Journal Entries
Limbo
Posted Jul 4, 2001
I've complained quite openly here about my ex. I remain angry and frustrated with him, though I'm determined to be civil. I live in my own apartment now, and I've finally saved enough to get my own car. This will sever the last compulsory reason for us to see each other on a personal basis.
He and I also worked in the same department of the same company. This tiny department will be dissolved over the next couple of months, giving me a valid reason to find a place somewhere in the company where he isn't. He's been in training elsewhere for weeks, and I go to do the same after he returns. It's just possible we won't work together again.
Just at the point where I'm feeling my head is well and truly above water, he goes on vacation. He's visiting New Jersey and New York for a week and a half. It's a family reunion plus a fun trip for him. I'm taking care of his cat while he's gone.
Well, the most annoying peculiar and annoying thing has happened. I miss the lout. 
I'm not sure whether I'm exhibiting romanticism, codependence, or just plain bad judgment. If I could put this feeling into some sort of context, I would probably feel better about it. But I just can't. It's fathomless.
As far as I can tell, Joe is the same guy he was a couple of months ago when I deeply wished I could leave and never see him again. There are a few cosmetic changes I can detect, but not much more. So what's going on?
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Latest reply: Jul 4, 2001
Exams Over. Hurrah!
Posted Jun 8, 2001
My exams went fine. I'm worried about not getting an 'A' in one course, but it could just be my imagination. And anyway, I recognize this for the sort of piddling worry it really is. Life will go on in any case, eh?
Meanwhile, the British election is over it seems. And yes, in retrospect, I'm so very glad that nobody can accuse h2g2 or the BBC of influencing that particular foregone conclusion. It really is a load off my mind. 
I've decorated my apartment a bit. I have 'Starry Night' and Waterhouse's 'Hylas and the Nymphs' on prominent display. My windows are surrounded by flowing ivory fabric. And my computer is working! Glory be!
All in all, life is looking up. Now I have summer to look forward to. With any luck, I'll contribute some fun entries to h2g2 with my newly discovered spare time. And thank goodness, I can return to my regular habit of luxurious bubble baths.
Ahhhhh......
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Latest reply: Jun 8, 2001
Exams. Erck.
Posted May 21, 2001
Working full-time while attending a private University is tough work. These days, I'm really feeling the crunch. My courses are done in a couple of weeks. And I'm a bit behind in my Flash course, due to some persistent problems in recording music for my experimental project.
It didn't help that I was moving at the time. The good news is that my boxes are unpacked and my computer is plugged in. I bought some a Y-splitter for my phone jack yesterday, and should be able to connect to the Internet from home again by the end of the day.
On the less good news front, I decided to let Joe keep Zem, our cat, with him from now on. I suppose I have what you'd call visiting privileges. But it's not really my cat anymore, and that's sad. When I came over the other day, Zem was very pointed about avoiding me to demonstrate his general disapproval of my being gone.
*sigh*
Anyway, I certainly have enough to keep my busy right now. I'm presenting a lecture on Virginia Woolf and critical responses to her novel Mrs. Dalloway this Thursday. And from there, things only get more hectic.
Wish me luck!
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Latest reply: May 21, 2001
Update on Life and Hugs
Posted Apr 24, 2001
Thank you all for the tons of hugs. They're really helped me through a difficult time. 
And here's a hug back for anyone I may have neglected. 
I have signed the final paperwork for my new apartment. I'll start moving my stuff in today.
Yesterday marked a strange shift in the relationship. But it wasn't the first.
Long ago, I felt guilty for being unable to make the relationship work better. I blamed myself for our problems, and did everything imaginable to improve things. It was over four years before I learned that Joe's childhood had a lot to do with his increasingly cold behavior towards me. I would have known it right away if he had been honest, but he presented his childhood to me as perfectly ordinary.
In reality, his father was an alcoholic plagued by visions from the violent crime scenes he photographed, both his parents had bad tempers, and their marriage was deeply troubled. Joe was left in charge on the frequent occasions when the kids were without supervision, and there was a lot of infighting among the siblings that went way beyond the norm. Joe learned how to hide his family's problems from the outside world and convince others to do it with him. It was probably an important survival behavior back then. But he never learned to stop as an adult, and ultimately wasn't willing (or able) to change on my behalf.
I went through all sorts of emotions when I found out. I felt confusion, anger, and resentment. Later, I learned to feel compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. But things never did improve with the relationship. On a very basic level, Joe wanted me to help him reenact his childhood. He was stuck in an endless loop, and therefore so was I. Eventually, I felt trapped, stifled, and ironically lost. It was as if Joe's personal problems were eating up my identity one day at a time. I sometimes wonder now why it took me so long to see what was really going on.
By the time the breakup finally happened, I had learned how to rebel. Part of that was developing an online identity away from his control. (Thanks ) I finally gathered enough inner strength to feel hope again. But it was hope for myself, not for the relationship. I guess I mourned the relationship when I realized that it was built on an unsound premise -- when I realized that Joe wasn't who I thought he was.
I had enough instinct to grasp that I needed to leave quickly, for Joe's sake and my own. Yesterday, I had to ask Joe to sign a form releasing me from our joint lease arrangement. He almost didn't do it. I wonder now what would have happened if he hadn't. But I convinced him that he didn't want me to remember him as a selfish, manipulating person.
Joe is getting some help now, but he seems mostly to want someone to help him with his relationship grief. On some level, he refuses to believe that he can't just make me come back. I think we were both unprepared for how heartbroken he would be, and how badly he would take it. He took the day off work today, rather than be around me.
Now I have a whole new set of feelings. I feel astoundingly free, relieved, and happy. But I also feel guilty for being so happy! I don't know if that's an appropriate response or not, but there you go.
I'm not sure whether I'm really finished with this yet. I need to get my stuff moved into my new place soon. And I will need a car of my own as well, if I'm to be completely independent. I'm also wondering now whether one of us won't have to transfer to another department in our company. Who knows?
Today I'm just glad that the tables have turned. Today, he's the one feeling bad and I'm doing okay. Thank heavens.
Discuss this Journal entry [27]
Latest reply: Apr 24, 2001
Anybody Have a Hug?
Posted Apr 18, 2001
I seem to be running a bit short on them...
I broke up with my longtime smoochie Joe over the past week. We've been together for over five years, and honestly the last three have been a terrible struggle. We're both perfectly stubborn and didn't want to give up on the relationship, I suppose. But towards the end, the stress and bitterness was expressing itself rather forcefully in the state of my health.
I finally threw in the towel a few days ago, and told Joe it was quits. And so I've spent two nights in an 'extended stay' hotel. I really don't recommend these, by the way. I fear I may be permanently ruined on the enjoyment of posh hotels. This place has everything, I kid you not, but in such an antiseptic and efficient manner that it's thorougly disheartening.
Anyway, my health is slowly returning I have a week's worth of clothes, my schoolbooks, a few sodas and frozen entries, and not much else. I can't even see my cat without being involved in uncomfortable conversations that have no chance of going anywhere.
Since Joe and I work literally a few feet apart from each other in the same company, I'm doing my best to keep the issue mum until I have my own apartment and a car of my own. My gossippy co-workers would skin us both alive while our backs were turned, and I really need to keep my job.
Meanwhile, our mutual friends are quite tired of hearing us fight, and I don't want anyone to feel they have to take sides. And my only surviving relative (my mother) is far, far away and hasn't wanted to discuss my personal life in any depth since I came out as bisexual something like 8 years ago.
Good grief. Does anybody have any hugs?
Discuss this Journal entry [23]
Latest reply: Apr 18, 2001
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