h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*the oldtimer's lap becomes less comfortable and more bumpy*

I'm open to suggestions... or perhaps you'd prefer to see my six-shooter?

*Sultandude feeling like a spare dick at a wedding, and still in Kabuki Man mode, flies out of the window in pursuit of the Infected Bladder Gang, uttering his famous exit sentence*

"I'll be back!"

*the spittle-pocked walls of the saloon fall away, revealing a pastoral view, rich, lush, and green with an imposing manor house rising from the end of a gravel drive*

*Bertie Wooster ambles up, followed by his gentelman's gentleman, Jeeves*

What ho! Anyone for a game of golf or cricket?

The Grafenberg Kid jumps up from the startled Nameless Oldtimer's lap and transforms into an apple-cheeked English beauty in tweed golfing attire.

I say, old chap...how about a romp through Merry Old England?

*the nameless oldtimer metamorphoses wildly, before settling on the form of Geri Halliwell, in her Union Jack dress*

Can we just stick to a romp?

*A thick fog engulfs the Golfing Maid, moving slowly across the landscape and her form*

*low, throaty growls are heard echoing throughout the park*

*out of the mist emerges a silverbacked male gorilla*

Fancy this, Spice Girl?

Oh my God...

*a roar of anger is heard echoing throughout the jungles of Sussex*

*the ape picks up Ms. Halliwell and carries her off into the trees so they can have a little privacy*

*Kabuki Man returns, having deposited The Infected Bladder Gang in the pokey, only to find himself in a scene of pastoral beauty with a silver backed gorilla trying to bonk the brains out of Ginger Spice*

THINKS-This is a pretty wierd space, always attemting the impossible-

To be fair, spice girls have very little brains to bonk out...

*concentrates on holding onto her gorilla's fur so she doesn't fall out of the trees*

"Yo lucinda! That's what I meant by atteming the impossible. Should have read attempting the impossible."

THINKS-A bit slow on the uptake this lad but has a great imagination-

"A couple of things in common, same last name, I hope it wasn't me. And I also enjoy hashing with PH3 especially the DIRT RUN."

I thought you were referring to there being a silver-backed gorilla in Sussex...

"Plenty of them here in Gabon, sightings here are fairly regular, as are elephants, and other forms of jungle life. Think I got it wrong a bout the Hash House Harriers though!"

I'm just trying to guess what the P is for in PHHH - but not knowing the local town names of Gabon doesn't help...

"Hi, I'm Joe 12 of Cambridge H3... on-on"

What the Hell is this? Get to know your English locales? Let's can it on the inside Brit jokes, gentlemen.

I never said I was ravishing Ms. Halliwell, I just carried her off into the jungle. I was planning on handing her over to the nearest hyena for its dinner. Everybody loves a little spice in their life!

I thought Gabon was a Banana Republic in Africa.

So did I come to that. Don't see many elephants in the UK...

*Geri is unaware of her fate, and starts giving the gorilla a massage with her free hand*

Uhhh...what's her other hand doing, exactly?

*the gorilla grunts softly as he carries her warm body through the dark, fetid jungle. She cooes in his ear and strokes the large muscles bulging beneath his rank coarse fur. Ahead a canid form emerges from the trees. The smell of rotting flesh is exuded from its gaping mouth. It's eyes glow yellowly in the dim light. In the trees, the birds have stopped calling and a eerie silence decends upon the scene. The silverback lowers the aroused Spice Girl to the forest floor. The hyena moves forward in a blur of speed, picks up the now squealing Geri Halliwell in his massive jaws, and dashes into the jungle. The terrified screams of Ginger Spice echoes in the ape's ears....*

{holding onto his fur so he doesn't drop her, of course...}

*continues screaming as the hyena continues dashing recklessly through the jungle*
*pauses for breath*
*continues screaming*

The designer who made this dress is /never/ going to believe me...

*the hyena begins to close his jaws together on his writhing victim, crushing her larynx in order to quiet the ear-shattering screams that sound not unlike any of the recording sessions Ginger has participated in*

*after a few seconds only a gurgling noise is heard from the limp form in the hyena's mouth*

The Grafenberg Hyena is a rare and bloodthirsty beast, found only in the frozen wastes of the Northern Rockies. The female of the species takes her victims back to her lair to feed her young. She kills the victim by ripping out their throat. While the body is still warm, she disembowels the corpse with her powerful forepaws and razor-sharp claws. She then feeds the steaming entrails to her hungry pups and devours the tender flesh herself.

Satiated, she curls up on her bed of skins, fur, bones, leaves, and branches. Her young blindly wriggle up to her teats and drink deeply of the sweet milk she produces. Together they fall into a deep slumber, warmed by the blood of Ginger Spice...

*disembodied* Gosh. You *really* don't like the spice girls...

*reincarnates as Lara Croft, with anti-gorilla shotgun*

*stalks through the jungle looking for hyenas to kill*

*after a short interlude, realises that her impossibly large breasts are giving her back-ache - a problem not encountered in the world of PCs and acne-faced teenagers*