h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pam said hello to Sam,
who was sitting on a ram.
And holding a cam,
to film a dancing swan.
Pam asked would he like some ham,
as had some that was baked.
Completely genuine and not faked.
Along with the spam,
and roast leg of lamb.
He said yes and then took out some jam,
to have with some clams.
And wash it down with a dram,
which tastes like a sham.

consilation:
philosophy
dinner
hot coffee
a smile
tomorrows call

on bike in country
eyes corner; glimps ducks on pond
Flip! The Duck Diver.

my long face droops down
nothing can cheer, my outlook
Trip and tumble------------laugh!

things can get no worse
surely the tide turns today
Door opens!My Toe!

Chris likes to hiss every time he misses,
the abyss that is full of bliss.
Then a fairy appears and gives him a kiss,
and remembers it's his missus.
Gets hungry and starts to eat a swiss roll,
followed by a bowful of sole.
But only after he gets his soup bowl,
and some herby bread rolls.
But filled with lots of holes,
and paper scrolls.
With spells that make him merry,
and want to drink gallons of sherry.
Dances with his wife the fairy,
who's eating a cherry.
That's been dipped in brandy,
and tastes like candy.
Finishes off by dancing the tango,
with the aid of a prancing mango.

Toast!

long live the king

a high roller in a seedy bar
a foriegner in outer far
is eyed with greedy knowng eyes
from out of sight a shadow spies
every ounce of his worth weighed
every game of chance replayed
outside beckons cool air black eve
each shadow wrapped a mind to thieve
the table laid anew the last adieu
bottle glass and the cards all threw
new friends old toasts named
glasses filled the stranger paid
minute turns to hour and the early light of dawn
old bandits wait huddle coats and yawn

he died and went around the bend
the usual route for a goldfish friend

Who let the dog out with the glass of stout?
Who let the dog out and the man with gout?
Who let the dog out with a portion of sauerkraut?
Who let the dog out with the girl scout?
Who let the dog out with fresh potions of trout?
Who let the dog out with a box of fried bean sprouts?
Who let the dog out with a bag of brussel sprouts?
Who let the dog out with the cat who wants to have a kick about?
Who let the dog out and the clown that likes to pout?
Who let the dog out with the football lout who's quite devout.
Who let the dog out with the horned pout who's on the tout?
Who let the dog out with mouse that likes to shout?

Billy don't be a hero by fighting Nero.
Billy don't be a hero by thinking you're Hiro.
And I'll give you my painting by Miro,
along with my magical biro.
So keep yourself pretty and low,
hidden from your foes wearing a bow.
You can escape to Bordeaux,
and live in a French chateau.
Billy don't be a hero and don't be a fool.
go into hiding and then I'll buy you a swimming pool

BigEars!

Do yer like me when I've fallen out of the tree,
in an vain attempt to look at the sea?
Do yer agree it's so funny to have afternoon tea,
with the football referee who think she can play quidditch.
But she ended up losing the golden snitch down the ditch.
Followed by the seeker who is a very talented witch.
Who's found out her niche in muggle kitsch.
And has learned the way they put out their sales pitch,
to entice people to part with their money and to be free from barber's itch.
Transported to China with the help of Pawnee and the Star Trek marquee.
Where the afflicted are cured by being covered in ghee and bathing in the Yangtze.
In payment of collecting magic debris that was created by the Ranee,
in celebration of the silver jubilee of the kumquat tree, the honey bees are rewarded with rupees.
As back they go to the river Cree in Scotland for a fresh cup of tea,
with sandwiches filled with herby brie as they listened to the talented witch's witty repartee.

It was a bore listening to the lecture drone on about the boer war.
Gave us students names and dates of battles by the score,
which made us all fall sleep and some us even started to snore.
To relive the boredom I started at the ceiling's decor,
as I started to image differnt places that I would love to explore.
But I jumped up with a start as the lecturer stopped after 3 hours,
of non-stop talking and now was covered in a shower of flowers.
Which got all the other student woke from their stupor,
as they noticed that the lecturer made a blooper.
His normal attire suddenly changed and now was dressed as a clown,
wearing a brown wooden crown and a frown.

Tony rides on a pony to visit Mulroney,
who has moved to the city of Bologna.
He moved there with the help of Mahoney.
Tony has acquired a taste for rigatoni
macaroni and pepperoni.
Which he gets at the local grocer Berlusconi,
who also supplies him with abalone.

I have a magic wand that I found in my garden pond,
Which I used to be accepted amongst the beau monde.
Who responded by giving me 10,000 saving bonds,
and an appointment at the hairdressers to turn me blonde.

I have a piece of toast
I could white water raft with it!
Inscribe at least three Moses commands on it!
Make a cosey pillow with it!
Post it to a friend-with a happy end!
Fly through the clouds, like magic on it!
Fit it all in my mouth without chewing!
Or nibble like a mouse, with just my front two teeth!
But thats enough silliness; i am going to ride the foaming wave!
Surf up!
I will sprint down the sand like the Hoff on the brightest bay watch beach day!!!!

There was a mule from Bruehl who went to school,
and learnt how to play boules sitting on a stool.
And at his classes learned how to make spools,
to float in the school's swimming pool.
His names is Joules and he always obeys the school rules.
But he didn't lose his flair and was always known to be supercool.
Was friends with Abdul and Raul who all wore jewels,
everytime they had to use a slide rule.
And at home economics were the best at making creme brulee,
which they added their secret ingredient of whey.
And after school they all played croquet at their chalet,
before going inside and practising their crochet.

Harry and Barry flew on a giant canary,
over the prairie to the dairy.
To buy eggs and bottle of rum cherry,
for the good called Carrie.
Carrie lived in Derry with Kerry,
They got their by ferry,
and at the duty free shop bought some sherry.
Which was for Carrie and Kerry,
who had the cure for baldness and how to become hairy.