h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

GA, how yer diddlin'?

Continuing the seagull connection:


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins which could live forever if fed on a diet of seagulls.
One day his supply ran out so he went out to trap some.
On his way, he saw some lions sleeping and blocking the road, so he gingerly stepped over them.

He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls over sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

An oldie bur goodie, esp. if you want groans:

A man and a woman go camping. They put up their tent and go to sleep.
A few hours later the man wakes the woman and says: Look up at the sky, what do you see?
She says: I see a million stars.
He: And what does that tell you?
She: Well, astronomically it tells me that there are millions of undiscovered worlds and planets out there! Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in the sign of the lion! Meteorologically it tells me that we will have a very nice day tomorrow! Timewise it tells me that it's about 3.15 am! Theologically it tells me that that God is almighty and we are unworthy! And what does it tell you?
He is quiet for a moment and then says: Well, practically it tells me that someone has nicked our tent...

BUT goodie

Four Shore

A man is in bed with his wife.

The phone rings at 3am, the man answers and then yells out: "Why don't you ring the bloody Met Office?"

The Wife asks "Who was that?"

The man replies "Some silly sod asking if the coast was clear."

My Grampa has tons of theese and likes to make them up on the fly then work them into converstions. This one is a bit modified since it has been a while but was a real conversation from a time me and a bunch of relavtives went out to eat
My Mom: My freind Greg is going to Spain on vaction he says he is going to rent a plane and do a flying tour.
Grampa:He should were a raincoat.
Mom:What? Why?
Grampa:Becuase the rain in spain stays mainly in the planes
If this on goes down well I might post some more of his

Very punny Our tolerance level is very high so onward and downward.

I don't like flying; it makes my arms ache.

I have a ton but I think I will start with this one
A Preist a preacher and a rabbi go on a fishing trip. They row out to the middle of a lake then realize that they forgot the bait in the car so the preacher gets out of the boat and walks ashore grabs the bait and walks back. A few minutes later they realize they forgot their drinks so the rabbi gets out walks ashore picks them up and walks across the lake back to the boat. The Priest not to be out done sayes "I'm going to grab some snacks." Then gets out of the boat and sinks like a stone. The rabbi turns to the preacher and sayes "Do you think we should have told him were the stepping stones are?"
I've also heard this with the rabbi sinking can't recall if the preacher has ever been the one in trouble.

The Rabbi comes out of an ecumenical conference and to the surprise of the reporters out side does a large sign of the cross. When asked about it he replied that he always checked he had every thing on leaving - spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

The world famous midget seer Madame Clara was arrested and put in jail but then escaped. The next day the newspaper headlines ran:
"Small medium at large"


this one was from a friend I have a few more but like to put them out one at a time so I can see the reaction better

Laughed out loud.

but also



They're terrific - esp. that last one - and corny at the same time, Beo!

This is a Grampa one and I wish I had asked him to repeat it when I saw him earlier today but think I can recall it.
Kermit the frog walls in to a bank and sayes;"I want to get a loan."
The teller says my name is Patrica Wack but you can call me Patty. I would be happy to help you get a loan but will need some information first."
Kermit says ok.
"What is your first name?"
"Kermit"
"And your last name is frog correct?"
"Atualy it is Jagger and my middle name is Mick after my father the "the frog" part is a title."
"Okaaay Mr.Jagger do you have any collateral?"
"I have this." And Kermit give her a tiny statue about 2cm tall.
"Hmmmm. I'll have to ask my manager if this its ok."
So she goes to her manager who says do you have any clue what this is?"
"Um no."
"It's a nick nack patty wack
give the frog a loan
his father is the leader of the rolling stones"
tune in next time for a story with a very important message

when telling the above joke it is a good idea to us hand jestures so it apears you are examing a nick nack also if in your part of the world the song this old man goes with a dance do it at the aprorait time(this is an extionsion of my last post the next joke will come later)

Really like the Kermit joke - too good for a groan site.

There is a famous true?? story about the mentally ill son of a newspaper editor who raped a woman in a laundry and then did a bunk. He wanted to keep it low profile and ran the headline -

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

I put it in because it is so punny but it is a little on the good side same think for the one I'm typing up in word(its a long one) its a little on the good side but it is from a very y punchline

Notice that Jagger's face looks just like a frog's these days?

Jab

I've heard him described as yoda in a Mick Jaggger wig.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?



Hot cross bunnies

The shaggy dog/morality story is still coming I just wanted to get those two down real fast

Dja hear about the workman who found himself in a room full of hostile dangerous criminals?

He got his tools out and made a bolt for the door.

That wasn't a dirty joke so stoppit.