h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

dunno. you're... 23? so i suppose not. mine is lower . but even though you're claiming that your chatup lines and stuff don't work (you said that? or something similar earlier, yes? memory like a seive!) you still seem to have... ermm... 'got it'. by my standards anyway. so tell me... what do boys like?

Well, mostly boys like girls, but there are a few exceptions. Did you mean in terms of bedroom techniques, dress-sense, appearance, personality or culinary skills?

all of the above?

i think i can cope with the first bit! just getting there is the iddue. plus the fact that all the lads i know are my mates and the lad i do like isn't interested (i don't think so anyway). ergo, difficulty. having said that, at the ball, alcohol flowing etc etc it's easier. i just want to find a man worthy of my unique fabness, not just some random welsh minger. so in terms of the rest...?

Righty -

Dress sense - don't dress like a goth. There's nothing sexy about corpses. Don't be *too* revealing, show a bit of leg and cleavage by all means, but do try to leave *something* to the imagination or you will, and this is unfair, but so is life, be branded a harlot.
And don't go into overdrive on the make-up, either. A little make-up is fine, but we shouldn't be able to see inch thick chunks of it fall off when you shake your head.
The dancefloor is an excellent place for girls to pick up boys. When a boy goes up to a girl at a dancefloor, grabs her and dances close, it's sexual harrasment. For girls, it's standard technique. Don't do this to too many blokes in a short space of time (see note about not wearing much).
Use a bit of perfume, but try to make sure it can only be smelt within about 20cm of where you've sprayed it.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, don't appear to be too desperate. This kinda thing always puts me right off.

And as for the bedroom stuff, well, it's a case of each to their own. The one piece of advice I can give about this is: if you're going to be doing it outside - check for stinging nettles. one time, I ...er, nevermind.

If all else fails, get the object of your affections totally drunk.


Maybe I should start an escort agency??

Right, I missed a lot in the past day didnt I.

I dont need all that pulling business. People love me even when theyre not drunk! Its cos I'm soon to be famous. In front of 20,000 people. Beat that if you can! Barry Manalow baby!

20,000 people.

That fudging scary! argh.

I think I'll walk onstage, then fall over and have to be carried off. But itll be good practise for when I'm stadium status of my own doing

Yeah, but the people who love you are all ginger!?!

First off, Barry Manalow? No no no.

Secondly, hah! I too have got my piccies form your gig back..

Thirdly, I'm wearing a full-length but strappy dark purple velvet number. Hopefully very 'mrrrrowww!' (in appreciative cat stylee) and not 'oh my god, what is she waering?!'. Hence I'm endevouring to go on an exericse and health kick. Exercise I can do. Health is not forthcoming today - I have an essay due in in an hour... and I've had almost 300g (of which 50% was extra free!) of dairy milk since last night. i am so shameful but its worth it. My flatmates doing the slimfast thing (that me next week!!) but with much chocolate, thereby defying the purpose. She doesnt *do* exercise. But she is already thinner than me, so I cry.

Arg! Romeo Romeo RO-MAY-O!

PS please excuse my appauling spellink. I've been typing (on and off!) since last night. I haven't slept. This isn't good!

Oi! Objection. Theyre not ALL ginger. Just the vast majority... Dammit!

Anyways, got another gig at half term, maybe. That is if the evil female parental unit will let me out to practise. Come on, thse exams aren't all that important...dammit!

And yeah baby! Barry Manalow! I don't know what hes done or hat he looks like, but he is my God! Got to practise for that too at somepoint...Dammit!

Also have an entire composition to be written and rexorded for 2 weeks time, and so I waste my time on the internet...dammit!

This "Barry Manalow" that you worship....

...is he anything to do with that singer bloke, "Barry Manilow"?

That's what I said, but spelt wrong! :P

Barry 'big nose' Manilow. He wrong a song about his dog (see: Can't Hardly Wait). And my little sister's being his backing singer! I'm so proud and yet so very ashamed! I can see it... in 10 years time...

"Rock vereran Liz Yangle, who got her first break aged 17 as backing singer to Barry Manilow, wowed fans last week when she played Bognor's prestigious 'Pink' club on the start of her first solo round-Britain tour"

All that.

And ten years after that:

"Rock veteran Liz Yangle was found dead in her trailer today, having overdosed on red bull and accidently stepped into a bear-trap, which she often used as a stage prop. Liz had an awesome discography, including two gold albums, a platinum album and three double-platinum selling albums. Yet she will always be remembered most of all for her early work with Barry Manilow, in which she was a backing singer.
She leaves three sons, Ginger (aged 17) and Carrot-Top (14). She will be sadly missed."

LOL! I'm so glad to see you want me dead...

What happened to my thrid son? and also: oi! *slap*

"... There is an ongoing mystery surrounding the disapearance of 19 year old 'Big Red' Yangle, since he went missing in early 2010. It was considered that he perhaps overdosed on Pepsi Max (which, it was later discovered, had been carrying a mis-print since it's release. Pepsi have since reprinted the 'all sugar, no taste' labels) and cheeseburgers, but no bodilly evidence has ever been found. Others ponder whether he is in hiding for tax reasons. Either way, our condolences are passed onto him, wherever he is, after his mother's sad foot-loss and energy drink addiction, which led to her on-stage death..."

The Sun, October 22nd, 2043:

"Deceased rockstar Liz Yangle's estranged son, 'Big Red' (24) was discovered yesterday, working in a seedy strip-club in Swansea's fashionable 'Llaudolndchchcgochllau(spit)llnmaugollchaull(spit)chchchllaugch(cough)dollauchchcchll-y-lllw' district. Big Red, or simply 'ginger tosser', as he was known to his friends, is now known by the alias 'Liz Jnr' after dying his hair blonde and undergoing gender reassignment surgery in a desperate bid to conceal his red-head past. "If only my mother hadn't had a thing for gingers" (s)he wept. "None of this might ever have happened; I could have been normal." Big Red earns about £80 a night for doing 'adult' tricks with ping-pong balls, kittens and pineapples. She hopes one day to emigrate to the Phillipines and pursue a career as a mail-order bride."