h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The filing cabinet in my office is trying to kill us. Not by the usual means of tipping over and squishing the object of it's malice. Although, it has unsuccessfully tried that. Instead, it has developed a more subtle method. The aforementioned filing cabinet will zap it's chosen prey with a static charge registering on a scale of mildly annoying to Electric Shock Therapy. The victim does not even have to physically touch the filing cabinet, as the charges have extended up to two feet while someone walked past the cabinet without touching it.

Everyone wears rubber soled sneakers, running shoes or trainers to work, and it still shocks us (won't even think about wearing leather shoes to work). In handing my keys to a co worker(near the filing cabinet), my keys and her ring actually sparked in our palms. After being introduced to a new sales rep., while I was filing, we attempted a hand shake...again sparks.

So, is the filing cabinet somehow cogniscent and malicious? Are these zaps the modern replacement for the Biblical lightning bolts? Or is it the Universe picking on us?

I think the cabinet is possessed by evil spirits. Try dumping holy water on it, if you can get close enough!

Evil spirits...hadn't thought of that. It would explain a few other things. How much holy water do you figure a three drawer lateral file cabinet would require?

I'd lob a series of Holy Water Balloons (closely related to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch) from all sides. Fill up quart-size ziploc bags, throw them from a safe distance.

Be prepared to run in case you only make it mad!

Good plan, warrior ranger!

Make sure you have more than enough holy water, just in case the chase becomes frantic and you feel the need to re-douse the Demonic File Cabinet.

Would it help to confuse it if we ran away more?

*can picture a dripping wet, angry filing cabinet...gnashing it's teeth, while rampaging down the highway*

The local priests would probably be willing to help...for a reasonable donation to their church...

*damp papers streaming out behind it, with little holes resembling acid burns*

It's Mardi Gras, right? Would anyone actually notice anything strange about this picture?

*munches King Cake*
Definitely Mardi Gras season.


People would notice the file cabinet...and, throw beads at it, assuming that's one heck of a costume.

Then we would have a rampaging file cabinet, with streaming papers(that look acid burned), draped in beads, with drawers of trinkets and doubloons, chasing us......

*laughs semi-hysterically at the mental image*

I'd recommend arming yourself with holy water in one of those super powerful squirt guns, too, so that you have a mobile arsenal once it takes to the streets...

Join the parade, Demonic Filing Cabinet.... you know you want to!

The super soaker water gun is a great idea

The file cabinet would probably be mistaken for a float... then fire trucks, other vehicles and marching bands would fall in line and follow it through downtown Baton Rouge. All the while Mardi Gras Mambo will be playing in the background...

The cabinet would be shocking people as it went along, but most would be too to care...

Jack Daniels Whiskey and Pat O'Brian's Hurricanes are wonderful anesthetics...

Maybe we could lure the file cabinet into a bar and get it too drunk to care.

Hmmm, getting it drunk could be risky... what if it got even nastier, and started throwing lightning bolts or fireballs...


RUNAWAY

A file cabinet that is a mean drunk
Lightning bolts... Fire balls...

New Orleans still has the electric trolleys in service, with tracks embedded in the streets. And, with all the deep frying that occurs down here...one fire ball could be really volatile.

If the file cabinet got much nastier we could sell it to the army as a weapon upgrade.

Then again, if it were a happy drunk, it'd just shuffle around hugging everybody and saying "I love ya, man!"...

Of course it'd shock with every hug

*can picture a happily drunk file cabinet shuffling down the street, swaying to the jazz music played by the following marching bands, all the while saying "I love ya, man! Give us a hug" to everyone within earshot, only to have those who co operate drop to their knees from the shocks*

Kind of has B movie screen play written all over it...

Tonight's Movie of the Week: The Attack of the Demon Filing Cabinet

There was a local television show that came on at midnight Saturday night. There was a local host dressed in costume. The host would introduce the grade B horror movie each week and talk a bit during the commercial breaks. The host was dressed as a mad scientist in a lab. Movies like "Them" and "Creature from the Deep" were shown on this program. Too bad it isn't on the air anymore, it would be the perfect place for The Attack of the Demon Filing Cabinet... Mind you, the name was Dr. Shock Theater...