written by Irvin Berlin.
You will see your own twin,
and everything you wear makes you look thin.
All the bingo games and raffles you will always win.
So come to your local inn and have a sloe gin.

If you are Star Trek fan and you want to go to the Baku,
all you have to do is get on a and pursue your beau.
Where he will be there getting younger as you read the review of the Peru.
And he'll make your favourite beef stew cooked over a fire lit with bamboo.

If you can't find Doctor Who.
And all you find is a kangaroo.
And you lost the chance to say adieu,
so go and ask the crew to fly you to see the Galifreyan Tattoo.

If you're starting to frown,
because you've lost your best brown gown.
Get your beau to dress up as a clown,
to cheer you up as he wears his golden crown.

The feeling goes
Oh I don't know where the feeling goes
Or why the feeling goes
Or when the feeling goes
Or how the feeling goes
But it always goes, don'tcha know.

you say potato
i say d'ya haveta
you say tommahtoe
i say is that a joe-ke
potato
d'ya haveta
tommahtoe
is that a joe-ke
you'd best get my xmas jumper off

The numbers game

Mathematics is only difficult when sitting on a swing,
When holding a string that goes ping when I'm wearing bling.
Making me want to sing out numbers when I am holding my purse string.
Feel like I want to have a fling with a king who's favourite season is Spring.

So tell me why all additions must happen everytime I have a tattoo.
Or when I am drinking special brew and wearing my best leather shoes.
Whilst you are telling me stories about Winnie the Pooh visiting the zoo.

So will you take a lump of coal and subtract it from my soul.
Add a fraction of your half as you score the final goal.
Multiply it by the times when you are on patrol with a foal.
You'll see nothing can control you when you want to go on a stroll.

A little bit of cheese rind everytime I have my nose to the grind.
Take it from my soul that I will dance around a pole with a friend.
A fraction of your half who will be given to a calf for a laugh.
Where you will draw out a graph with the help of the chief of staff.
And multiply the times you keep on meeting up with giraffes and their gaffes.
On behalf of the research staff holding Jacob's staff as they chaff.

Don't know my Fibonacci or Pythagoras
But I have got a camera and a herd of zebras.
When we're together and are playing a game of darts,
and when you listen to the pop charts and read about the arts.

See it makes me whole with a bread roll,
that will give me lots of self-control.
And I'll go to the fishmongers and buy some fresh sole.
Then make a meal which will fill your hunger hole.
Never be apart even when we'll become very smart.
And I'll impart my secret recipe for raspberry tart,
that will give you the much need kick start.

2009 what a swine
2010 lets give it a go
2011 living or heaven
2012 sod it! 2010 got first dibs

Kat >>>>>>>>>>: 42!

Prof: Whoa there Dobbin!!!

Jabs

Oh Ms Little Boots doesn't give a hoot,
if her songs make you want to toot every time you salute.
And the only remedy is to learn to play the flute,
and perhaps the lute, which will make you very astute.

Ice and snow may come and go
But time will last forever...

In my little car the other day
I ran into a friend who was in the way
(There was lots of blood and much dismay)

In hospital, they put him onto traction
HE YELLED AND SCREAMED AT ME AND THREW BACK MY FLOWERS
At my head...well, just for a fraction -
His nurse said he should avoid such action
And asked me to leave, because of the disruption

Stranger, will you, won't you be my friend?
It's not true that old friendships never end...

I strut my stuff after eating a nut,
inside my garden hut when I get into a rut.
As I practice my golf putts,
to banish my beer gut.
Find a cigar butt thrown when the gate is shut,
which is done by neighbour as he walks around the bend.
Tobacco with an unusual blend of herbs and bought in the West End.

People who liked to be in pain (recited ala Little Boots style)

Just because I am peeling on the ceiling,
giving me a funny feeling that I am living in Darjeeling.
Wheeling and dealing with new ways of healing,
making patients go squealing every time they go reeling.

Well I never felt like this before I saw Data's brother Lore,
who thinks life is such a chore and has even learned how to snore.
Attends boring meetings where members of the ex-Borg adore war.
Discuss it over a game of scrabble and roar every time they score.

Then they teamed up with the Yuzhan Vong who loved to be in pain,
and are happy when it rains and love to listen to people complain.
Who think politicians are funny and are fans of reality television,
and are on a mission to fill as many bureaucratic forms using great precision.

The Yuzhan Vong have grown body hair so that they can have plucked off,
one by one of their hairs so that it makes them cough.
And if they don't find that painful enough htey have it waxed off,
while they are having their faces in the sloping trough.

Together with the ex-Borg and Lore have learned new ways of suffering,
which they inflict upon themselves as they go chaffering.
When they are wheeling and dealing with their offerings as they go interfering.
Some spend their time in crowded hypermarkets with a wonky shopping trolley,
as they try and find the best places for cauli whilst trying no to be jolly.

And even this has not satisfied the Yuzhan Vong so they enter Big Brother house,
as they was to suffer more so they dress up in big girl's blouses.
Taking with them giant mice and louse who love to rouse when they listen to Strauss.
Before they go in they spend hours listening to politicians speeches,
as they dress up as leaches on the beach screeching at peaches.