h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, "she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.

My husband does.

He said he can't communicate with me."

Smudger

Hello -- I have questions!







Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?




If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?



Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?



If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'



What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?



Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?



Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
******

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK..? (then it's you!)

~

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!






Smudger.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
"I tink I will ave to go home: I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks, " ‘Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies, "No, I only live round the corner."

Smudger.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife.

A few moments later a second text came in:
Whoops! Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife". Sorry Bob!


Smudger.

...finally, I gave up on google 'keyboard'. I tried swiftkey next and that proved worse even than google 'textmess'. Finally, I found a Japanese keyboard I could run in standalone mode that doesn't have the textmess problem, somewhat buggy in other ways, but in honest ways and I'm using that now...

The last message google textmess 'sent' me, before I shifted to a different keyboard, in the search window for google playstore, where I'd written "disable google keyboard", was, "Diane good keyboard".

That reminded me of a mountain lion I used have prowling the dry gulch behind my place when I was a kid.

It sounded so much like a lost and frightened little girl crying in the dark it almost fooled me...




Good to see you back, Smudger!

NO RUDE COMMENTS!!!!!

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster old Dave was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Dave's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Dave had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Dave, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was, the judges not only awarded old Dave the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Dave was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells .


Smudger.

What is Gollum's favourite bird?
A Smee-Gull!

Legolas could hardly understand Gimli when they first met!
It was the Dwarves strange Axe-cent!

Gandalf wasn’t the best driving instructor everytime someone takes a test he yells “You shall NOT pass!”

Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..
BYTE: What mozzies do
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


Smudger.

A recent article in the West
Australian newspaper reported that a
woman, Mrs.Maynard,
has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that
after her husband had surgery there he
lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard
was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight."


Smudger.

There was a woman who had two pet monkeys, a boy and a girl.

One day they both came down with a simian disease and both passed away on the same day.

The woman was beside herself with grief and decided to take her pets to the local taxidermist to have her pets bodies preserved.

'How would you like them mounted?' The taxidermist asked.

The woman, paused and flushed a bit.

Then she said, 'No no, just shaking hands - they were only good friends'.

F S

"Mum, when I grow up I want to be a sailor"

"Well my son you have a decision to make because you can't do both."

Smudger.

How true

F S

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965...

Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."


Smudger.

Some Puzzlers for you............

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.


I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


When chemists die, apparently they barium.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Velcro - what a rip off!..


Smudger.

I lost it at the gravity one!!

[Brilliant puns ]

A new ensign assigned to submarines was eager to impress his commanding officer with all the knowledge he had picked up at submarine school.

After listening patiently for five minutes, the senior officer said:
"Listen, it's simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A BIBLICAL STORY





A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police."

Smudger.

Two coppers radio their station,Sarge a woman here has just shot her husband dead.
Why asks the Sarge,because he'd walked on the kitchen floor she had just mopped came the reply.
Have you arrested her asks the Sarge,not yet came the reply,the floors not dry yet.


Smudger.

Kevin had shingles.



Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?



Here's what happened to Kevin:


Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.



Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..



A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.



An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.



Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.



Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


Smudger.