h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here.
"He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all
scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink.
Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw
out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A man is walking along with his wife and suddenly feels a drop of moisture on the back of his neck. "Looks like rain," he says to his wife. His wife disagrees, saying it's a warm day and it's probably sweat. They bicker over it for a while, then they see Rudolph the Communist. "Let's ask Rudolph the Communist" says the man. The wife agrees, then asks "Hey Rudolph, my husband says that it rained on him a while back. But it's such a hot day, it can't possibly be raining!". Rudolph agrees with the man. Yes, it is rain. The wife starts to argue but her husband shushes her, saying "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

whatever you're smoking - pass it on

Two men crash landed in a desert. After walking a hundred miles, they came across a tent. "Please, you've got to give us some water!" They implored the inhabitants. The inhabitants replied that they only had jelly. Another hundred miles, another ten. This time they only had custard. So they walk another hundred miles, find a tent. What does it have in it? Whipped cream. After finding a tent with only hundreds and thousands in it, one of the men says to the other: "Don't you think this is a trifle odd?"

This is a good one:

There was a small, struggling convent that
had been reduced to one nun and a half a loaf
of bread. The attending priest went into town
to buy some Bibles, and confessed to the
Bible store clerk that he was out of money, and
could only offer the bread or the services of the
nun.

"I'll take the bread then," the clerk said after considering
the proposal for a few minutes.

"But wouldn't you rather have Sister Mary Bruce
instead? She can do your laundry and cook your meals
and look after your children."

"That may be so, but I've always reckoned that
half a loaf is better than a nun."

Where's the oak block?!?

A jelly baby is in a pub, when some mars bars come up to him and say "Hey we know you from work! How'd you like to come clubbing with us?". The jelly baby is a bit unsure, as he knows you get some real unsavoury characters in clubs. But the mars bars offer to protect him so eventually caves in. When in one of the clubs he gets a bit drunk, and accidentally spills this big green pill's drink. The green pill then proceeds to beat the stuffing out of the jelly baby. When he wakes up in hospital, the jelly baby is enraged. "Why didn't you protect me like you said you would ?" he shouts. The mars bars stutter for a bit before saying "Yeah, but not from him, he's menthol!"

Jusss when I thought you knew the difference betwen a joke and a pun. Perhaps you'd like to visit my 'Tell Me A Joke' thread<?>

...I don't mean to sound grumpy RK...it's just, after all these hours at the 'puter, I'm begining to feel a bit boxed in.

Ah, it's an elaborate story to try and get a pun in.

You could take lessons!

There's Paul H, Kes, Pierce as well as others who could groom you into quiet the a**.

Don't a lot of jokes depend on a pun
for the pun-ch line?

Yes but not many are quite that poor.

"I see," said the blind man as he picked
up his hammer and saw.

If a punch line is particularly weak,
is it advisable for the joke itself to be
rather short, then?

Or not told at all.

My vote's on short

This place has turned me into a pun-a-holic. I think I might start a re-hab center or sumthin'. What to name it...hmmm...

"Prison"

Are you sure that name isn't already taken?