h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi there! I noticed that you were new here, and thought I'd stop by and say hello. It's always great to meet new people on the guide, so I'd love to chat. If you have any questions, concerns, or are just feeling lonely, hit the "Reply" button.

Now, since I know God the researcher, I've got to wonder: have you got any embarassing stories about him as a young deity? They'd be great to keep on file for later.

In case you are having some trouble getting settled in, here are some links you should visit:

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A214796

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Guardian Angel New Users Page
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A352667

So, you want the dirt on God, eh. He really HATES it when I tell tales of him as a wee un, before he took up showbiz and snookered the poor fools he created into thinking he was a SOMEBODY with a little clout, a little power, some influence on their destiny (of course, he is a bright lad, takes after his momma there--did remember to throw in the clause about God helping those who help themselves--saved himself a lot of effort, didn't he!) Every time I start to wax nostalgic he threatens to have me declared incompetent and put me in an old folks home where they'll force me to watch Oprah all day and feed me Cheetos and pureed peas. Remember, Sonny Boy, GOD is LOVE--you wouldn't want that kind of thing to get around now, would you? It would ruin your reputation.

Well, when he was a lad, he didn't have just one name. I called him little Peetie God, because it took him eons to potty train. Of course, he had to create the potty first, but that is no excuse. Initially he leaked all over, like all babies do, and the results of his leakage became the suns, the planets, the other celestial bodies. The milky way happened when he got into a jar of jalapenos...what a s**t fiesta that was! Then, like all children, he had to play with his messes, stick his fingers in it, smear it around. Doing that he created life on earth. For those primitives out there who believe that God made them from dirt, well, it wasn't dirt he was playing with. We've all seen some of his little experiments gone awry--ostriches, aardvarks, the people who go on the Jerry Springer show, but overall he did make an amusing toy to play with.

In his adolescence he decided to get rid of the little Peetie part of his name and go by just God. He realized that it would be easier for his creations to remember (they aren't always too swift) and also that it had more impact. Madonna and Cher had the same idea, and guess what! It worked for them too! So, being the indulgent momma that I am, I indulged his little whim.

Oops! It's cocktail hour at the Restaraunt at the End of the Universe, and I have a date with some sweet young lads in loincloths who want to feed me butter-dipped crab meat drizzled with lime (my favorite!) and nibble my tootsies, so I've gotta skeedaddle. Au revoir!

Hey, Big E!

Some of my friends want me to continue the saga of lil Peetie God. Should I do this here, or will these conversations eventually evaporate or spontaneously combust, or something? Would it be better to move it to my journal? Will wait to hear from my local sage before I generate more nonsense. Thanks!

Everything you seen in the Guide is permanent, or at least it doesn't disappear on it's own. This conversation WILL not disappear unless you do, or the powers that be decide to remove it.

Wow I never new so much about GOD facinating, I wonder how his teen years were!

All righty, then. I have my well padded tushie comfortably ensconced in a well padded seat, and am about ready to continue the saga of lil Peetie God. Oh, Bob, honey--bring me another cocktail while you're at the bar......ahem (dignified scowl on my fez).

Well, as a teen, God was not at his most charming, to say the least. I assume you've all read the Old Testament, so you are aware of what an egotistical and selfish little son of a MOG he was. Many young humans pull the wings off flies, the legs off a daddy-long-legs, feed alka seltzer to seagulls, stick lighted firecrackers up a frogs arse at some point or another in their lives. Well, remember, God created Man in his own image. So he messsed with poor sods like Job, just because he could (and because Job was too much of a wussy to stand up for his rights and say CUT IT OUT, GOD! This is a load of crap, and I'm just NOT gonna play with your loaded dice any more!{hence the game of craps}[how many bracket's can one include in a sentence and still be correct? let's call on the punctuation dude and find out]) and made people sacrifice lambs which could have been put to much more practical use as brunch.

When I discovered what nasty little games he was up to I grounded him. He wasn't allowed any contact with his creations for some time, which might have been a big mistake on my part, because he had time to plot....and seethe. I know better than to spank him, now, because things like antimatter result from his tears. It's not a bad thing (or antithing) in itself, but it gives far too many physicists a reputable profession who would be much better employed as bartenders. They tend to have a talent for making sense out of nonsense, and rationalizing the irrational. Speaking of which--Garcon!!!!

So, in his period of banishment from torturing the human race, he came up with a really diabolical plan. He created the bipolar concepts of GOOD and Evil, which are really only the opposing sides of a two dimensional entity. Imagine a credit card--on the GOOD side you can buy lots of frivolous pretties, like Italian designer shoes... and enjoy the hell out of them....happy feets! But on the EVIL side, you have to pay the debt...or go into debtor's prison, where the coture is definitely not haute. And if you prefer to declare bankruptcy and escape the consequences of your deeds, society as a whole has to pay the bill. And it tends to sour on that, so a few good guys (read SUCKERS) get stuck with the debts, while the slick fellas (read POLITICIANS) jump up on their soapboxes and drive the responsible, GODfearing masses into a frenzy. And the politicians are very skilled at diverting the attention of the masses toward emotionally charged issues while succesfully diverting from the real responsibilities of government, so they can spend the money (read TAXES) in any way they see fit. The unfortunate part of all this is that the even vaster majority decides they have no input or patience with the matter, and chose to bow out and have another cocktail. Garcon... *hic*

AAAHhhhhhh. Do love a fizzy drink....

