h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I mean...

Jab

A blonde girl found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an aeroplane.

Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him £5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her £50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him £5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde £50.00

The blonde put the £50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him £5.

!!!!!

Hot off the press!

Man goes to the doctor.
'And what can I do for you?'
'I'd like a foot pump please.'
'Surely a car parts store would be best for a foot pump?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'No, no I've got flat feet.'

I think this might be the worst joke I've ever heard...


-Why was 6 afraid of seven?
-because 7 ate 9!


Jab

If it isn't, then its very close. Perhaps we should compile a short list and then rank then according to their 'rankness'. This one would need to be in the frame.

Like a Channel Four list-show to fill our time cheaply?


A bloke walks into a Glasgow public library and demands a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian yells at him, "Clear off - I know your type - you'll no bring it back."

Why did the author walk backwards up his drive?












Because he thought it was a novel approach.

Then he got his poetry out of the garage. He had a Poetic licence.

He was off on a new adventure, 'It was going to be thrilling.'. he thought as he turned over a new leaf.

What's the fastest way to make a Venetian blind?






















Throw pepper in his eyes.























Throw pepper

Where'a the salt?

In the kitchen, reading the pepper.

That should bring him to his sneeze.

I was walking on the sand the other evening and the sea sneezed all over me. Like spray it was. Yuk.

The sea's friendly though. Whenever it seas me it waves.

It's very exciting !. They've discovered the complete text of a previously unknown Samuel Beckett play! Here it is:



Clown 1: I hope this rain keeps up.

Mate: Why?

Clown 1: Cos then it won't come down!



Hahahahaha

That deserves a micro-wave, just using the little finger.

True story.

In a compartment, many years ago,on a train and the other occupants were a couple of Irish guys on their way to work. Approaching the tunnel one turned to the other and
said 'Just look at those barrows on the hill.'
The other said 'What?'
'Look at those ancient burial mounds.'
'Ah! I didn't think yer eyes were good enough to see wheel barrows.

That was very merciful Grumps. Thank you. Only a finger!

Jab

Sexist Bernard Manning joke off the telly yesterday:

Q, Why haven't any women gone to the moon?

A. It doesn't need cleaning yet

A man rushed into a very busy doctor's surgery and gasped:

"Doctor I'm shrinking!"

The doctor replied:

"You'll just have to be a little patient."

Followed by another man who gasped he had 'seagulls' in his stomach.

Puzzled the doctor asked if he meant 'butterflies' when he was nervous.

"No," the man said "I've had a nasty turn."