Journal Entries
Never thought I would be here again
Posted Sep 21, 2009
I am beyond lonely, flatbound, stuck in a wheelchair, can't get outside unless its the weekend and husband is around to push me, no garden. My health is getting worse and worse, no cure for this.
I realise I was a difficult person to get on with, having complex ptsd does that for one.
But as I sit here unable to sleep with tears pouring down, I realise that if I died, no-one but my husband would know or care and no-one else but my husband would come to my funeral.
Oh and I tried many psychiatrists, the last was going to book me into ptsd counselling and put me on a medication which actually helped. Instead due to a fire alarem and his lack of brain. He discharged me without doing any of my paperwork. My doctor couldn't chase up on it, against the rules. I would have had to go back and start again, I couldn't face that.
So here I sit knowing that I am such a bad person/friend that no-one here tried to keep in touch. My future is very bleak, my days are painful and grim. I see no point anymore in fighting.
I wish that someone here saw beyond my constant state of panic and my chronic illness and disability and saw something which made me worth keeping in touch with, but I guess there is nothing left in me worth anything, it was all destroyed by abuse.
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Sep 21, 2009
Interesting times
Posted Oct 2, 2007
I had to leave h2g2 due to the italics continually hijacking my threads with banal suggestions which I know from experience do not help.
I was in the middle of a major breakdown and these actions definately made it impossible for me to communicate with friends here, so I left.
Since then, I reached a very low place. Disability is a difficult thing to get used to. I was very depressed by not being able to get anywhere, no-one would visit and I had no-one to turn to, not even for a casual chat.
However, my Mum by marriage bought us a car, so that I could get around again. This has helped my depression a lot. I made my first long journey in a year.
Also I have been working on the root cause of everything and broke contact with my parents, and that did leave me the lowest I had ever been. At that point all my friends had gone.
At last all those waiting lists came to fruition. I am on new medication, on a waiting list for an op, and waiting for a couple of other treatments as well. Finally I met a consultant who agreed that it was obvious that my back problems were a symptom of a deeper problem. I have a nervous problem due to ptsd, resulting in herniated discs, vv, ibs-d and many many other things. It is wonderful to finally get proper treatment.
Last week the day after going to the pain clinic and starting a new medication, I ended up in A&E, the drug was too strong and I am now on a lower dose. The weekend after that we had a wonderful time, the best weekend for a very long time. It was full of new beginings, acceptance and a readiness to deal with things. I was telling my husband how happy I was, when a car pulled out into us and wreaked our car, leaving us very shaken and with spectacular bruises from the seatbelts and various impacts.
Once this would have destroyed me, this time as we talked with the witnesses about what had happened, about how they were all amazed at the other drivers actions, I realised I would survive this fine. We hurt a lot, the shock lasted a few days, we couldn't move due to the aches and bruising. I am quite impressed at my bruises! Still the other driver has admitted fault and our hire car arrived today, the world continues.
I remember people here who accused me of lies, and now I smile at the memories. People full of hate for me, because I dared to be open about the abuse. People who hated me as I started to get better. They called my abuse lies, they called my improvements lies, so many lies it makes you wonder at the psyche of the people who accused me of them all!I can now move on, I hope those people full of hate can move on one day too.
I made so many enemies here because I didn't fit in, now I realise this isn't a place I wish to fit into.
So I leave again, on a better note. The friends I thought I had have gone, but a few old friends have got back in touch.
Take care all of you.
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Oct 2, 2007
I hate the NHS
Posted May 31, 2007
Back in 1999, I thought I had herniated a disc in my spine, it fitted all the symptoms and was just like the time I had done it at 17. Oh no I was told, nothing showed up on the x-ray. So I got better and things were good, then bad, then good then bad. It all got much worse in December 2004, so in April 2005 I went to a&e and was advised to ask for an MRI scan, as they show much more than x-rays. So I did, I went and asked, he said okay and then didn't bother. I didn't find this out till December 2005 when I rang and asked how long the waiting list was.
So I saw another doctor and he referred me, I saw the specialist in May 2006 and had the MRI. Although my next appointment was not for a year, they explained that my doctor just had to ask for the interpretation to be sent to him and that would save lots of time. So I asked my doctor and he agreed. After my scan I wrote to my doctor and he had changed his mind.
So I had no choice but to wait. In the meantime I saw a physio therapist who was adamant that I had not had a herniated disc. Things got a bit better than a lot worse. In December 2006 I was in so much pain that we called out the doctor. Lucky for us the one who refused to do the interpretation for us arrived and treated me like a sack of potatoes. He offered to refer me to physio and to the pain clinic.
In April 2007 I had an appointment with the physiotherapist who was adamant that I did not have anything wrong with my spine and wondered why the doctor had referred me. My doctor had not referred me for the pain clinic though and neither could physio.
At this point I gave up and waited for the appointment, which was today. I have 2 herniated discs, one of them is the same one I had when I was 17.
1. If the first doctor had referred me when promised that would have saved me 6 months.
2. If the second doctor had asked for the MRI interpretation to be sent to him, that would have saved me a year. It also would have meant that in December I could have had treatment for a known condition, as opposed to the shoddy treatment I did get, which involved me being labelled as a difficult patient and that maye I should leave the practice.
