h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Show me the way to go home,
where I live in a house made of foam.
My neighbours are gnomes and live on loam,
in houses shaped like domes.
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed,
where I'll be fed and wed to Ned.
But just take me to my garden shed.
I've had a too much to drink,
and it's started to make we wink.
No matter where I go I'll start to shrink,
and my body will turn to pink mink.
So I'll start to think,
and then more to drink.
But now I've had 12 pins of beer,
which has filled me with cheer.

Another of Homer's drinking songs:


Beer makes you snear at rhymes by Edward Lear.
Ale makes you wail at whales who speak in Gael.
Whisky makes your actions risky as you become frisky.
Brandy makes you dress up as a dandy and call yourself Andy.
Rum makes you glum especially after eating green plums.
Cider makes you think you are a spider flying on a glider.
Stout makes you want to pout at trouts who eat brussel sprouts.
Wine makes you whine about the living near the River Tyne.

A Love song by Homer

Maybe we could make it all right
We could have a fight with a kite.
Maybe we could make it happen baby
When I sing you a lullaby whilst drink a cup of tea.
I'ts quite strange when we on the rifle range,
nearby the grange where you got the mange.
Still I’m dying with every step I take
thinking about the cake that I'll bake.
Just a little, little bit better
when it's written by letter for the request of a sweater.
Tell me would it be nice to come for tea,
and we'll have brie with our salad smothered in ghee.
I'll go and find the right change to have a go on the golf range,
becoming deranged as we exchange citrange blanchmange.
So when I 'm awake and quake every time I drink a milk shake,
down by the lake, eating a plate of hake watching the fake drakes on the lake.
But I don’t look back
when I'm wearing my rain mac.
but things will never change
if we don't have picnics on the grange.
Still maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying everytime we go flying,
sighing and spying as we go crying when we go buying.
But things will never change if you keep on getting mange.
And we keep on muttering strange mutterings whilst on the rifle range.
So I don’t look back when I start to quack,
having a snack and a bit of lamb cut off from the rack.
So let's go to the lake and talk to the snakes eating chocolate flakes.
With the advice from the snakes who are on the make and have learnt how to bake.
Just a little, little bit better
when writing a letter wearing out fetters whiilst walking the red setter.
Good enough to waste some time.
as we learn how to mine and drinking wine as the clock chimes.
Tell me would it make you happy baby
and maybe we could go to the sea or even down the river Cree.
We could keep trying
whenever we go frying and flying.
but things will never change
to arrange to go down the coast range.
So I don’t look back
and my name isn't Jack and I'm no hack.
Still I’m dying with every step I take,
everytime I go down by the lake with my rake.
But I don’t look back,
wearing my rain mac and trying to stay on track.
We could keep trying
as we go buying but all we does is keep on crying.
but things will never change
if we never have the picnic on the grange.
So I don’t look back
when I am looking for tack.
Still we could go in the garden to get my rake,
and have a mini break where we'll dine on best beef steak.
But I don’t look back
as I might lose my nack.

Homer's neighbours have been having non-stop firework parties since the begining of October as every night is bonfire night until March. Then they drink from their tinnies made by a company called Winnies that make them want to put on their pinny on and man (person) the bbq.

Another of Homer's love songs:

Every time I drink a milk shake,
it makes me wanna bake a cake.
Every time the floor shakes,
I see vivid green dancing snakes.
Every time my heart breaks,
it starts an earthquake.
Making me wanna partake in eating steak,
with Jake who is always on the make.
I'm rarely awake when I see Blake,
who's drinks sake that makes him ache.
Oh I love you when you're wearing blue,
and preparing my favourite stew.
Oh Sue why are you in love with a kangaroo,
who's from Kalamazoo and who's been pursued from Peru.

Chorus
#We're going down the pub!
We're going to have some grub!
We're going to pay our subs!
We're going to bathe in a hot tub!
We're going to join the hub!
We're not going to be snubbed!
We're going to get our rose shrubs!#

#Come on, come on to the salon,
with Shaun and Dawn.
Come on, come on and have a yawn,
at who's drawn out the spawn.
That's nicknamed Genghis Khan,
and dances with the whistling swan.
And was there when Sally met Harry,
down the alley discussing the car rally.#

A song by Homer's girlfriend who's forgettton Homer's name and keeps calling him Stan-io!

Verse 1
I can remember when I was on my own-io with Stan-io,
when we talked about the rodeo as we watched the video.
And all he wanted to do is moan-io about Antonio.
Laughed at my cameo as I turned down the stereo.
Was in a weird daze and told me he was really Peter Haynes,
and everything turned hazy as he started to praise Zea Mays.
So we all were surrounded by rays and ablaze of essays,
that were jumping up and down, ready to be rephrased.(sung twice over)

Chorus
Every little earthquake, every little snake that shakes,
every time I am awake, I want to dance with a drake that's a fake.
Every time I eat steak and want to have a shake with a rake.
Every time I bake a cake and then wish I baked hake.
Every time I go to the lake and see the drake on the make.
Every time I break off the stakes with Blake and Jake.
Every time I laugh and whistle at them for their own sake.
Every time I go off and take their spice cake.(sung twice over)

