h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Anybody want a slightly obnoxious duck I've got one in my bathtub
Karen

Is that bathtub outside in the yard
Or is it indoors coz thats qwacker's
I just bought my daughter 3 plastic ducks for her bath She will be 1 tomorrow

Um... this is probably me being really stupid, but I don't actually understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship... can anyone explain to me?

I'm actually... kinda horrified by the stuff ppl have said earlier here

oh and as for Jessypeeps's 'yeah there is always a way out', I don't think Greta meant what I think you meant

Happy belated birthday to your daughter, Pally

Ducks in the bathtub is normal on a farm. The tub is inside, in the loo It was dehydrated, and needed some tlc. It's fine now, and back with all of the other fowl

The way out is to make a stand for ones self, and say that the abuse is not o.k.. Leave the situation, and go somewhere safe, so you can have some healing time for yourself. When you do that, you are valuing yourself the way you should do.

NEVER do anything to harm yourself, because there are many who love you, even if you don't see it.
K

hi.
it probably does sound pathetic as to why we all stay in these harmful relationships.
but and it is a big but...
there are several reasons.
1. money. we need money to survive and when you havent got any, you put up with the stress of an abusive partner. if you have read my earlier quote, im am vitually housebound. my partner doesnt trust me enough to work and not run off with the first man i say hello to. i gave up a wonderful job that i loved, because he hounded me out of it, as he didnt approve of the job.
its my house that we live in, but he pays the mortgage. and before you say get a job, i would willingly go and get one, if i was mentally and physically fit enough. i also have to be able to get thru the front door and he has been known to stand in the way and refuse me access out to the big bad world. i am of an age, where i wouldnt get any real help from benefits, so dhss is of no use to me.
2. health. i am lucky enough not to have the violence, but i suspect and expect it to start, if i kicked up a fuss. my life has been systematically destroyed. i have no confidence left. on the odd occasion, i do go out, i want to get back home as soon as possible. ive put on loads of weight as i spend a lot of time comfort eating. as a result of the extra weight, i have the usual health problems.
3 mental attitude. i have none left, he tries to control my thoughts and my words as well as my diet(chips with everything), in fact my whole lifestyle. everything has to be done to suit him.

you might find it hard to understand why us women put up with these men.. but at one point many many years ago, we loved them. we couldnt see the bad points, we did everything we could to please them. we are the type of women, who give 150% to these men and its still not enough and its only after the damage has been done that we realise and its too late.
its one helluva struggle to get back, what you had before you met these men.
i hope this might clarify it a little bit for you..
.helen.

When I was young and bright and capable I didn't understand how anyone could stay in an abusive relationship either.
I'd watched it happen to other people, and heard of so many others, but I never believed it could happen to me. I was too strong, too bright, too independent and spirited.

Then I had a few knocks. By the time I was 20 I was a single parent with three under-2s and a couple of miscarriages. Then the council put me in a 'problem estate' ('cos naturally we were classed as a problem family ). Every night you heard people screaming and glass smashing. The milkman had a padlocked iron cage surrounding his milk float. I was burgled 3 times in two weeks, beaten up and raped, and had a lump of concrete thrown through a window at 4am one morning - that hit exactly where my head would have been if I had been using my bed instead of huddling under the dining table as I'd taken to doing at night.

Never mind. I went out and got a job, and put six sturdy locks on the front door of my new flat () and, eventually got myself a nice house with a mortgage.

Then GCHQ went out on strike - for months - and our office started having one-day strikes to show solidarity - and I hadn't been allowed to join the union so I had to walk through the picket line every week - and they became progressively more violent.

He started giving me a lift to work on strike days. That helped a great deal. Eventually he wormed his way in so deep that I finally surrendered and married him.
He changed completely on our wedding night. He accused me of flirting with the male guests at the reception. I thought I was a t fault.

But it was 4 months before he actually hit me for the first time. By then he had isolated me completely from my friends and family. We were hundreds of miles away, with no contact, and I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone for long enough to make new friends.

And at first whenever he hit me he would do the remorseful act afterwards, crying and carrying on, making me feel guilty for having made him behave like that.

He wasn't like those men you hear about.
He wasn't a monster.
He loved me - he kept telling me that.
He was sorry. He truly was sorry. He was trying to change. He needed me to help him.
He'd never had a chance. His father had beaten his mother and he hated him for it but here was he repeating the pattern. He needed help to break free of that. I was the only person that could help him.
I was his last chance.
And it wasn't so bad. I could cope. After all, it wouldn't always be like that. He was trying to change. Surely I loved him enough to stand by him while he struggled to come back to me.
The man I fell in love with must surely still be in there? If I could be strong enough and loving enough for both of us he could allow himself to be that man again.....

The trouble is, by the time you realise that he is never going to change and you can never be good enough to please him and escape the daily beating you have no confidence or self-respect left, no friends, no money and certainly nowhere to go.
It's too humiliating to admit your circumstances to your family and ask for their help because you think they will think less of you for putting up with it for so long.
It's hard to explain that matters worsened so gradually that you didn't realise what was happening to you.

They take control so insidiously.

serenity, try the dhss. You may be surprised.

You're the first person I've heard say he controls your diet. Mine did that too. Isn't it awful! Does he control what you watch on television too?

huffers

what did i mean?????

I think huffers thought you meant a rather permanent and irreversible way out. Please say you didn't?

