h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Now his neigbours or complaining that he needs explaining.
About his noisy planing early in the morning where he goes boring.
That makes them all start snoring as the find themselves in their ship's morings.

Hairy fairies called Harry who like to tarry
and then go of to Derry to marry.
Then they wail at bales of hay that have tails growing out of them.
Along with the pail of pale water which was sent to them by the male who reads everyone elses mail.
That helps them to hit the nail on the head when they find the lost grail on the railway line next to a consignment of kale.

Homer remembers when he were a wee lad and there were 900 of them in a tin can which was under the floorboards and in the middle of the road which was in the bottom of the lake and in a dust bin that was also in a black hole somewhere in the back of beyond in the Delta quadrant. Where everyone had to get up before they were born or even before they were thought about and work a millenium a day and were whipped by timelords if they had not saved several civilisations before they came into to existence.

Arnie had a barney with Barney,
about the state of the sarnies.
That were made by Varney from Gavarnie,
with the help of Ernie and Burnie.
Which led them to sing about the army,
and the leaders who were acting barmy.
Found themselves in a stranger's flat,
and sat on a Mat and his name was Matt.
Turned into a rat everytime he saw a cat,
that made him spat out cheese.
When the cat chased him, he turned into a bat.
That played cricket and chatted to a fat sprat,
who was wearing a velvet hat.

Thanks Not-so-bald-eagle

Homer neighbours spend most of the time outside his front door blethering about Homer and that he is strange because he doesn't have any fight karaoke parties as they burn holes with their cigarettes onto Homer's steps.

Homer should design an ashtray !

Homer tried that but it caused an even bigger arguement leading to a punch up last night. It all started at 9 pm when Homer put his special ashtray out as it moved to various positions outside his home when anyone was smoking a cigerrette and it followed the smoker around the front of his house.

Two neighbours were having their Friday night arguement and it only happens every Friday night where they go into the driveway in their car and out of their car and back into their house arguing and not sure where they are going.

About two hours later 2 other people joined in the argument which turned into a fight but they followed the same pattern of the previous arguers, they kept going in and out of their car and into the house fighting and not sure what they were fighting over than it's a thing they need to do every Friday night.

Then another 4 people turned up and joined in the affray and tlhey don't know what they were arguing or fighting about, infact all the arguers and fighters changed their stories of why they wanted to join. Some said they were bored and others said that they got an invite to the fight arguement and others said where is the booze and karaoke as they fight it was a karaoke fight party.

maybe he should just allow smoking in his house.... by a window maybe

Homer tried that but they ended up drinking and singing the most weird song:

I remember you,
you were the only who wears blue.
Yes I do, when I see Sue.
I remember you,
you used to live in the zoo with Hugh.
I remember you, I remember you.
When you are due to pay for the glue.

Then they started fighting and shouting allegations that they have been interviewed by OK/Hello/ magazines etc and have been on the Jeremy Kyle show.

All the females have had plastic surgery to look like Katie Price and the males had plastic surgery to look at Petre Andrei which is the reason for their drunken arguements and fights.

Homer has had a new neighbour move and her name is "Sad when happy, and happy when sad Janet" and everyday her fans come to visit her and sing her this song:

Janet, Janet pride of your planet,
the whole planet is proud of you.
Janet, Janet pride of all our solar system,
all the Death Eaters are jealous of you.
Janet, Janet pride of all our galaxy,
all the Q are pleased with you.
Janet, Janet pride of our quardrant,
the Sith want you as part of their crew.
Janet, Janet pride of our universe,
the Brotherhood of mutants want you.
Janet, Janet pride of our multi-verses,
the Master wants to marry you.

When skies are grey there will Janet,
she rules the day with her granite, gannet.

Jannet pride of all stargates,
the Ori are in debted to you.
Janet, Janet pride of all gateways,
The goauld want you as a system lord.
Janet, Janet, pride of all alternative dimensions.
The wraith want to feed on you.

Another song for Janet (Homer's neighour), by her fan club

Give me Janet all day long.
Give me Janet and a funny song.
Give me Janet and I will plan it.
Give me Janet and I will run it.
Give me Janet when it rains.
Give me Janet every time.
Give me Janet all day long.
Give me Janet all night long.
Give me Janet from another planet.
Give me Janet but not sunshine,
and let it rain especially in Spain and Maine.
With songs to sing there will be plenty of bling.
Give me Janet and make it snappy and it will make us happy.
Give me Janet and the boys will be back in town,
and make it a swell night full of bells.
Oh Janet is back in town with a frown that makes her look brown,
wearing her crown to her Norhtumberia kingdom which is at the farside of the river Thames.

HOmer's song:

I was bobbing along on a crest wave,
when I said Hello to Bob.
He said why do you sob when you talk to Rob?
I said no way Hosea,
it's my hosiery.
And it's making me blue,
whenever I run out of glue.
And my name is Sue,
and I am with the pru.
So tell me Bob, why do you lob,
your corn cobs?
I do it when I get bored of doing my daily chores,
which always gets me floored.

Another of Homer's songs:

I remember you,
your the one who baked a cake for me.
Yes you did, not you did not.
I remember you,
no I don't, yes I do.
You are always in my garden drinking sake,
with the parke.
If I had a pew, I would hear you calling.
Oh no what I can I do?
So I remember, I remember, I don't remember you.

Mew, mew, mew said Sue to Hugh.
Who brews blue brew made out of glue.
Added to the stew by Winnie the Pooh,
and with the help from the kangaroo;
that came down from Australia with the gnu.
To go to the zoo to shoo chou at the crew.

Homer finds that his neighbours when they get up rush out and go into their cars and when Homer is not looking go in the front of his garden and stare into his front room watching dancing the Fandango.

Homer dreamt that the was at the seaside where he found he had magical powers. He could do cartwheels but not do them on the ground but floating in the air. He was aboard an interstellar cruise space when he went into a nanic when four wanted to have dishes and there was not a replicator anywhere in sight. So he went and got the magic wand from the performing magican and produced the replicator but instead of fish coming out of it, there was huge raw legs of lamb and mutton coming out of it.

Homer reminices:

I remember when were a wee lad, there were 8000 of us in a the size of a tin can and we had to find our own food on both habital and non habital planets. Ee started work before the dawn of time, and worked a millenium a day for a few thousand credits. We were made to listen to long-winded lectures by quantums physics at night by the time lords to get us to sleep, if you did not clean the maw cluster properly with a toothbrush.

Homer reminices:

I remember when I was a wee lad, there were 8000 of us in a tardis the size of a tin can and we had to find our own food on both habital and non habital planets. Ee started work before the dawn of time, and worked a millenium a day for a few thousand credits. We had to save several civilisations before they even came into existance every day. We were made to listen to extremely long winded lectures about quantums physics at night by the time lords to get us to sleep, if you did not clean the maw cluster properly with a toothbrush. We were expected to know about thousand different customs from a thousand different worlds and able to solve intergalatic disputes even before they were started. We had to arrive before we left and be at our place of destination before anyone asked us to go there. We trainee time lords had it hard, not like the lot now adays, they have it easy. If we told what we had to go through they would not believe it.

Homer lives in a place where mercury is always in retrograde and where all computers are going haywire and where everyone misunderstand each other and all cheques get lost in the post.