h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today has been such a pain, that I needed a good laugh. A girlfriend obliged with the following. It's making the rounds, so my apologies to those of you who have already seen it.


Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

My votes for 4, 18, 21.

I smell a DNA influence in number 7

It's hard to pick a favorite, but I like 12.

#1 and #12 get my pick

I burst out laughing at #14.

12, 21, 23 - if I have to pick...

#14 and #16 made me laugh out loud. But I sure did like like, whatever

4 was the first one that made me chuckle.

*snickers* I've seen something similar to this in Colin Baker's column in, "This is Local London".

http://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/indepth/colinbakercolumn/display.var.482869.0.our_rich_and_rewarding_language.php

XD

Much better than students copying from a book!

I cannot pick a favorite.
Maybe the romantic talk of glistening snot.

A couple of days ago, a friend commenting on someone's appearance :

She looks a little like Sophia Loren, only without a neck and about a week after she died.

well done hypa

With all the negative stuff happening, it has been a real healing thing to have something to laugh out loud about. My favorite Ozarkism: He's dumber than a box of rocks.

My predecessor at the library actually kept a box of rocks in the store room. When I asked her why they hadn't been throw away she replied "Because they've been washed."

Pin, the Sophia Loren comment is a hoot.

Thanks, I needed that.

I like all of them. Thanks for posting that.

#14 also did it for me.

Isn't bursting out laughing a wonderful feeling? Especially first thing in the morning. Luckily I didn't wake Nog up.


az

I actually thought number 16 was rather good.

Thanks for the giggle.