Journal Entries
The 411
Posted Jun 27, 2003
Haven't posted in ages, I know. Two blogs, e-mail, a new message board, social life, gym, work... OK, no excuse but still.
The soap opera that is my life goes on.
For the first time in absolutely YEARS I'm not in love or lusting after anyone. And I'm starting to recognise the urge, the little triggers that are set off by the mere sight of an interesting specimen of the male kind.
I realise I have always been in love, whether happily (not much) or unhappily (most of the time), and that I somehow need the feeling to keep me going. It's very hard to stop. Giving up "boys", as usually call them (and they usually are) is a tougher call than I thought it would be, because at the end of the day I still daydream of having love. Or maybe it's just my hormones kicking in, and what I really need is sexual contact, which I have been raised to believe must only take place in the context of a romantic relationship.
I am not in love, but that doesn't mean there isn't anyone I like right now. I haven't quite worked out if the interest is reciprocated or not (bad); there is more than one person (good); one would be just for the sex (neutral...); they live close by (good); we have friends in common, so I have to be cautious (good).
Any thoughts? (Apart from "sh*g both guys and be done with it...")
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Latest reply: Jun 27, 2003
Broadband fever
Posted May 16, 2003
I've got broadband! Finally! Yeah! On my Pc! At home! Double yeah! Now I can down***d all the **3s I want, stay online for as long as I want, and connect to sites in a blink!
yeah yeah yeaaaaaah!
Discuss this Journal entry [43]
Latest reply: May 16, 2003
Junior high
Posted May 6, 2003
*argh*
Last night I forced myself out of the house to go and see a gig. I had half-promised a few people I would be there, including a guy I've been e-mailing with for a few months. Not, this guy and I (let's call him the Zen Master) are not romanticaly involved, nor there has ever been any discussion of that. We started e-mailing because he'd read my blog and we quickly realised that we were both going through the same ordeal, being in love with our respective best friends who were seeing somebody else.
So that's the preamble. I was quite happy to finally meet the guy in person: I'm all for epistular contact, but meeting face-to-face is ten times better. I didn't know many people in the venue: apart from this guy, I only knew one of the blokes who were playing (excellent electronic set, by the way), the gig organiser (who spent the evening talking to this girl I think he's been seeing for a while) and another guy who was otherwise engaged. Which only left me with my e-mail pal for company, since I'd come alone.
What do you know, Zen Master got nervous because the girl he is in love with was obvioiusly fuming at the nostrils (she is one of those little manipulators who won't go out with him, but cannot stand to see him with other girls). I bought him a drink - this is 2003, right? - and I talked to him a while. I didn't have many people to talk to, so it seemed natural to be around him.
At the end of the evening, he said: "Now people think you fancy me."
Ah, 
. This is so junior high: you talk to a guy, buy him a drink, smile a bit too much and suddenly you're trying to have it off with him, and this is, like, a MAJOR crime. All of a sudden everybody's laughing like it's a house party and there is an undeclared purdah.
It's perfectly fine if the object of Zen Master's affection thinks he's hitting on me. Too bad it has to be the other way around because the guy is too chicken to capitalize on it. What I find terminally annoying is this junior-high attitude. I mean, we're all well past the age of consent. Isn't it time we all stopped behaving like children?
*grrr*
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Latest reply: May 6, 2003
Happy Birthday Ra
Posted May 5, 2003
Today is the 32nd birthday of one of my oldest and best friends, Raffaela, Raffa or Ra for short. We met in our first year at University, nearly twelve years ago, and have been friends ever since. She helped me through several depressive patches just by existing, because she is so cool that all I have to do sometimes is just remind myself that I can't be so bad, if she still wants to be my friend.
She often wonders why I'm still her friend, which is a little weird. She is great. She has a fantastic sense of humour, is well-read, loves music, is smart without being smug about it, and is a wonderful cook. She can make me crack up just by raising an eyebrow and going: "Ohibò!"
Happy birthday, Ra 
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Latest reply: May 5, 2003
Boy trouble ain't the half of it
Posted Apr 30, 2003
Boy trouble. Nice expression. I wish it were just that.
The fact is, rejection is easier to shrug off when the rest of your life is interesting and engaging. The fact is, I don't really like my job. This, at best. At worst, that is when I'm having a bad day on other fronts (I know I swore off boys, but the more you do, the more it seems like fantastic ones will throw themselves at you), I wish I could hurl the PC out of the window and follow it. It's just insufferable.
I've tried all my usual remedies - good music, exercising - but it's not working very well. Then I realise that I MUST do something about my paranoia, my inferiority complex, the fact that I never seem to get it right because I'm just so insecure, and it must show, somehow.
I just don't know where to start.
Discuss this Journal entry [60]
Latest reply: Apr 30, 2003
Greta_9, Keeper of the 4/4 Beat and Deep Sexy Basslines, in a strange condition
Researcher U195919
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