h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thanks Snails!

Jab

2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you"



Jab

Esmeralda sees Quasmodo swinging over the crowd at the end of a rope.

She recognises him and says to her friend,"That face rings a bell."

2 Peanuts walk into a bar. They were assaulted.



Jab

I just walked into bar - OUCH!

A very tall man and a his very short friend walked into a bar. One hurt his knee and the other smashed his face.



Jab

Two fish swam into a concrete wall.

One said, "Dam."

Two nuns sitting on a wall - a naked man ran by -one had a stroke and the other fell off. Her arms were too short.

Christmas letter:

Dear Santa
I have realised how fortunate I am to have 3 square meals a day,
to have a place called home and people who love me. So this christmas please send clothes to those poor women who can't even afford clothes in dads magazines.

love timmy

It's cold, grey and drizzling here at the moment Jabs!

Hope all's well with you.

Lapis

Same weather here lapis except the rain's heavy! Same good thoughts go out to you

Jab

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a coca cola?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't like coca cola. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son. I'm guessing."




Jab

The man was a Doctor and because he was embarrassed when he gave a talk to the Mother's Union about sex after childbirth, he told his wife it was about sailing. Which flumoxed her, particularly when one of the 'Mothers' said how good the talk had been.

Her reply - 'That's odd he only did it once, it made him sick and his hat blew off.'

Storm in a

...er, I mean ...

Another fine crop there! Where do you people dig 'em up?

Are you ready for this?

A man is out for a walk in the forest when he comes across a lamp hidden in the undergrowth. Not one for letting an opportunity pass by, no matter how far fetched, he picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Pooofff!!!! Sure enough in a cloud of smoke a genie appears.

The genie says "I am the genie of the lamp and I will grant you one wish, what is your desire?"

After some thought the man replies "I am a happy,contented and moderately wealthy family man there are not many things I wish for, however, I live here in England while most of my family including my mother, father, two brothers and sister live in the USA. I travel there and back by plane at least half a dozen times year to visit and it costs me thousands. I wish for a bridge to be built that spans the Atlantic from England to the USA, then I could drive my porsche across, thereby saving me a lot of money and I get to drive very fast which I will enjoy doing. That is my wish."

"A bridge across the Atantic!" sputtered the genie, "Do you realise the economics and logistics involved in such a task? There is not enough steel available the world over and even if we used all that is available it would cause several of the worlds leading companies and corporations to go bankrupt, leading to world wide economic collapse and global unrest.
The concrete production alone would create so much noxious substance that the ozone layer would deplete at an alarming rate causing a global temperature rise. Not only will this lead to the extinction of thousands of species of plant and animal life but sea levels will rise, leading to a loss of much of the planet's low lying land, causing mass homelessness mass deaths and the resultant mass migration of entire populations, which in itself leads to a whole catalogue of other problems."

Nope, I'm sorry it's an impossible wish to grant even for a genie such as myself, I cannot create that bridge. You will have to think of something else"

The genie waits for the man to reply, who after much consideration says..."Ok, fair enough, I can appreciate that building that bridge is an impossible task. What I wish for instead is to know the inner workings, thoughts and feelings of the female mind, so that I may connect with my wife, whom I love dearly, to a level of depth of feeling and emotion that no man has had with a woman before. That is my wish."

The genie replies....."How many lanes do you want on that bridge then."



Jab

I know I'm not SUPPOSED to laugh at these... I should probably see someone about my sense of humour. It's time I developed taste and decency and all that kind of thing.

Don't worry Snails, you're not alone. I still can't stop laughing at Grumpy A's joke at 513 each time I think of it!

Jab

Me too

The Psychiatrist was doing the famous test where he draws a 'doodle' and the patient has to say the first thing that comes into their head.

This particular patient was easy to diagnose as every doodle drew the response of 'That reminds me of sex.'

The psychiatrist completed the test and announced 'Well, I believe you have an obsession with sex.

Outraged the patient retorted 'What do you mean - ME obsessed, it was you drawing the dirty pictures.'

Glad you are enjoying the contributions.