h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Beset by woes, I found myself in a dark wood wandering. Perched atop the next hill was a well-known guru.

"Guru, I need your help," I said. "I'm here to find the truth."

"And I'm here to escape it," he grumbled.

"Today we interview the man with a tough choice to make in
November: Mr. Clinton Trump of Dilemmahorn Springs. Mr. Trump, do
you plan to vote?"

"Of course. President Wilson deserves another term."

"This is not 1916."

"Tell that to Donald, then!"

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.


This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Smudger.

What do you get when you cross a street with a chicken?

To the other side.

Better acquainted with a dangerous garden pest?

A plump woman I know gave up her job selling cars to sing opera. I liked to say that the opera wasn't over until the Fiat lady sang.

Which heroine likes to go to faraway lands and look around, with her trusty map and backpack?
“Gamora the Explorer!”
What does Wolverine use to promote his company in public relations and advertising?
“A Logan-Slogan!”
Why does Thanos get unlimited hot drinks everywhere?
He has the Gauntlet of Infinit- Tea!”

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk..… 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Smudger.

I was going to tell a political joke, but then I realized that too many of them get elected.

What’s the difference between a sad baseball player and a marine biologist?
One wails and catches, and the other catches whales!
What do you get when you cross a shark and a snowman?
(Frostbite!)
What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
(Dam!)
What do fish and maps have in common?
(They both have scales!)

What do you get when you cross a whale and a mallard?

Moby Duck

Subject: Man reported his wife missing.



My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!



OPP officer :Age?

Husband:I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

OPP officer : Height ?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OPP OFFICER :Weight ?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OPP OFFICER :Colour of eyes ?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

OPP OFFICER :Colour of hair ?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OPP OFFICER : What was she wearing ?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OPP OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in ?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OPP OFFICER : What kind of truck was it ?



Husband : A 2016, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OPP OFFICER : Take it easy sir ,

We'll find your truck!!

Smudger.

A guy is driving down a road in his garbage truck, picking up all the green wheelie bins and emptying them into the truck. He comes up to a house, and sees rubbish strewn all over the nature strip. The guy hops out of his truck and knocks on the door. An Chan man answers.

"Hey mate, where's your bin?" asks the refuse collector.
"Oh, I bin in China" replies the Chinese man

"No, no, where's your wheelie-bin?"
"Well, I wheelie bin in jail, but I tell everyone I's bin in China."

I avoid circuses because clowns give me funny looks.

Film producers wanted to make a film about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!
Q: What do you call a French man in sandals?
A: Phillipe Phloppe.
Q: When do you go at red and stop at green?
A: When you're eating a watermelon by the traffic lights.

Being British

· Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home and grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!
· Oh and! - Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
·
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
· Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters
·
Only in Britain.... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
·
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Not to mention

· 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts
· 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
· 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
· British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
· 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
· 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
· In 2005 eight Brits (All Scottish) cracked their skull whilst throwing
up into the toilet.

Makes you proud to be British doesn’t it?



Smudger.

Good to see you back, Smudger!

Thanks for that, I might even start writing my Snippets again

I’m starting to get my life back now, it’s been a long time coming

Smudger.

Welcome back Smudger, it is wonderful to have you back as I have greatly missed you.


What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze?
Crisp Kringle.
Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
(Nobody can answer this conundrum)
What do you call people who are frightened of Santa?
Claustraphopic.
Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.
Notice on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
What do you get if you team Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).