3. If I had had an MRI when it first herniated, that would have saved me 8 years.
4. If anyone had listened to me back in 1999, when I said it feels like when I herniated my L4/5 at 17, that would have been an exact diagnosis.
Although I am very pleased to have the diagnosis, I am absolutely furious at the length of time it has taken to get it.
Now I face more physio, perhaps this time they won't be so adamant that I do not have a herniated disc. At last a referral to the pain clinic, which was originally promised back in December last year. Possible injections and surgery. The thecal sac which protects the spinal bundle is being pressed on as well, so that explains a lot.
Discuss this Journal entry [22]
Latest reply: May 31, 2007
My thoughts on Auntie Beeb
Posted May 25, 2007
if you ever post suicidal posts on here, you get a visit from Auntie Beeb, who recommends that you contact your gp or the samaritans. This may help some people, but not others.
For instance myself, I have been depressed since 12, suffered from ptsd since 18. Major breakdown in 1999 and now am disabled due to all the above.
My only support is my husband. Due to not working I have no income of my own. Due to a fear of authority figures, I cannot deal with benefits people. I am very aware that if something happened to my husband I would only have one option.
My only friends are here, I cannot go offline and talk to anyone else, because there is no-one else. Sometimes I get filled with dspair, generally I am not suicidal, but only want this present situation to end/change. I often express this is suicidal wishes and this can be intrepreted as suicidal thoughts, but it isn't.
I need somewhere to articulate my absolute despair though. So I come here. All I need to know is that one person is lstening. I know they cannot fix this, but just to know one person has taken the time to understand and say hi, makes all the difference and helps me to begin to lift my despair.
The last time I felt like this, Auntie Beeb came and suggested the usual. This tipped me into anger, I feel this is dangerous. Auntie Beeb started around the time that the survivors group was around. This was a group where people like me talked to other people like me and we supported each other. The italics actively did not want this group on h2g2, to the point where one italic said we did not know what suffering was and were whinging about nothing. Another italic said that they were not trained in helping people with our problems and therefore felt we should go elsewhere.
The point is that we had had enough of people 'trained' in our problems and wanted to help each other. We all knew that often all we needed was to know that someone else was there. We didn't need or want 'expert' advice. You realise pretty soon in these situations that there is no 'expert' advice anyway. Most psychs are just people who are also survivors who have 'trained' in helping others. They feel only their method will help, if you refuse their method then you are in denial. They is no room for individuality or opinions.
Most of us survivors know that is not what we need. However it tends to be only survivors who know that, which is why we can help each other. People who have not gone through the process still tend to think that a psych can sort it all out. Having had a psych try to suggest events that didn't happen, ie try to 'recover' memories, I am actually very very anti-psychs.
Another thought is that people need to have their lives acknowledged. There are many 'suicide' websites and people can go there and talk about this subject. Many just need to talk and they often talk themselves out of it. But some people need to talk about the gritty details, it is often these gritty details which make them realise that suicide is just a fantasy and not something which they want.
So there is a place I believe for this kind of talk. Perhaps this website is not the best place, seeing as how people of any age can be here. However kids get suicidal, I was from the age of 13/14. So by trying to stop talk of it here, we also stop peoples way of dealing with these thoughts.
I can get so desperate that the sudden presence of Auntie Beeb can make me feel suddenly unwelcome on my own page. Bearing in mind my only friends are here, where else am I meant to go? I have a fear of my gp and the samaritans are completely useless in long-term situations like this.
I know that all I need is to know that one person is out there listening. One post makes me feel better. Somestimes is no-one is around I just rant and rant in my postings and get it out of my system that way, in the end it works for me.
For someone who hasn't thought this all through and realised that their despair is temporary and isn't really a desire for suicide, is Auntie Beeb what they need? Could the presense of Auntie Beeb in such a situation prompt the person to log off, and work it through on their own? Could this not lead to dire results?
Our friends are often the only people who understand us, especially if in cases like me, they have seen us go through it many many times. My friends know all I need is acknowledgement, or just a space to rant and rage, I don't need the samaritans and thoughts of my gp could tip me over the edge. I am not saying that there are any easy answers, but we are individuals and to treat us all the same and to always point us towards strangers could be counter-productive, when all we want is our friends.
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: May 25, 2007
With a heavy heart...
Posted May 19, 2007
... its time to accept my limitations.
I will be looking at how you become registered disabled, so that I can get some help in dealing with this.
I thought I was getting better but I have stuck. I used to walk to Croydon and back everyday, sometimes twice, now I can maybe manage it once a fortnight.
I can usually get to our ponds, its 20 minutes away, we spend the day there feeding the ducks and squirrels. But I can't get much further anymore and I need to face upto that.
I wonder whether I will ever get to the coast again, see my parents again. Its all dependent on Moonglum passing his driving test. Even then we cannot afford a car, being on an IVA. So we maybe able to hire a car once a month and get somewhere, anywhere.
I don't want to pressure him but it would change my life right now. We could visit relatives again and oh so much. Even once a month would be heaven compared to this.
I know so many people have it so much worse, I remind myself of that, whenever I get too 'poor me'. But I always loved to walk, I could always just keep on going, finding new things, and now I just can't. I am crying my eyes out, but I guess its good I finally accepted this change in my life.
Discuss this Journal entry [52]
Latest reply: May 19, 2007
Kaz
Researcher U182246
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