h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

{trips over Big E's outstretched feet as she meanders back to her seat, almost, but not quite, spilling her cocktail} Seem to keep stumbling over you everywhere, don't I honey?

God knew that only some of the people could be conned into handing over their tithe without the threat of violence, so he created the concepts of Heaven and Hell. Heaven was to be the final reward for those who had successfully turned their backs to the temptation of earthly pleasures, and hell was the dungeon for those who didn't. The clincher was that there would be no proof of either until after death, so nobody could discover the hoax and come after his ministers with harmful intent. A leap of faith was the downpayment on that final resort in the sky, and a wavering of that faith would risk plunging them into Hell if death were to occur while not in a state of grace.

Now, Heaven and Hell really DO exist. God is not a complete scoundrel, he kept his end of the bargain. But humans are restricted from the areas which we immortals frequent. As he told his henchmen, "fellas, there's another sucker born every minute. Trust me, I programmed them that way." They conveniently left that little gem out of the Bible, didn't they?

The bugger is, they didn't think of the ramifications of an eternal afterlife where consciousness tends to be more of a curse than a gift. Heaven is a place where ALL needs are automatically taken care of and NO challenges are available. It is an essential component of human beings to meddle with their surroundings in order to better their situation. In Heaven that is not possible. It is, after all, Heaven. And the poor sods there can't get sick and die. They can't start a little war to liven things up, or even an argument, because it is a place of eternal peace. It is pointless to try to create anything, as all their needs are miraculously met. They have been blessed with a state of eternal, stultifying boredom. And no hope of escape.

Hell, on the other hand, is teeming with interesting people, squabbling and trying to avoid the imps' pitchforks and sulferous pits, climbing over each other to get out of the messes they find themselves in. In fact, it is very much like Miami, except the beaches are too hot to walk on so the can't reach the ocean, and there is no A.C. At least they have the comfort of their memories of life on earth--the wine, the women (or men--or both), the song... When the inhabitants of hell die (which happens pretty regularily, even more often than in Miami), they are recycled back onto the earth with no memory of their former life, to begin the whole process again. Another one born every minute...

{looking at her watch} oops--I'm running late. Have a little accordion set to play at the Baccus Bar. Anyone care to join me?

Shure I need to get drunk for a bit any way.
you couldent do me a faver and.... oh no it desent matter you would not be alloude I gess
*Sigh. follers her out the room*

As someone once said, ask and ye shall receive, honey.

It eather involvs moving liverpool next to clethorps or making it october. eather way I am shure he would be a little anoyed if you started desrtoying his cerfally planned geography now...it was planed wasent it?

Let's see what I can come up with. Hummmmmmm...if you give me about 10 days I can arrange for it to be October. {takes him by the arm and packs him into her limo for a ride to the bar} Let's get a fresh cocktail and discuss the details.

*Grins*
Wow its good to know ppl in high places

Although being a Saint is pretty good
Particularly when you know the big guy's mother. Got any photo albums around here?
*casually produces a bottle of gin- this is in no way a bribe...*

Why not bribs work althogh I usaly try endless love and admeration first

As a matter of fact, I have been working on a family portrait. But it's been slow going, as my omniscience doesn't seem to extend to working with the computer, and am finding Photoshop a bit of a challenge since I don't read directions. *sigh* So many layers, so little time....

Please let us know when you finish!

If you dont mind me saying I have a friend called vince who just loves to play arround with stuff like that. he would get it working for you if you like although he has buggerd off somwhere and negleted to tell me his girl friend or his Boss where he has gon he still comes on line to any me for a bit I will tell him to drop by.

{kisses Bob on the forehead} thanks, Sweetie! Any help I can get will be greatly appreciated. As a matter of fact, I have a much bigger project in mind, too, which will require a lot of assistance, if anyone is interested...

Shure just give me a week or two to finish sorting out the updates to my begging sites for jenny then I will happy to help.

Mike dont do that you arnt that good any way
he asked I came what do you need?

Nice high opinyan of me there

You guys really are just the best of friends, aren't you?

AHEM! {striking her glass 3 times with a silver swizzle stick} Just wanted to thank everyone for being here with me this evening, and to let you know about a little project I have in mind. I am currently recruiting volunteers for the Thunderpussy venture, which is what got me really serious about becoming computerized to begin with. If you are interested, or know anyone who would like to help, as I am a cybermoron, please check out my 2nd journal entry "LET THERE BE LIGHT" where I will develop it further, as it will confuse the flow here. Now, let's open a few magnums of Dom and drink a toast to Magnolia Thunderpussy! {sound of corks apopping} OOooh I do LOVE the tiny bubbles... here, have some hors d'oeuvres

No No dont say that they have nertuing a mocke hatred for eachother for the past seven years.
It gives us no end of fun laughing at them.

Kate thats not you is it (that is a bit of a stupid question really) and any way you know the minet Mike and I show how much we actually like eachother the world will end.

No it wont I just can think of nothing nice to say bout you bauldy.