h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Perhaps Lara needs a better fitting support or minimizer bra?

The 18-Hour Playtex?

You can't run through the jungle without it!

*the Grafenberg Hyena emerges from her lair gently cradling a narrow cardboard box in her jaws. She pads up to Ms. Croft and drops the box at her feet. Prominently displayed is a picture of a smiling woman wearing nought but her brassiere.*

Oh! Comfort straps and everything!

And what exactly do hyenas need with bras, hmm? You can't fool me with that one!

*Lara performs a series of implausably athletic moves, with various mid-air hip wiggles and flicks of pony tail, culminating in her clutching the cardboard box and sitting crosslegged in a nearby tree*

*proceeds to rip open the box (pausing momentarily to size up the girl on the cover) and reveal...*

*the box bursts open in a blaze of light. Lara is blinded by a glare stronger than that of the sun. A deafening noise rumbles through the jungle, the concussion of which knocks her out of the tree. When she regains her consciousness she is surrounded by a landscape of rocks and ice. The wind howls unceasingly. Nearby a group of penguins study her warily...*

Where the form of the hyena once stood, now Lara finds looming over her...

*Sultandude, also stalking the Grafenberg Hyhena lair, Samuri Sword with keenly honed blade in hand, stops for a splif* "Gabon is in West Africa, I am in the middle of a real jungle, The P in PHHH stands for Pattaya, as in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, one of the most notorious hashes in the world of Hashing.":-) THINKS-Oh to copulating with Princess Toy or Hermelia, or both, right now- "Oh I nearly forgot, the Halloween party has started, wanna join in?" http://www.h2g2.com/F52920?thread=84645&post=677678 8-) 8-)

Jeez, sultandude, you smoke more weed than a reggae band! And I thought I used to be bad...

*Lara finds looming over her*...

*One of those icebreaker battleships they used in the second world war. The metal is making a creaking and grinding noice, as it is heated by the engine and cooled by the ice, and the huge bladed front is smashing through the ice making a huge roaring noice - probably what woke her up*

Ooh - company - I hope they have a change of clothes - these shorts aren't made for winter weather...

*The engines of the icebreaker go silent. Lara watches as first one head, then others appear above the railings of the ship. A side door near the ice level opens up, and a figure emerges riding a snowmobile. The machine glides down a ramp just extended from the icebreaker and begins moving her way. The sound of the snowmobile reaches her ears, growing louder as the space between them closes rapidly. Lara can smell the acrid exhaust fumes. The peguins scatter away to safety. The figure becomes clearer. It is swathed head-to-toe in a banana yellow down parka and snow pants. Mirrored goggles to cut down on the polar sun's glare cover most of the face. She can see the steam from the stranger's breath rising in the frigid air.*

*Lara is dressed only in black leather hot pants and a skin-tight snakeskin vest. Her body is aching from the cold. Her nipples are rock hard. She envies the stranger their obvious comfort in this harsh no-man's land.*

*The machine comes to a stop several yards from her. The mysterious person rises from the seat, swings one leg over and dismounts. She can hear the rustling of the layers of clothing the stranger wears. She can see her reflection in the goggles. She is blue from the cold. The figure stops a yard away and removes the goggles and jacket hood in one sweeping motion. Revealed is a beautiful chestnut-haired woman. Her large brown liquid eyes are warm and inviting. Her smile is gentle and welcoming.*

Hop on and I'll take you back to the ship!

*leaps onto the snowmobile like they're going out of fashion. Slowly the heat of the engine starts to warm her feet and legs into something vaguelly resembling normality*

*placing her hands between her thighs in an effort to thaw them out, Lara turns to the beautiful stranger and says*:

Thanks, miss, miss, uhhh.... Sorry - what was your name?

*The snowmobile races across the ice and snow back towards the lurking hull of the ship*

It's Rebecca. I'm a member of the security team that guards the research party abord the icebreaker. They're exploring isolated areas along the Antarctic coast. The scientists are working on an exhaustive study of penguin sex life. Governments will fund anything these days...

They hired me because I am a cold, bloodless killer, expert in the use of every weapon known to mankind. When I'm not slaughtering people I like to garden.

*The snowmobile glides up the ramp and into the glare of the halogen lights that are suspended from the ceiling of the cargo hold. The snowmobile comes to a stop before a group of professorial-looking individuals*

Welcome aboard! Do you want to take a hot shower and get into some warm clothes?

*Lara self-consciously covers her frost-affected nipples in front of the group*

Why thank you Rebecca I can't think of anything nicer - I'm sure you know this, but it's feezing out there!

So tell me - do you meet many security threats out here in the Antarctic?

Well, you know those sex-starved penguins can be pretty nasty. Yesterday one pecked the eyes out of one of the researchers, Dr. Dick Booger, in a mad avian hormonal frenzy of lust. So, I have to carry one of these...

*pulls out a grenade launcher from her parka*

You can't leave the ship without it!

Now why don't you take your clothes off?

hey how do you make those little smileys?

Oh, bother. Go to the Don't Panic FAQ and look it up yourself. It's high time you learned how to use this site, dear.

um thats too much work

Go away! You're interrupting the flow of the story.

Blow a big Bronx raspberry on yourself you blooch!

blooch, huh? just for that i will keep on keeping on...how do you like THAT oh great fraulein?? (icon representing an angry out-for-revenge-type look)
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i will even reply to my own postings! (the AHA icon)
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*aims grenade launcher filled with potato pancakes and traveller breakfasts at 42*

*pow!!!...splooch*

*42 is covered head-to-toe in Finnegan's finest*

*plus come hot chocolate on her crotch*

Sorry, Luce, this is all inside jokes. The explanation won't be funny to anyone else but the two of us. That's the way our stories go.

oh REALLY? Ya think you can get rid of me so easily? i failed to mention that moving to the state of Tah-ute has made me immune to such finneganean attrocities! may the punishment you so heartily impose be felt by thee!
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am i cool yet?

i feel compelled to respond to myself. its unstoppable now