h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've a couple. First one I'm not really sure if you consider a metaphor because I don't really know what it means.
There's an ad on the Telly here about some sort of on-line health insurance. She says, "you'd have to be puffin' muffins" not to deal with them or what ever the rest of the sentence says. I can't remember. I just remember the 'Puffin' Muffins' bit. Never heard it before, thought it odd.

The other one is "You've got more front than Myers". It's a very old Melbournian one. Myers is a very big department store in the city with huge frontage. Their front windows are famous for their Christmas displays.

Hyp, I never noticed the busses were backwards!

The more front than Myers goes along with broader than the side of a barn, which is very common in the Ozarks.

Yep, little bouncing backward busses. On the other hand, maybe everyone else has it wrong and what I thought was the front which everyone says is the back is actually the front.

puffin muffins....sounds like a good title for a children's book.

You could write it, Hyp. We'll get grandson number 1 to illustrate it.

Of course a cow muffin is the same as a cow patty, so a puffin muffin could be a pile of guanno.

How about:

slippery as an eel
phoney as a three dollar bill
naked as a jay bird
dumb as dirt

Jay birds are not actually naked.......maybe it should be naked as a baby jay bird.
I can think of quite a few more than Dad quoted, but most of them are rather

Most of Dad's sayings would definitely be moderated. He was quite colorful.

About someone who is lacking in co-ordination

Couldn't hit a coo's arse with a banjo.

How many meanings does 'coo' have anyway? It seems to be an all-purpose word.

A coo is a Scottish cow.

Ah. Thanks. Makes more sense knowing that.

I canna believe you lot dinna ken fit a coo is!

Weel, ye ken noo.

Translation into amerkin:

'Couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle'.

They always sound better when they alliterate well, Xantief

I love to listen to a Scotts accent. Can't understand a word of it, but it is so lilting.

At least they don't add extra syllables to words the way they do in the American South. For example, take the word declare. Did you know it has 3 syllables?

I'm a big fan of most of the Scots accents as well. In fact, many accents are good. A new guy started at work this week - he comes from Cardiff and has a wonderful soft Welsh accent. Very nice chap as well.

He was so drunk he couldn't hit his ass with both hands........

And so stupid he couldn't find his ass with both hands.

And a map.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a map.

He war so iggnent, he couldn' pour p*** out of a boot if the instructions waz on da heel!

Dumb as a post

Deaf as a post

Ugly as a mud fence........or have we done that one?