h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Trigonometry - Does it work in the forth dimension? Discuss.

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Once upon a time, right, there was this edible giant, called Jim. He had a pet turnip, you know, all the usual stuff. He was hunted by a Belgian caterpillar called Dave, he lived in a two storey bungalow in Bermondsey on the Wold. Quite normal, I think you'll agree. Except that

Nobody called Jim by his name, they just ran away.

Jim always wore a lucky necklace made of other people's misfortune.

Jim broke down and cried if he overheard anyone being nostalgic about biscuits.

Jim's girlfriend, Suzie, was made of cardboard and cheese, and had never met him.

Flying sporks hounded Jim every time he left the house.

A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it. After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door.

"Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress.

Looking back over his shoulder the panda says "I'm a panda". "Look it up in the dictionary."

The waitress locates the dictionary on her bosses desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads,

"Panda Bear - A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves."

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No,"
and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

burp

Tell the one about the Panda again

Long as Dave can remember, he always had pea soup on a Wednesday at lunch time which was always accompanied with rock cakes and a pint of turnip juice.

He started the tradition as an 18 year old journeyman in wood carving and stone carving, two hundred years ago after been given a four bedroom cottage by an eccentric millionaire called Ernie who also paid for his apprenticeship, and his wages when completing his apprenticeship and time being a journey man in which were three times the pay for a full qualified craftsman.

You know who they should have on 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'? That Ray Mears.

May the spork be with you.

Spork the Vulcan.

I have seen sporkcupines with hedgehogs.

A cruel uncle mutilated my mouth, and now I speak with a sporked tongue.

It's Wednesday. It's Pea Soup Day! Hirrah!

I'll be making homemade pea soup tomorrow in my slow cooker.

I am microwaving tesco chicken vindaloo in my microwave.

Hope anyone reading this had a good Christmas. And a happy new year. Especially you, Kat. X

Thank you Alex, I had a very good Christmas and I hope the same was for you and may 2012 be a great one.

My name's Santa Claus. I hate sherry and mince pies. Yuk. Stop it. I end up eating Rudolph's carrot.