h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Or maybe thistle do the trick:
breathe deeply, and this shallot once make you well.

Neither will chlorophilatery.

...*repeatedly strikes head on oak block...*
Asprins for sale! Buy two get one free!

Really hitting home the point.

...*notices a rip in her stocking...*
Great, another home run!

Oh, be a sport.

A rip in your stocking....

Did some guy touchdown there?



Bassman

I hope you gave him a good slapping, that's really crossing the line.

Maybe it was a sacrifice play.

But I hope there was no mallets in your heart.

Perhaps time to bury the hatchet in any case.

Wouldn't it be better to bury the hatchet in the ground?
There's not mushroom in the case.

If you don't bury it soon, you'll get the axe from the boss.

But if you axe him nicely, maybe he'll forgive you.
Just don't give him a raspbury.

Or a-pear cheeky. And above all, remember: it won't get better if you picket.

It was jussss a lil' hot ash what made my stocking run.

Smoking? Yew'll never learn.

Awl of you should come to my house. We're plane-ing a big party.

So, when naming groups of items [called collective nouns], you've heard of a pride of lions, an exaltation of larks, a conspiracy of ravens and a charm of finches. ... ... How about:
a hassle of errands,
a magnum of hit-men,
a quarrel of lawyers,
a shortage of dwarves,
a sulk of teenagers,
a plunder of goons.
an encroachment of fence-builders.
a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
an embellishment of fishermen.
a treachery of spies.
a thrombosis of heart specialists.
a vagary of impediments.
a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
an assassination of gangsters.
a mixture of pharmacists.
an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
a density of meatheads.
an obfuscation of philosophers/politicians/economists.
a clutch of mechanics.
a phile of lovers.
a spider of webmasters.
a clique of computer mice.
a plurality of collectives.
an enterprise of trekkies.
a 404 of lost web pages.
a ___ of nihilists.
a brace of orthodontists.
a somephony of music critics.
a remora of lawyers. -- (look up 'remora' - it's worth it)
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What do you get when you cross a humming bird with a doorbell? ... A humdinger.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Half way.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.
I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Q: What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?
A: Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
Seminar Topic:
"Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But Were Afraid To Ask."
What is a Quark? ... The noise a well bred duck makes.
For the academics: The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.
Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?
What do you get if you cross a parakeet and a parachute? ... Null parity.
Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?
I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." - Anatole France.
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the dark.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproven assumption to a foregone conclusion.
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.
Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.
Saying "Gesundheit!" doesn't really help the common cold; but it's every bit as effective as anything the medical profession has prescribed.
An expensive circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull safe?"
The farmer replies, "He's as safe as can be; but I can't say the same for you."
If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. ... You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say. "My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."
It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.
The most important things in life aren't things.
This I have never understood:
We chop down trees but chop up wood;
We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
We run down foes, we run up bills;
We eat food up, we down a drink,
Which is a little strange, I think.
We turn down offers, turn up noses--
Just one last thought and then this closes:
We should remember, we poor clowns,
That life is full of ups and downs.
Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off making you tock!"
In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity.
However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to reassure yourself.
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
When you consider the contribution of plumbing to human life, all the other sciences fade into insignificance. -James Gorman

Now for the younger set:
What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin? ... A jock o'lantern.
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown
paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown
paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.
Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"
Two guys sitting at a bar, chatting about dogs, and trying to out-do each other:
1st guy : ''I taught my dog to read.''
2nd guy : ''I know. My dog told me that yesterday.
What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? ... chrysanthemummies.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? ... Pumpkin pi.
What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? ... Geronimoo.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? ... Hopscotch.

Here are some BY the Younger Set:
One horsepower: the energy required to drag a dead horse 550 feet in 1 second.
A molecule is so small it cannot be seen by the naked observer.
The future of "I give" is "I take."
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Define H2O and CO2: -- H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

I take NO credit for these!!!!!

Does a pun about a Mexican Hairless puppy qualify as a short shaggy dog story?
Subject: Humor: The Farmer's Tractor Collection
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

...*screams "BRAVO!!"...in a very lady-like-manner...*