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Oh dear.

Post 1

kelli - ran 2 miles a day for 2012, aiming for the same for 2013

I've spent the entire day thinking about how to organise things so that I can leave my husband. That isn't a good sign for a marriage is it?


Oh dear.

Post 2

Vip

I occasionally muse about how I'd cope if Mr Vip died, which is certainly morbid, but I find it oddly comforting to have a plan in place were the absolute worst to happen.

I can't say I've considered the divorce angle though.

smiley - fairy


Oh dear.

Post 3

Good Doctor Zomnker (This must be Tuesday," said GDZ to himself, sinking low over his Dr. Pepper, "I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.")

It probably isn't Kelli but, if it is necessary, you should do it.


Oh dear.

Post 4

Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am...

Not a good sign, but if it is something you're seriously considering it's probably the right thing.

smiley - hug


Oh dear.

Post 5

Sho - employed again!

smiley - hug
it won't help you now, but it's something I also do with alarming (and increasing) regularity.
smiley - stiffdrink


Oh dear.

Post 6

Sol

It depends whether it made you feel relieved and happy or not really.


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Post 7

Santragenius V

I'd be uneasy, too. Might a smiley - stiffdrink help?


Oh dear.

Post 8

Taff at home

""it won't help you now, but it's something I also do with alarming (and increasing) regularity.""

Sho!!!

opening lines to "Hungry Heart"smiley - musicalnote

know your a Boss fansmiley - ok

smiley - bat


Oh dear.

Post 9

Sho - employed again!

eek - that didn't actually occur to me. *hangs head in shame*

More smiley - hug for Kelli


Oh dear.

Post 10

Blue-Eyed BiPedal BookWorm from Betelgeuse (aka B4[insertpunhere])

smiley - erm
kelli,
Tell me again, why did you and your husband get married? Common interests? Similar goals and lifestyles? Same religious beliefs?
smiley - erm
Are the core values each of you started with still valid to this day? Do each of you still believe in the original promises and commitments you whispered to one another in your private time, in confidence, in earnestness? Do the two of you still revisit those ideas and thoughtfully consider their importance?
smiley - erm
Would ~both~ of you take the time (in this crazy hurried and harried world) to pause and take stock of all you've built? Would ~both~ of you consider the impact of life apart, the ruined relationships that come with it? Would ~both~ of you be willing to put a bit of work into repairing any damage you've done to one another, and keep on working to renew and revitalize your life together? Would either of you honestly ignore the potential impact it could have on how your children might handle their personal relationships in future?
smiley - hug
I know it can be tough. Been there; done it; got the T-shirt. Even in my current (third) marriage--to a wonderful Godly woman--there have been times when things have gone askew in our thinking or emotions. The only way we survived the events was to remember why we got into marriage to begin with--for a monogamous, close interpersonal relationship, and for companionship for a lifetime. We also have had to "go back to The Word" (scripture) to act as a mediator to some of our misunderstandings. We wouldn't have done it correctly otherwise, because we'd have skewed the "fix action" according to either party's personal viewpoint. We had to have a STANDARD (a ruler, a gauge, an example) to measure ourselves against, something to aspire to as the pinnacle of our behaviour and practice.
smiley - cheerup
Sweet lady, don't get in a rush to solve this. It may take some time. The willingness of ~both~ of you to work toward each other will, however, have the greatest pay-off for all concerned. When ~both~ of you get stronger in your LOVE for each other, there won't be anything that'll tear you apart. Be prepared for mistakes, for set-backs, for additional misunderstandings. Be patient with one another; take time each day to rekindle your "first love" ideals. Then bask each day in its warmth and glory in the success you've had in growing up together as husband and wife and children.
smiley - hug
B4thisthingspiralsoutofcontrolwhenabitoflovecanstraightenitout


Oh dear.

Post 11

kelli - ran 2 miles a day for 2012, aiming for the same for 2013

Sol, none of this is making me feel very happy really, but it helps me feel less desperate if I think there is something I could do if I really had to leave.

This was all sparked off by the holiday argument again. Husband has been resisting booking one all year and the latest reason was that as my mum couldn't come it wouldn't be much of a holiday. Well she managed to get her boss to agree to he taking a week of leave so I told him the good news and he basically said he didn't want to come away with us. I felt very hurt at the thought that my husband can't stand the thought of a week away with us.