Waxing philosophical again. I guess I know when to give it a rest (would that be about a paragraph or two ago??) no matter....Sleepy time, y'all. Wake me up for the mimosas.........ZZZzzzzzzzz

interesting....



due continue when ever you are ready.

Nope--don't worry. I won't type under the influence again. But just a reminder, since I had a moment of inspiration....Heaven and Hell, the other Gods, especially Loki, and lawers. Also Puff(the magic dragon), the elf, and the circus clown drove into town in a VW Bug. Now it's immortalized...G'nite.

Was that aimed at me?
Well if it wasent you can have two
*puts down cocktail*
Nice story givs lots of missed out background. You should make it in to a book

Has your daughter been arround recantly I have not talked to her in a few days?

Howdy, Bob!
Yes, that was aimed at you. Bullseye!

I have been thinking about accumulating the God gossip in one place--seems I have been flying around in here, splattering other people's conversations, like a pelican who ate a bad fish... Do you know of a way I can do that, short of typing the whole mess again? Is there some sort of copy/paste I can use that I am unaware of, seeing as I don't read the directions?

Not sure what's up with the daughter--saw her this weekend (she sold me her extra monitor when I was temporarily blinded, Thank you, Honey! it's good to be back!) and she was pretty testy. Haven't talked to her since. ICQ her and cheer her up. Or send her a virtual cocktail. Salut!

Yes my mistress

SOooooo Embarrassed...

- Simply, Embarrassed.

*Laughs, looks at the top of the thread, realizes he started this, and flies away.*

Howdy, Big E! I was on the phone when you popped by. Yep, you inspired this whole shebang. And I'm having a ball! Thanks!

Sorry I disappeared for a while, but I just moved, and it took a while longer to get my Internet connection back up than I expected.

It's a terrible thing when our mundane lives interrupt our real missions. Hate it when that happens! Anyway, hope the new palace is truly celestial, and that your plumbing is eternally problem-free. Since I have been functioning as an unofficial welcoming committee, let me drop off this fruit basket as a token of my esteem.

*giggles gently at the backlog, and reserves an extra special wicked grin for GOD- once she has consumed enough of Ras' cocktails...*

*considers posting a link to this forum in heaven, but decides better of it...until he too gets some of Ras' cocktails... *

{easing into her chaise lounge, the feathers ruffling lightly in the breeze} It's so nice to have the family here, and their friends too. While you're at the bar, would somebody bring me a cocktail?

Now it's no secret to those of us in the room that God has his foibles, although he has matured considerably with age and experience. He still has a good bit of work to do in the area of humility, and as a good mama should, I'm going to help him in that area. Don't get upset, Peetie honey. Think of this an an intervention meeting, people who love you and want to help you. Someone lock the door, please.

Now where was I? Oh yes--history. Does anyone here know the real story behind the Christian religion? God's ego demanded an awefilled worshipping audience. Like any teenager, unconditional love was not enough for him. He wanted material proof. His colossal ego would not be satisfied with 6 pairs of the trendiest tennies or a new stereo, or his very own phone line. He wanted fancy places of worship while his creatures lived in hovels. He wanted them to sacrifice their best lambs, while they subsisted on bread and water and the ocasional .

So he searched amongst his people and found the most self-serving of the lot. He explained to them that, if they became his earthly enforcers, they would have riches and pleasures beyond their wildest dreams. The deal was this: he'd lay down the law about the 10 percent tithe, and they would build the churches, terrorize the masses, and manage the cash flow. It was a brilliant scheme, {patting God on the head} because as he set it up for them, they could benefit the most from it while he achieved his ends. As leaders of the people they HAD to live in the finest houses and be able to entertain properly, in order to maintain their influence with the infidels. The trick was to make it appear that they would much rather live out their lives in a cave, undistracted by mundane matters so they could pursue spiritual enlightenment. But, as they were summoned to do God's bidding, they would put up with the inconvenience of wealth and comfort while trying not to complain. And they could use their influence in any way they pleased, and commit all the sins they wanted, as long as they didn't get caught. An angry congregation who had been depriving themselves for the ministers of the faith to line their pockets with would tear them to shreds, unless they had been properly emotionally castrated. God cautioned them to commit the occasional random act of kindness, and display charity once in a while, so nobody would doubt that their actions were for the wellbeing of all.

All that talk makes a MOG thirsty. Back in a minute {making her way to the bar}