Verse 2
So let's all go to Grays and pay our way towards the buffet,
supplied by Renee and the laughing toupee.
Who sells bouquets of ashtrays and sprays out portraits of Zefa.
Does it all at his soiree's with the help of Jose and the football fray.
And then goes and hits his customers with his serving trays as he starts to pray.(sung twice over)

Chorus repeated

Verse 3
Because I cannot stand when you come home,
calling yourself Jerome and covered head-to-toe in shaving foam.
Telling me that you want to move back to Rome and live in a dome.
Calling yourself Jerome and that you feed yourself on loam.
Chanting ohm as you get out your honeycomb and call it Boehm.
So come and smile for awhile and don't worry about having piles,
it will help to beguile Kyle who is on trial for being too versatile.
Do it in style and walk down the aisle, trying to be vile,
but instead you walk down the mall for a mile, thinking you are on the Nile.(sung twice over)

Chorus repeated:

Verse 4
How many nights do I see you fight with a kite,
flying and holding it by the string as you ward off imaginary sprites.
And if there is any slight done to you, you go off to wear purple tights.
Getting a fright when you excite white lights that turn into knights,
then get ignited when they invite you to recite poems about strange rites.
You tell them off with your funny plight of falling from a great height,
by falling to the ground when you are sitting on the floor having a bite.
Eating a plateful of cakes surrounded by hungry kites that turn out to be sprites.
And everytime I make rabbit stew you go off and drink a gallon of special brew.
Then go and put a dvd of Winnie the Pooh as you threw the stew out on the church pew.
But find out that all you done is spoil my settee and then trying to clean it with glue.
Then you use your snooker cue as magic wand and renew everything by turning it all blue.(sung twice over)

Chorus repeated

One of Honer's crazy love songs:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I won't glow in the snow and shout out whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Or talk to the doe who's called Joe.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So you can grow with your foes but I won't bow.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And no more visits from the crow who's your bro.

When Homer eats too many carrots it turns his skin orange and losing the ability to repeat everything and the only cure is to drink whisky twice a day, once in the morning and once at night.

Homer is now living in a upturned boat that has been converted into a house. It's quite a big boat and every day he greets his neighbour who lives in town by saying Amos is willing and is willing to go fishing. Homer keeps on changing his name and has a new is different depending on his mood.

Homer has been worried about the end of the world ever since the film 2012 was aired last November. Now he's in hiding because everyone thinks he's an alien because he went to the doctor's for a check up and he was told he's got two hearts.

I thought, just the other day, tommorrow, that maybe, it would be for sure the day after last thursday when I didn't have this idea, where it wasn't that it first failed to be realised to me in a way that made sense to itself if not necessarily me at the time. Well, waht that all ment was, that by the time it came to me to come to mean that it had or rather I shoudl say like , well what it didn't, then, It was probably not already too late. So I decided not to recieve it as it wouldn't be there in time for last year.

Homer went on the bus the today and as usual it was ten minutes late and what made it worse is that the driver would answer any query with nae bothered and then do a highland jig whilst sitting down for five minutes before driving off.

Blummin typical! Bus drivers? Sent by satan to encourage mankind into sinful thoughts!

Homer went on the bus yesterday morning and the bus driver was not as late as usually is, instead of being 10 minutes late he was two minutes late and the strangest thing was it was a very foggy and frosty day. It was such a surprise that Homer nearly missed his stop and had to go to the pub for a snifter .

When Homer the parrot was a wee lad before he found out he was a parrot, he found that he could only eat carrots were allergic to bird seed. Lived in a two up and two down flat with forty other parrots and spent their time talking about their past/present/future illnesses, shopping trips, day trips and long weekend breaks.

Where did the bus go? It left Lakeside bound for Bluewater, and was never seen again. Some say it was beamed aboard a space ship when it was half way across the QE2 bridge. Still others say it passed into a wormhole in the space time continuum before it even got that far. Still others say it took a wrong turning and ended up crashing through some gates and got lost on the London road. Still others say "what bus?".

The bus that left for Lakeside bound for Bluewater, strangely went through a wormhole that led it and its passengers to Charring Cross Road in London. But that was not the strangest part they saw people mysteriously disappear into a broken-down old shop but the bus driver told that they were all hallucinating and gave them a blue bubbly drink which turned them into sorcerers and now slowly the fog that was covering their eyes slowly lifted and now they could see the Leaky Cauldron Inn in all it's finery. Only the Harry Potter fans on the bus new what all this meant is that they were going to have some wonderfully exciting but sometimes frightening adventures. People started to noticed that they were a lot shorter and a lot younger and had reverted to 10 or 11 year old children an age where they would be eligible to attend Hogwarts Boarding School.

Ecky thump, ecky thump, why, why say ecky thump to a grump,
who likes eating porridge full of lumps.
Drinks wine that makes them shine whenever they start to mine,
whenever they receive fines of winking on a boat on the river Tyne.

Moaning Minnie wears her pinny,
when going into the kitchen for a few child tinnies.
Friends with a bear called Winnie,
and a donkey that turns into a horse that whinnies when playing shinny.