We talked about all this on saturday night - he said he hadn't realised how important having a holiday was to me (!), also said from his perspective he wants to spend his holidays at home and didn't (doesn't, still I think) realise why that isn't a break for me. He thinks going anywhere with the children is too much hard work. Also he was resenting the money it will cost because although we can afford it he feels it is throwing money away and as he isn't enjoying his job right now he feels like it isn't worth the work he has had to do to pay for it. We are at a bit of an impasse with it now but better that we have talked it through. Not that I think anything much will change.

B4, thanks for your post, but I don't feel your scripture is relevent to us. I would rather talk with him to discover what we can do to resolve things together now than take instruction from a 2000 year old arab culture.


Oh dear.

Post 12

Vip

Those are some pretty fundamental differences - for him, being home is a holiday, for you it's the same as every day.

On the plus side it sounds like broaching the subject has made both of you discover that you have different opinions! I hope you can carry on talking about it though, as it sounds like there hasn't been a resolution.

As a thought, perhaps one resolution might be that you do go away with your mum and leave him at home. He gets his week at home looking after the kids, you get your break from looking after the home. It's not ideal though as what you probably really need is for the pair of you to go away together by yourselves!

smiley - fairy


Oh dear.

Post 13

kelli - ran 2 miles a day for 2012, aiming for the same for 2013

I very much doubt he would be happy with having the kids at home for a week!

He never used to be like this, it really is since we had the children.


Oh dear.

Post 14

Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am...

I'm sorry if this is prying too much, but what's the longest time he's had the kids on his own compared to the longest time you have?

I hope you guys manage to find enough communication and understanding here... sounds like he could do with a serious kick up the bum regarding the latter!


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Post 15

I'm not really here

That's painful that he sees the boys as a barrier to enjoying himself to that extent. I have chosen holidays for their childcare in the past, so I could leave J with specialists for at least a morning, and all day at least 3 days over a fortnight while I got on with the important business of reading by the pool. BluesShark and I paid a lot of money one year (bless him) so we could have time off.

Maybe that sort of holiday would appeal more?


Oh dear.

Post 16

Vip

"I very much doubt he would be happy with having the kids at home for a week!"

Then why should you, on *your* holiday? Because that's what he's suggesting by staying at home.

It's not easy to fix though. Money helps. Somewhere like Center Parcs is wonderful because there is so much you can do, but you have to pay through the nose for it.

smiley - fairy


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Post 17

Milla, h2g2 Operations

smiley - cuddle

Thinking of you, and hoping you can find your way back to happy life together.

smiley - towel


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Post 18

Hypatia

Kelli, I apologize for being so blunt, but I'm going to say something I've thought for years. I like J. He's a likeable guy. But he is also immature, selfish and manipulative. He seems incapable of seeing things from your perspective. Everything is about him. I've watched you make excuses for him and shoulder more than your share of the compromises that are necessary for a successful relationship. And I've watched you feel bad about yourself and make extreme efforts to please him and make him proud of you.

Marriage isn't the happy ever after we dream of as kids reading fairly tales. It's a lot of work. It's also about sometimes sacrificing our own needs and desires for our partner or for the relationship itself. But it has to be a two way street. It can't be just you doing the sacrificing. We take vows "for better or worse", not for impossible. I suspect that if you didn't have the boys, he'd find some other reason to be dissatisfied.

I'm sending lots of hugs and moral support. smiley - hugsmiley - cuddlesmiley - stiffdrink


Oh dear.

Post 19

Z

Hi Kelli.
I've been in Europe for a few days, so able to read but not comment. I had a few things to say.

We all fantasise about leaving our jobs and relationships once in a while. So the fact that you're thinking about it doesn't mean your marriage is over. That said it could be a sign of a problem that needs addressing. I guess that you need to work out which is true.

You seem to have this arguement every year. It seems that he doesn't like holidaying with small children. If this is all you argue about you're probably doing quiet well. The children won't be small for ever and as they get older he might find it easier to spend time with them.

But if it's symptomatic of a larger problem you need to do something. If talking abouf it together doesn't work then maybe Counselling?
I'm also a little worried that you've posted your problems so publicly. Is their a chance that he could find this?


Oh dear.

Post 20

I'm not really here

"It seems that he doesn't like holidaying with small children. If this is all you argue about you're probably doing quiet well. "

Sorry I know that's not intended as a discussion point, but that a father doesn't want to spend time with his children is not something I'd consider 'doing quite well'. That's what Jeremy Kyle's entire show consists of...


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