h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... then there was the butcher who put up his name in lights ...

We need a


(and if you are in Pliney you will not see part of the message)

strange, Clare - looks like it doesn't like smiley brackets if it' not a
- whooshrightovermyheadsmiley -

look up 'lights' in a dictionary... the old uns are the best uns

Maybe it is an english thing? I had a relative who was a meatcutter from way back and I never heard of 'lights' in conjunction with it. Could you explain? or give me a link? Really curious now

lungs and hearts livers ect from slaughtered animal, also known as offal..

Ye e e ss? And? <----------------American

Offal in America I think is kind of rotten waste and we eat hearts and livers and other stuff
so it is not waste - I do not know the name for it but it is not offal. And how does offal
equate with lights? This is so interesting LOL

Clare, British - yes, certainly. Elsewhere, dunno

From my onboard dictionary:

lights |l&#299;ts|
plural noun
the lungs of sheep or pigs used as food, esp. for pets.
ORIGIN Middle English : use of light 2 as a noun (so named because of their lightness). Compare with lung .
light 1 |l&#299;t|
noun
1 the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible : the light of the sun | [in sing. ] the street lamps shed a faint light into the room.
• a source of illumination, esp. an electric lamp : a light came on in his room.
• ( lights) decorative illuminations : Christmas lights.
• a traffic light : turn right at the light.
• [in sing. ] an expression in someone's eyes indicating a particular emotion or mood : a shrewd light entered his eyes.
• the amount or quality of light in a place : the plant requires good light | in some lights she could look beautiful.

and, just to lighten up a bit...


The silkworm championship marathon finished in a tie

WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old walnut tree just insidethe cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and satdown by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One foryou, one for me, one for you, one for me.” said one boy. Several ofthe nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, hethought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down toinvestigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one foryou, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick!” said the boy, “You won't believe what I heard! Satanand the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.” Whenthe boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you,One for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's seeif we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to seeanything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of thefence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let'sgo get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


Smudger.

I don't get it













(just kidding)

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
She was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking

"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


Smudger.

A new pyramid discovered in Egypt contained a mummy covered in nuts and chocolate .

Experts believe it to be Pharoah Roche.


Smudger.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Smudger

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
Smudger.

A poor dizzy blonde was flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk
you through this and get you back

on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5' 4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father...
Who art in Heaven..."


Smudger.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ....

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High Trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."







Smudger.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
__ __ __ __ __

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__ __ __ __ __

When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__ __ __ __ __

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__ __ __ __ __

If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

__ __ __ __ __

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
Thinking they had no faults at all.

__ __ __ __ __
.
Smudger.

Q: What is it called when Iron Man does a cart wheel?
A: A Ferrous Wheel!

Q: What does Peter Parker tell people when they ask him what he does for a living?
A: "I'm a web designer".

What if Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....
They would be Alloys



Q: Why does no one watch TV at the X-Factor HQ?

A:They no longer have Cable.

Missing Wife
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........


Smudger.

Short, Sweet & True!!!

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find any.



Smudger.