h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A neutron walks into a pub and orders a very small quantity of beer. He asks the price, and the barman says, "For you, no charge."

A rope with his head in a twist scruffy hair walks into a pub.
Bar tender turns,takes one look"oi aren't you that rope from yesterday?"
Rope replies "i'm a afraid not"

A vicar, a rabbi and a moslem cleric walk into a bar.

Barman: Is this a joke?

A white horse walks into a bar. The landlord says to him " Do you know they named a pub after you". The horse replies " What - Fred?? "

Just then an anteater walked into the bar and ordered a pint, the landlord poured him one, placed it on the bar and said "There you are sir, £2.50. Why the long face"?

I say, I say, I say...

What do you get if you cross a pretentious avant-garde perma-shaded once-famous because she was married Japanese artist who can't sing (you can say that again) who can't sing (thankyou) with an pretentious unjustly successful perma-shaded quasi-political human-rights campaigning publicity-seeking self-important Irish rock star who also can't sing (you can say that again too) who also can't sing (thankyou) ?

Yoko Bono

I phoned a builder and said i had a load of rubble and rubbish to shift, and I told him I needed a skip outside my house.
He said do what you like mate its a free country.

I am very musically minded and know all the famous people associated with music.

My knowledge goes back a long way.
I knew Madam Butterfly when she was still a caterpillar.

Har Har!

Time to make like a tree and leave!

But its so punny in here.

'Pun my soul! I do believe you're right!

Jabs

Your right or mine?

A bun is the lowest form of wheat.

Beo!

Jabs



[Infie...YUK!]

A bun is the lowest form of wheat.
This calls for some pun isment.

A piece of tarmac is having a drink in a bar, when a thin piece of red tarmac walks in and says "Buy me a double whisky!" The tarmac hands the money over, the barman pours it out and the piece of red tarmac goes off to the other end of the bar.

The barman says, "What a nasty piece of work. Why did you buy him a drink?" And the piece of tarmac replies "You don't want to argue with him. He's a bit of a cyclepath."

- as Beo said, some sort of pun ishment is in order. Have you read War and Peace lately? Well, have you read the War bit?

Jabs

A liquorice allsort and a jelly baby walk into a bar. The jelly baby stops, shocked, and drags his friend out into the street. The allsort says, "What's the matter?" and the jelly baby replies, "There were a couple of Lockets having a drink in the corner. You don't want to mess with those guys. They're menthol."

[Note to non-Brits: Lockets are cough lozenges. Note to Jabs and Beo: you simply don't appreciate the finer things in life]

Well, have you read the Peace section then?


Jabs