h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is from a cartoon in which a young boy is being unwillingly pushed toward Santa Claus in a department store.

"Why is it suddenly okay to sit on a strange man's lap?" he asks.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared.

And I don't have acne.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!


Smudger.

I think I'm guilty on almost all counts.....

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you
can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above
the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count' St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down, there's no way we can keep track of
what you are doing."

In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he
asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”

Smudger.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

What happen when Chief Shortcake die?

Squaw bury shortcake.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
...The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Smudger.

Customer: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Customer: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Customer:: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Customer:: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Customer:: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the cheque. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the cheque]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your cheque.
Customer: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Customer: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The cheque:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . £3.50
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . £1.75
Access to support . . . . . . . . . 70p

"There's a fly in my soup."

"Don't say it so loudly, or everyone will want one."

Waiter there us a fly in my soup,

That's all right sir, the spider on your bread will get it.


Smudger.

The three bears walked into their house and found that an enormous was eating their soup.

"There's soup in my spider!" the baby bear said.

It was after midnight. I was hungry. I headed for Evil Lord Cafe.

Grendel's Mother handed me a menu. "Orc chili and Dementor soup
are the day's specials," she said.

"Vlad the Impaler's kebab looks good."

"Well done or still pleading?"

"Is this fruit fresh?"

"I'll say! It insulted me a minute ago."

There have been a lot of very conflicting assertions so far. This could add additional information for anybody who doesn’t fully understand the Euro situation.

Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg address - 286 words.
US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words

Smudger.

Someone is doing a movie remake by combining the disaster movies "Earthquake" and "Towering Inferno." The title will be "Shake and Bake."

A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS.”


Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. “Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, what do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.


“How old are they?” asked Mr Cameron.
Suzy replied, “They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”

“They're REMAIN IN THE EU supporters,” answered Suzy with a sweet smile.
Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.


So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and the audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away.”


“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They're BREXIT supporters.”
Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered, “But yesterday, you told me they were REMAIN IN THE EU SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know but their eyed are open now.

Smudger.

"Next applicant?"

"Hi. I'm interested in the job opening."

"What are your qualifications?"

"I'm quite proficient at light housekeeping. I can dust, mop, wax, and do a variety of cleaning chores."

"There's been a misunderstanding. The job involves
lighthouse keeping. Next applicant!"

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just p**s off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Smudger.

From the short sf story "The Ambassador" by Sam Merwin:

"What's the difference between an iron dog in the side yard of a man who wants to give his little daughter music lessons but is afraid he can't afford them next year and a man who has a whale in a tank and wants to send him for a wedding present and is trying to pin a tag on him, saying how long he is and how much he weighs and where he comes from, but can't because the whale keeps sloshing around in the tank snd knocking the tag off?"

This time the answer was: "One can't wag his tail, the other can't tag his whale."

What's huge and long and white, and rules his ocean kingdom ruthlessly?

Moby Dicktator.