h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You wanna write another one? I think a couple escaped btw, they seem to be multiplying at our school!

May 30th, 2003 - Liz Yangle becomes first casualty of Big Brother.

Since Channel 4 introduced the new "death-vote" system to boost the falling ratings of their tired Big Brother format, Liz Yangle, the token Northerner contestant was the first to be voted to death.
Liz carelessly let slip a comment about wanting to have ginger babies, which it seemed, was enough to make viewers vote for her to be pecked to death by the household chickens. Punishment was carried out at sunrise this morning, although poultry experts believe it could take hours for the chickens to reach a vital organ or inflict fatal wounds. It was later revealed to the press the Yangle had once expressed a liking for Barry Manilow. This created more calls, voting for her execution, although by this time, the lines had closed as the 99.93768% majority had already made its voice known, raising a record £5,478,467,198.32 in call revenue for Channel 4, who plan to launch a new show next season entitled "ginger hunt".

Oh, dear god. OK here goes...


May 31th, 2003

It was revealed this morning that the "token northener", Liz Yangle, had escaped certain death by poll-vaulting over the walls of the Big Brother mansion before the resisdent chickens could inflict any real damage. Since this time there have been many sightings of her, the most bizzar of which found her riding a camel in the river Themes. In can not be said whether all the witnesses were reliable.
Since her daring escape there has been a nation wide search, and public feeling towards her have turned from hostility to shere admiration.
It was later revealed by Liz Yangles closest friend that "that whole Barry Manilow thing was just a big misunderstanding".

June 2nd, 2003

Yangle sightings have increased ten-fold in the last day, since the obvious forged report (dated May '31th' - obviously the work of a semi-literate child). In spite of the note being proved a forgery, people still insist on having spotted the redoubtable Yangle at locations including the chippy, Tesco, SoHo and the Barry Manilow monument.
Yangle is due to be buried on Thursday.

Friday 5th June 2003

The buriel of Big Brother escapee and Manilow protigee Elizabeth Yangle (34) had to be postponed today after corroners were unable to find her. Yangle escaped from the Big Brother house several days ago, and an increased number of callers to Crime Watch (after the special report yesterday) have reported sightings. It is suggested she may have stayed in the London Thames area, where Barry Manilow is due to play his penultimate concert this evening. Her obsession for the facially-challenged star, it seems, has led her into some scrapes in the past, and this may be the reason she bolted from the BB house after escaping death by chickens. The Thames Valley police are looking for any information into her disappearance, as it appears Yangle is wanted for questioning in an as-yet unsolved case relating to the death of several teenaged red-haired males.

Friday 6th June 2003

The editor wishes to appologise on behalf of this newpaper for the glaring error in yesterday's edition. The date should have read 'Thursday' not 'Friday'.

Editors note: tuesday 97th August 2041

The renegade Elizabeth Yangle was yesterday finally found after over a year on the run, after her miraculous escape from the BB house. She has once again been centanced to death, this time by beheading, so there is no chance of escape.

Yangle to be killed for sure.

Escapee Big Brother convict Liz 'Elbow' Yangle is to be killed for sure later this week. Notes were dropped across the globe warning people that the planet is to be nuked from orbit in order to rid it of Yangle, beacause "it's the only way to be sure".
In case you missed the notes, please arrange to be out between 3pm and 4pm next Tuesday whilst the nuclear detonation is in progress. Anybody who persists in remaining on the planet in spite of this warning will be vapourised along with the trouble-making Big Brother contestant.

Government scam:

Measures to rid the world of ElbowYanglehave been classed as "a bit extreme" and put down to the ravings of the mad American President George W. Bush III.

Anthony Blair IV (Prime Minister of Wessex) defended plans to nuke Yangle, saying that it was completely justified... because America said so. Mr Blair refused to comment further as he was busy licking the boots of some undisclosed Texan politician.

There was uproar yesterday when it was discovered that Anthony Blair IV had missed a spot when kissing said Texan Politicians ass.

Renouned ginger-fanatic and outlaw Elbow Yangle, has once again defied law and order and escaped death by beheading because the men sentencing her, Anthony Blair IV and George Double-yuh Bush III, could not agree on the correct cause of action. Even though Blair's official line was to go along with Bush, Bush rapidly backtracked when he realised that the nuclear war he proposed to rid the Earth of Yangle would lead to the loss of his $470 million home in Los Angles, not to mention his classic car collection. Bush then decided it was better for Yangle to stay an outlaw, and that officially, he did not know anything about it. "I don't know anything about it", said Bush, "I don't know what you're talking about. Nuclear war? Is that the one with mushrooms?"

George w Bush the third was today assasinated for being, as his killer shouted just before the attack, "the stupidest man alive".

And in other news... the world is round.

Also, this just in: Christophere Columbus (recently reincarnated) is setting sale again on his cousins longboat, to make sure hois discovery was truely valid.

NEWS FLASH!

It was today discovered that the Earth, believed since the days of Columbus to be spherical in shape, is, in fact, flat as the ancient races of man predicted. This was discovered when the recently reincarnated Columbus ("Call me Chris") aimed to sail again around the world, but reaching the Pacific Ocean, his boat fell off the edge. No word yet on whether their are any survivors of this tragedy.

Breaking news:

Columbus Boat Tragedy Update.
The SS Tatinic, the vessel of Chris Columbus II(re-incarnate) has been tracked. After falling off the edge of the 'planet', or board as it is now being called, it landed some 40 light years away on Lizulon IV, planet of the Yangle species. Sadly, Columbus and crew were beaten mercilessly with Barry Manilow merchandise until they bled to death, as per the traditional Yangle custom for greeting visitors, especially considering that four of the 57 crew were gingers.

News Flash:

A vessel from the newly discovered planet of Lizulon IV has landed in the center of "The Board" and is seeking mercilessly for fans of Barry Manilow to join with them in their quest for board domination. A small cult of Yangleites has already joined the sadistic army, who fight with Barry Manilow merchandise and chickens. All gingers remaining are advised to get into hiding, or a salon.

The Times:

'Ginger Revolution' is coming, claims man aged 25.

James Redditch, a ginger haired man proclaimed yesterday 'The ginger revolution is coming! You'll all pay for your crimes!'. Redditch (25) screamed this statement as he was being chased off the cliffs of Dover by a mob of Yangleites. Redditch failed to make good on his promise, as he fell to his death 3 seconds later.

It's just wrong.