h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He is extremely unlikely to look on here as he thinks I am stupidly wasting my time on here - and even if he does then I've said nothing here that I didn't say to him directly.

We do have this argument every year but it is more a symptom than the cause. Me needing a break is me not getting that much suppport for most of the year, and wanting some feeling that he values the things I do when he is mostly dismissive. Fitting work around school is unbelievably stressful - it was easy to deal with nursery in comparison and I don't feel like I am coping at all well. I genuinely think my health is suffering, and three out of every four weeks I feel as low as I did when I had PND. I am hoping that we will settle into a new routine and I'll stop feeling so stressed...but t'Boy has been at school for one week, I have had to work half days during that time while my dealine stays the same and the amount of work just gets bigger. School has written with three within-school-hours meetings which means missing even more work for the next few months, and have given a list of things we'll need to provide soon including making two costumes, providing a couple of party lunch dishes, cooking for fetes and pta things, volunteering for various jobs. I am stretched too thin, my batteries are flat, hence I've reached the point of desperation where wanting a holiday seems like the most important thing I need right now.

About once every couple of weeks I suggest we go to relate and we have a big row/discussion and at the end of it I think he thinks "well that is that sorted then" and then is all surprised when two weeks later I crack up again. I don't really want to leave him, but *something* needs to change or I am going to lose it completely.

This has been such a horrible year, it is hard to see the positives (which are there - at least t'Boy LOVES his big school) and I'm not the most rational when I feel like I am drowning.

Mina - that is one of the most upsetting things - that I feel that he doesn't like doing even fun things with the boys breaks my heart.

Oh Kelli. I thought it must be, which is why I couldn't let the comment pass by. I can't offer any advice, or support, I'm not very good at it, but I can imagine how low you must feel. Can you go to relate by yourself? I know it's not the point, but it might help.

I wasn't totally sure of how things were in the original post, so I didn't want to jump straight in with things, but what I will say is that even if J doesn't think your worries are important, you do. And *you* are important.
Sometimes I worry about stuff that Mr Vip doesn't understand or thinks is totally inconsequential, but he at least he understands that *I* think it's important and therefore worth taking seriously. It doesn't matter what the issue is, what matters it how it affects you.

You have people here who know you far better than I do, but my heart does go out to you. You have always come across to me as a caring, determined and adaptable person and I truly hope you can find a way out of this, whether it be sorting out the problems or by admitting they are insurmountable. Either way means you can stop being trapped in them.

Something else I will say; don't feel guilty about having a plan. If the time comes that you need to do something, at least you know what to do. You don't have to use it unless you need to, but it might set your mind at rest about those aspects to free up your mind for the other things you need to think about.

BoB, I hope I make sense.

(What Vip said...)

You matter, kelli, and you need to feel that.

There was a time when I felt like I was trying to fill someone's cup, but it had a hole in the bottom. All efforts felt like they just went to waste. And nobody was trying to fill mine. In the end, I felt that had to stop. I hope you find a way, your way, to feel good again.

oh Kelli, I had a little when I read that and I really really want so much to tell you something that will help. You have watched me over the years having my slow breakdown and you have helped me such a lot.

But I really don't know what to say.

So first off: contact the school and ask why the meetings have to be during work hours and see if they can at least either have them early in the morning so you can go in late or late in the afternoon so you can leave early (which amounts to a half-day probably in my experience). You could, of course, do what a friend of mine did and dump all the school stuff on her husband and turned an absolute deaf ear to all his complaints about it on the grounds that they were their children, and she already did huge amounts by cutting her hours and mostly being the one to work around school hours.

(and she kept in touch with the teacher separately and discreetly so that she was still involved but at a much lower level)

Wandrin'Star once said (or it could have been Coeleocanth) that single parents are exempt from having to cook anything for schools and can buy in. In this case, if you really can't buy in lunch dishes (and you live in the land of M&S so I'm confident you can) do it. Just don't even think about it - do it and move on. For costumes: buy them. Better still, buy them with Js credit card. Don't volunteer for any jobs. Not ever (until your children are bigger - I'm only involved in the PTA now because my daughter gos to the type of school where nobody, including most of the teachers, gives two figs. It needs people like me to kick them... your school isn't like that so let somoene else who doesn't have a stressful life like yours take the strain) of course, you can do some small things to help but think about yourself first.

You need a holiday. That's the major thing. Home isn't a holiday. So - if you feel bad about leaving your boys with J for a whole week, what about half a week? go away for the first part of your holiday and J can take responsibility for his sons - then when you've had a couple of days to recharge your batteries, why not have them over to finish the holiday with you?

Be ruthless with your time. What you and your family needs is not to have you stretched (like butter spread over too much bread) but happy and able to do the things you want and need to do.

I really wish there was something I could do or say to help. But whatever you do - don't let this feeling stretch out over the next few years.

Good advise Sho.

I've sometimes suggested to female colleagues (mothers) with very busy lives that 'well, do you have to be involved in A, B and C?'

And very often the reply has been 'But I *want to be involved!'

Yes, but maybe here and now isn't the right or best time for it, not if it leaves you all worn out. Can it wait a few years? We can't all do *everything we want, all of the time - sometimes we have to pick and choose. And leaving one or two things out might give you more energy to spend on the things you keep doing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't be everything for everyone at every time.

I wish, though, that I would have believed everyone who told me that 10 years ago, and listened to them.

Kelli, I am just now catching up on a week's worth of backlog and just read through this thread.

My heart aches for you. By no means should you take my experience into account, but so much of J's attitude I see reflected in my ex's personality.

All I can advise is that you should trust yourself to do what is right for you and your sons. J is responsible for the relationship he chooses to maintain with his family. If he chooses not to accommodate your and the boys' needs, that is his loss. You deserve better.

I'm wondering if J truly understands how strongly you feel about this kelli.

My brother had some trouble in his marriage, and it wasn't until he told his wife he was going to divorce her (and even announced it to close friends and relatives) that she took him and his worries about their relationship seriously. He felt, at the time, that he was the only one doing something to keep the relationship working.

Two years later, they are still married, so I hope they had a good, long talk about the whole thing.

Maybe J needs to be shook up a bit in a similar way to realise how you feel?