Journal Entries
Isn't it ironic
Posted Feb 21, 2003
My friend D and I are e-mailing again almost daily. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, but he is really holding on to me in every possible way, despite being in a new relationship and everything. I don't know, maybe one day it will be enough.
Yesterday he e-mailed me with a request, following a comment I'd made on an ex. He asked me to build a profile of the man of my dreams.
I thought:
1) Are you taking the p***?
2) You see him in the mirror every morning, you 
Then I wrote out a long and humourous e-mail, which I saved so I could sleep on it.
Then I woke up today and realised that, however genuine his interest in my hopes and dreams, it's a really inappropriate question to ask a girl who has just spent the last for months of her life pining for him.
So I said he knows me well enough to know where I come from, what I want and wish for. That wishlists take optimism, and although I realise he's very optimistic right now, I am not and I have grounds not to be. And that it's just not a very good time to ask that question... maybe later.
Then I changed the subject entirely.
It's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't care. Au contraire. But he's in love with somebody else and I'm in love with him, and that's unbalanced and painful. Obviously he doesn't realise it and thinks it was a passing fancy and I'm completely over him. Ignorance is bliss.
Sorry, I know I'm boring, but I need to share and this is a good place to do that. I'm trying to keep my sanity. I'm sure it'll be better once I go back to my flat and my everyday life. My parents' home is making it hard for me to go about my usual business.
Off now.
Discuss this Journal entry [14]
Latest reply: Feb 21, 2003
Practicing what I preach
Posted Feb 17, 2003
Maybe I'm coming down from all the drugs they gave me in the hospital. Maybe it's just that my friend and I have started e-mailing again and I thought I was over him, but I'm not, and now I feel like running in opposite directions, to him and away from him. I want him to share his thoughts with me and I hate the way it was so effortless for him, who just got picked up and carried away, when all I seem to do is get dumped by the side of the road.
Or maybe I'm just sick of never being quite up to scratch.
When I was little, and a teenager, I was too ugly for boys to like me, so it was a non-issue. Something that just wouldn't happen, something that would happen to my prettier, smarter friends. Then I grew up and I was increasingly less ugly, but still felt out of place, and I still wasn't good enough. My boobs were too small, I was too tall, I asked strange questions and expected answers, I thought a lot, I was good.
Then I made peace with the size of my breasts, with my height, the shape of my face, I was determined to turn into a brunette version of Jerry Hall. And so I did, high heels and all.
And I look at myself now and realize that all I have obtained is to have men treat me like I'm some sort of lifeless doll with no feelings. Or worse, I'm worshipped as a goddess and then left standing when they find out that, hey, I'm actually human. Or the worst of all: they leave me precisely because of the things that make me special. Other girls are less complicated.
The only one who wasn't afraid of me is happy with somebody else, and I feel I've missed my big chance, it's all over now, no one will ever really like me again.
And I'm thirty years old, hurt, upset, and have been insulted and told I wasn't worth much so many times that I'm starting to believe that maybe they're not all wrong. Maybe they have a point. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should get used to being a lifeless doll, maybe even try to become one. Become bad and unreliable and bitchy. Use and abuse like I've never done. Kill my conscience.
I don't know how to handle this. All I know is that I can't sleep, and it bugs me that I've told Karen and Hati and all the girls here that they have to be strong and carry on, when really, I don't know how it's done.
From this point on, advice from me is suspended until I get a grip. If ever.
P.S. My stupid nose is like a leaky tap.
Discuss this Journal entry [36]
Latest reply: Feb 17, 2003
Favourite body parts...
Posted Feb 10, 2003
Hello all... my operation is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm relaxed about it. It's got to the point that physical pain doesn't scare me much anymore, because I know it ends at some point... and painkillers don't alter your mood.
Anyway. What I wanted to ask the community, in this aesthetically-inclined week, is: what is your favourite body part, on yourself and other people? There is always something we like best about ourselves, be it eyes, hands, legs or hair. I'm really curious... I will read the results when I get back, the coming Saturday.
Love,
G. (doing a Michael Jackson... not!)
Discuss this Journal entry [57]
Latest reply: Feb 10, 2003
Diamonds are a girl's best friends
Posted Feb 6, 2003
The setting: my female colleague and I are standing in fron of a jeweller's window, which displays a lovely white-gold-and-diamonds ring.
I say: "Ah, never mind, what's the point of looking, I can't afford it anyway."
She says, almost at the same time: "Ah, never mind, what's the point of looking, I've got nobody to buy it for me."
(Insert punchline here)
Discuss this Journal entry [25]
Latest reply: Feb 6, 2003
Danger! High Voltage!
Posted Feb 3, 2003
Still playing with fire. I dropped in on my ex yesterday and gave him a CD with some songs I'd downloaded. He seemed happy enough to see me and got very flirtatious on the messenger later.
I wish I knew what he's trying to do (and before anyone says it, yes, I know it involves the twin concepts of "get" and "in the sack"). I wish I could do a thorough mind-reading of the , so I would know what he's thinking, and act accordingly.
Fact number one: he still makes me laugh my head off.
Fact numer two: alas, I still fancy him.
Fact numer three: I'm heartbroken, but not because of him. Two months have passed and I'm still in pain.
Fact number four: I'm scared but cannot resist playing this game.
NOW I need advice.
Greta
Discuss this Journal entry [16]
Latest reply: Feb 3, 2003
Greta_9, Keeper of the 4/4 Beat and Deep Sexy Basslines, in a strange condition
Researcher U195919
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."