h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nice one Grumpy! (The old ones are the best ones!)


Jab

One from my SO:

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?






Same middle name.

Like it!

Jab

A bus driver swerved to avoid a child the other day and fell off the sofa.

Try this:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river". Poof! ...God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river". Poof! ...God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river". Poof! ...He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

A woman who could read a map - shock, horror what ever next!!!

I think you might have got me there, Grumps!!

Jab

If you think about it, nearly all jokes are based on stereotypes and often are non PC.

Yep, there are loads of jokes we couldn't put on here because it's in public and they might offend - I think that's right because people can get very hurt by jokes that would be perfectly all right in private between friends.

Jab

I'm not saying there aren't any offensive jokes in private - there are plenty of them too, unfortunately.

Jab

These ones had me lmao...




I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my wife I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

A cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I can do Karaoke but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Blimey, jokerama on senna pods.

Senna pods

Laxative!!!

Are you accusing me of verbal diarrhoea?

He'll have to go.

Jab

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. NO - that's NOT what I meant.

Jab








[Horrible groaning collection of yours, Snails ]

I've been, can I come back now?

If you can get the door open:

Oh, dear, what a calamity
Two old ladies locked in the lavatory...

Jab