h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*checks cards casually, places them face down again*
I'll see your boot, and raise you a leather glove.
How many cards do you want, or are you going to stand?

I'll swap these two then.

*Lucinda puts them over to one side and draws a couple of replacements*
*a smile plays over her face*

I'll see your glove with my surgeons gloves, and raise you the hat and skirt...

Fine. Dealer takes one.
*Miss G.'s slender fingers pick the top card off the deck, she glances at it coolly and places it on top of the cards neatly fanned out before her*
I'll see your gloves, hat, and skirt, and raise you my tam, earmuffs, and goggles.

Hmm...

*Lucinda decides to wimp out*

I'll just see your tam, muffs, and goggles with my headphones, shades, and armband, then.

*curses herself for being chicken*

*guffaws mightily and makes the appropriate chicken noises while dancing around the table*

Read them and weep, chicken boy.
*the Fraulein turns over her hand, revealing the Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and Ten of Hearts*

Let's see what you've got. And what you'll have to remove!

I'm playing for the long game...

*turns over her cards, revealing Aces of Clubs, Spades, and Diamonds, Two of Clubs, and Five of Hearts*

oh dear...

What's that hand called? You should know in virtual poker I will cheat...

Your deal, Luce.

By the way, I took a stroll over to your personal space. If you're into astrology (which I'm not) you should know I'm a Pisces too. March 3, 1971 as a matter of fact. to you!

So if that tidbit of information helps you understand my devious little mind...

I'm not into astrology really - but I was running out of vaguelly interesting things to say... Mines Feb 20th '79, which I like to reiterate in the hope that some rich internet person will see and send me a car for my birthday...

It's a full house - I think. That's what it's called in poker dice, anyway...
Right, so what am I down... one boot, surgeons gloves, hat, skirt, headphones, shades, and armband... not a good start...

*slowly takes off the relevant items*
*decides not to go walking anywhere until she loses the other boot*
*on the plus side, there's no need to concentrate on keeping her legs crossed*

*deals out another five cards each. She'd cut 42 in, but she doesn't know if he wants to play*

your turn, dear frau

I don't know dice from a hole in the ground, but in poker a Full House is two of a kind and three of a kind. For those on the sidelines, an example would be two kings and three nines.

And you don't want 42 in on this--she doesn't know how to play. Hey! Wait a minute, maybe so... I really don't know if that bum is lurking around.

*looks briefly at cards*

Three please, Lulu. Good luck on the new car. I just hit up my family and friends for exciting birthday boodle.

I meant three of a kind - I changed my mind over what cards I'd have at the last moment...

I think you need to have an opening bid to swap cards, though...
*trys to look knowledgeable*
*fails*

No, you need to have a hand to bid. You must be thinking of Baccarat again, dear.

*Lucinda hands the Fraulein three cards, in exchange for her rejects. She glances at them, frowns in concentration, and looks back at Lucinda*

I'll bet my hiking boots, wool scarf, and tweed jacket.

probably... dealer swaps three...

*fiddles appropriately, looks at miss graf's face, which is blank, and back at her cards. Orders another round from the wild west saloon bar that's miraculously replaced the smouldering remains of the harem*

I'll see you with my rings, and the other boot, and raise you my necklace, cravatte, contact lenses, and trenchcoat.

*ignores stares from the harem guys, who are now kitted out with cowboy gear, sixshooters, and those whips they used to control cows*

you are getting sleeeeeeeeepy, sleeeeeeeeepy....now watch the swaying pocket watch.....when i count to three, BOOOO you are a chicken
one, two, THREE

did it work? are you a chicken?

you oughta say who such things are directed at... but I'll assume it was miss graf, since I'm feeling very unchickenish...

Cluck off chicken before I chop your head off.

*Orders a shot of rotgut and sarsaparilla from the bespectacled and begrimed bartender, askes the Professor to play another jig on the piano, and glances at the saloon doors to see if any other varmints have moseyed in...fiddles under table, draws out highly polished Colt revolver and shoots that stinkin' rascal 42 right between her beady little eyes. Putting her peacemaker back in its hand-tooled holster, the Grafenberg Kid inspects her hand*

I'll see you, and raise you my cotton socks, wool socks, and charcoal-grey Irish fisherman's sweater...and oh! what's this? A ten-gallon cowboy hat has suddenly appeared atop my head. I'll bet that too, Lucinda. Or should I say Wild Martin Hickok?

Neither - I'll be the oldtimer who nobody knows the name of...

*pauses a moment to shoot the rustler who was after his horse through the window*

Right, Kid, I'll be seein' ya, and raisin' ya my poloneck, belt, Tshirt {which now reads "It's not the size of your hat, it's what you do with it that counts"}, and vest.

*grabs his drink as it wings it's way down the bar, and downs it, not taking his eyes off the kid*

Hmmmm...
*strokes handle of gun in a thoughful way*

Okay pardner, I sees 'ya and raises 'ya my turtleneck, skirt, and leggings.

*just then a snotty little kid rushes into the Broken Bull Saloon and announces in a high-pitched voice:*

The bank's just been robbed by the Bladder Infection Gang! Sherriff Stinkwater wants to round up a posse to go after them!

*the Broken Bull empties out dramatically as would-be desperado-catchers run for their "hosses". All that is heard is the sound of the crystals on the chandeliers tinkling forlonly and the ghostly echo of "Waltzing Matilda" on the upright piano*

*The Grafenberg Kid rises out of her chair, flings herself across the table, scattering cards and spilling sarsaparilla, and kisses the nameless oldtimer passionately*

Show me your cards!

*drops his cards on the table*

That's 4 aces and a joker...

*decides to ignore cards and concentrate on kissing the kid*

*disengages from nuclear-powered lip lock and fumbles for cards amongst the sticky remains of the drinks*

Sheeeit, just three queens, a the two of diamonds, and the jack of spades.

*removes boots, socks, leggings, skirt, jacket, and cowboy hat*

*settles comfortably into the oldtimer's lap*

What should we play now, pardner? Or do you want to go all the way?