Mine controlled my diet, my clothing, my contact with my family, and my income.
He had the community believing I was violent to him. He called the police one day, after I had hit him because he had his hands wrapped tightly around my throat, saying it was in "self defense, because I had bumped into him".
He would stand over me and scream in my face, and call me a whore. I hit him once, and he had a fit, running downstairs to yell at my kids to call 911, because their crazy mother just attacked him. My kids were all terrified, and cried. He called the police to document the fact that I had hit him. What he didn't say was that I had just come home from the hospital, for mental duress, and he had accused me of having slept around with my old boss, instead of being at the hospital.
He was Prince Charming until the day we married. He had my Mother convinced he was wonderful. He went to church every sunday, and the Pastor said he was a good man with a good heart. The Pastor told me to stop being such a bad example of a Christian wife, and stop pestering my husband. My husband would then see his wrongs, and he would treat me the way a Christian husband treats his wife.
When I got the RCMP to remove him, he was sane, soft-spoken, agreeable with the police, and told the police that he really loved me, and would do absolutely anything for me. What he didn't admit to was throwing the meat cutter blade at me that morning, ripping the cupboard doors off the wall, breaking one of my dining room chairs, and threatening to do whatever it took to get back at me if I "f****d him over", and had him charged.
I got shot at by him a couple of months later. I had to move into a house that is only 1/3 of the size of our other one, and I fear for my safety when I go to town, because he has threatened to get me no matter how long it takes.
It's been since Sept. 11, 2001, and I have since met the real love of my life. I am now losing him, too. I lost my children wrongfully in 2001, because a false report of child abuse was made against me, and I was put through h*ll. The person who made the accusations has since admitted to having lied, but the damage has already been done.
My life feels like garbage right now. I don't want any more loss. I can't take any more. I want the love of my life back.
I'm thankful to have gotten my kids back, but life will never be the same for me.
I'm mad at God for allowing all of this garbage to happen to me, and believe that a loving God would put a stop to the pain that I live with every day. I hate God.
I'm a Minister
I have to go on. For the sake of my kids.
One thing for sure, is that it really IS difficult. We have been altered forever by the violence of someone else. It is like terrorism in our own home.
Have compassion for those who have had the courage to live with and survive a man's violence. We don't deserve pity, apathy, accusation for having stayed, blame for his actions, degredation for having failed at a relationship, or accusation of being a bad parent.
We need and deserve love, understanding, and far too infrequent aceptance and support.
Karen

tefkat

nah. tried last summer and failed misrably, just smile now theres always a tommorow

Serenity.. no, it doesn't sound pathetic.. just, weird and a bit scary
opinion on 1, 2 and 3: oh my god...
Thanks for explaining Helen, and good luck!
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Tefkat's story makes me somewhat angry

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And now DragonLady's too... I'm numbed somewhat now, shouldn't there be some sort of system for dealing with this sort of thing if its so common?
If there is, it doesn't sound like its working
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Jessypeeps.. Tefkat's right, I was just worried because you put suicide as one of your likes on your page

tefkat

hi.. nice to meet you.

yes, he tries to control my diet. in fact he hates anything i choose to eat. i am forbidden from eating garlic, curries, basically anything foreign. im am watched over as i cook, to make sure i dont put anything in, that he doesnt approve of. he wont eat shop bought stuff, he wont eat out. i have to cook everything.

yes, he tries to control the telly programmes. he objects to me watching anything american, he cant stand the accent. he objects to me watching anything star trek orientated and walks out of the room slamming doors if i watch M.A.S.H. he prefers anythng from the 50's. yet if i leave it for him to choose, he cant make a decision.

yes, he tries to control my dress sense. in as much as he prefers me to stay in my night clothes. that way, i wont take the opportunity of going out, even to go to the dustbin. i get the severe black looks, if ever i put make up on. he always questions my appearance and cant see why i bother to dress up.. his version of dressing up and mine are two different things.

no, i have no social life at all, in fact my last night out, with the girls was 7 years ago and he came along too.

he is very opinionated and expects everyone else to share his views and he will verbally wear you down till you agree. and that includes, keeping me awake, taking the bedclothes off me, so i get cold. barricading me in, so i cant escape.

his attitude is.... i dont like it, you cant have it.

and yet, he really thinks he is wonderful and treats me well. he talks to our dog better than me..

apparantly, this year is supposed to be my year for major changes, according to my horoscope.. im still waiting..lol.

bye for now.
helen.

huffers.

thanks for that.

nice to met you.

helen.xx

Good evening all,

Well I left my ex about 14 years ago and I have never gone back into an abusive relationship.So there is hope out there for all off you.

Thanks for the birthday wishes for my daughter

The other good news is that romani is out and safe She phoned me yesterday to let me know everything was and that she will not be going back at all.
She is well on her way now to a new life without violence or mental abuse of any kind.She says hello to all of you and says thankyou for your support through this difficult time.

Have fun all
Pally

serenity~
You will need to be the one to make the big change
You can do it
Please don't wait for him to change.
Do it for YOU
Karen

dragonlady-

hello. nice to meet you.

i know its gonna have to be me to make the change.
i know i have to get him to leave my house.
i know i need to find a job.

i know. i know. i know.

i also know what romani angel has been going through. we are good online friends and compare notes.
i am not ready to go through what she has been going through, ever since christmas.
i know that despite my life being bad at the moment, its not going to improve with me trying to get him out of my house. in fact he has made it quite clear that he has no intention of leaving and intends to get his moneys worth, because he paid my mortgage for the past 7 years.
its the interim period from when we split..... to when im sorted out, that im not looking forward to.


now if i could win the lottery or find a knight in shining armour!!!!!!
i know its just a dream. but its having these dreams that keep me sane in reality.

one day, i will get it all sorted out.
its just not today.

.h. xxx

huffers

im intrested in it thats all, 3 of my mates killed them self and im fasanated about how we as humans can take our own lifes, its like cheating death and the total rejection innit..sounds sick but thats just me for you

serenity & Jessypeeps
K

awful
more like cheating themselves than Death...
and I don't think you sound sick, just interesting