h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(likes the look of 'occasional table' in the corner..but decides it's too twee with the petunia, removes petunia and replaces with large samurai sword, given to the thread by a very good friend..., balanced agin the wall, point on the...erm.. table...

stands back... )


yeah. much better.. .... can anyone else hear that hi pitched screeching or is it just my tinitus???

Hmmm, well it rings a bell with me Aye Bee Sama

(bows low, 2 large melons fall out of blouse, much embarassment and guffawing)

(Removes sword from position of discomfort under right ear)

"Hmmm...made in Taiwan by the Wolf Ninja company...."

(examines blade of high quality plastic purchased from Woolworths from the Little Samurai range)

"Honoured ancestor, I bow to you..."

(prostrates self before framed photo of FW Woolworth)

"Is that petunias I smell...?"

Petunia's what?

Petunia's melons.

They were stolen by pirates and...hang on...

I've just figured out, Pirate Wench is a thieving pirate. That 20 minutes I wasted in the market buying the Juniour PI badge was worth it after all.

I've learned form the best!

(bows with sword to honoured photo of Steve/John/Jack/Wolf taken from the pages of Gobsh*te Monthly).

Ahhhhh the penny/cent/yen/shekel (delete coinage not applicable to your current location Mishter Bond) has finally dropped.

Yes Aye Bee is a thieving Pirate, with a first class honors degree in Pirat Wenchng in fact and the ability to repel boarders uncanny in one of her young years (she's gone, send me a Ninja I'm being held captive byAye B...) like you would not believe.

Aye Bee is alright in my book! (help meeeeeee)

Message received, sah!

I don't have a real ninja, just a fake one called Steve Jack John Alpha Wolf (catchy). He's ginger.

A ginger ninja.

If anyone can help you out of this mess, it will be him...or he won't but he'll claim he did and tell you about it enough times that you will believe him.

if oi foinds out youse haaaarrrr talkin bout me ahind moi baaak....

all lies .. lies.. i'm keepin nobody captive, dont listen to 'im, that dai...he'll say anyfin if there's a parma ham and brie ciabatta and a choca mocca latta frappee crappy drink in it for 'im..
posh git


and anyways, aye be petunia. . they're my melons, never stole nuffin

tell moi frend oi will
ginga ninga


'eeel sort youse out, mark moi wurds

Ooooh allo flower (whispers "she is keeping me prisoner honest") can I say the Italian Peasent girl outfit is a bit of a change from your normal evening attire?

What have you there? Aparma ham and brie ciabatta and a choca mocca latta frappee, my favourite.......

(folds arms and taps foot, pursed 'hens hole' mouth)

wot 'ave oi told yer???

you spreadin rumours bout me agin..just cos aye's more qualified 'n you .. you just cant let it lie.. every toime i gets me foot in the door, you.. you're there behind me sniggerin..

well aye've 'ad enuff

this time i means it.. i'll do the custard pie thing and ruin your new armani.. nothing stains loike custard u know

so button it or i'll put you in my dalmation .. scurvy dog

This pirating sounds like a wheeze.

Now, since I have the credentials (wooden leg from football injury, hook from incident with bottle opener, eyepatch from incident with hook) do I need a special licence?

I mean, I can nip down to the market if I have to.

Just let me know.

PS Do I need scurvy or can I just rent it?

Our local market has a lovely variety of scurvy on sale this week. Special discount packages for anyone who can prove they've been in 12 or more military incursions ...

you need a M.A. in piratology to be proper qualified loike...

but you can probably buy that for 2 bob down the market.

the modules usually covered are:

-101 things to do wi a cutlass
-economics
-101 things to do wi a deck hand wen yer bored on the 'aye' seas
-anatomy and physiology
-pirate law (only one or 2 of them. shoot afore yer shot yerself (or 'ack their 'eds off), and i cant remember the other one)
-20 things to do with the ships cat when, again yer on the 'aye' seas, and you've just run out of grog and there's no food left
-plank walkin as an artform
-how to use the word 'haaarrrrrr' to express 10 different emotions

and last but not least - easy ways to catch scurvy (yes it is required, but you learn to live with it after a while. quick hint, one of the easiest ways is to get a qualified pirate (or pirate wench) to 'haaawwwww' on yer.. that should set ya right

good luck

I gots me a genu-swine synthetically natural rubbery latex-like eye-patch and a 10-credit note from the Canuck Royal Academy of Pirateology (C.R.A.P.) And a peg-leg I can borrow anytime I need to from an reputeable friend. And I can spell the names of lots of undistinguished countries that may or may not have been in turmoil. And may or may not have needed the the services of Super Secret Agent 003.5

Does any of this grant me a few credits?

i think it might.
you need a lot, dont apply on a monday. Pirates are not at their best and the institute usually goes on the raz on a sunday..

leave it till bout tuesday afternoon to drop in your application and you should be ok... (slip in a tenner and a gallon of rum, always sweetens 'em)
other stuff you should consider..

can you drink a gallon o grog and stay standing?
can you look fiendishly handsome in one of those twirly moustaches?
can you make origami swans?
do you know any good ways to pass the time on the aye seas?
can you cook?
do you own anything pink? (this is one of the trick questions, if you say yes you're out on yer ear)
do those baggy troos look good on yer? ... have yer got good calves?.. can you wear stripey knee socks with aplomb???

Awrighty then, I'll try to answer as it goes, ...

Leavin' Mondays by the dock-yard is foin by me. Hate the dastasrdly things and t'ink they or't to be out-lawed ...

With e'now sea-salt in me britches, I can take on TWO gallons of grog (imperial, not that pansy-arsed 120-ounce U.S. thingie)

On the high-seas, I have been known to pass origame swans, (please don't ask)

And them thar salt-stiffed troos may 'av been pink once, but they's well bleached out now, shrunk well up to the knees, and them calf-t'ings is proper clad in right-high stripey socks. I's a good lad, I tell ya !!!

Pirate Wench,

By dalmation of the the good people of Christendom, you are hereby ordered to surrender your prisoners, free your melons and prepare to be boarded (for inspection purposes) by Rev. Nick (who may or may not be me and, indeed, yourself).

Fail to do so, then by gum I shall release the very cream of the Special Forces on you. That's right, the Undisclosed Regiment. They are feared throughout the land. Well, not so much feared as unheard of, but still...comply or face the consequences.

There, a proper dalmation with lies and threats and everything.
God, that feels familiar...

hmmmmm


i smell a rat.

oh.. look..dead rat over there.. that solves that one!

yew'll nevur takes me aloive.. nevur i say..
that dalmation dont scare me... me?
you can bring on yer pansy special forces.. i've probably bedded most of em... nobody fergets aye be in a hurry,, (snigger, not tellin yer why)

go orn then... do yer worst..

see if i care..

How dare you besmirch the name of the Undisclosed Regiment. They have fought in the finest campaigns ever invented.

Do you not remember Rwanda? Bexhill On Sea? Neptune?

All great battle honours. Probably with medals and stuff.

(Begins unfreezing the suspended animation chamber marked "Steve"- Use only in event of truth")

You're for it now!

Hmmm...anyone got any matches?