We use every kind of additive and artificial preservative

Right. OK then.

I live a ridiculous life in Maidenhead, Berkshire, England. My weekdays at a well known bankrupt telecommunications company are usually spent involved in disturbing conversations with my work colleagues and writing hoax Nostradamus quatrains. In fact, I may as well be doing this on a professional basis, as I actually do very little of what I am employed to do, which is make sure premium rate service numbers work when people dial them. So if you're of a mind to be ringing Bored Housewives or Home Alone Schoolgirls - and don't feel bad, they need company too - it's my technical wizardry that is making the call work.

In addition to connecting porn lines I ride a bike an awful lot, get annoyed by West Ham United, sell t-shirts advocating violence towards marine life and collect Soviet-era Russian civilian awards. I have a spare Order of Labour 2nd Class, if you're interested, '50s issue.

Maidenhead is nicer than Reading

Until very recently I lived on the 'Oh go on, please, I'm nearly 14' Whitley Estate in Reading. Now I live in 'It isn't fair, all my friends have a Volkswagon Beetle except me, I hate you' Maidenhead. Do I prefer it? You betcha.

My hobbies include myopia, recurring knee strain and frowning at my dog. I'm studying a degree as well, through the Open University. Eventually, it'll be Political Philosophy and Social Theory, but at the moment it's mainly to do with reading sonnets and looking at Doric columns.

So, if you have any questions about Orders of the Red Banner or merit awards for the Reclaiming of the Donbass Mines - and who hasn't? - I'm your man. But in any case, do feel free to say Hi, I'll certainly stop for a natter. During work time, I should think.


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