h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thank you all for the tons of hugs. They're really helped me through a difficult time.

And here's a hug back for anyone I may have neglected.

I have signed the final paperwork for my new apartment. I'll start moving my stuff in today.

Yesterday marked a strange shift in the relationship. But it wasn't the first.

Long ago, I felt guilty for being unable to make the relationship work better. I blamed myself for our problems, and did everything imaginable to improve things. It was over four years before I learned that Joe's childhood had a lot to do with his increasingly cold behavior towards me. I would have known it right away if he had been honest, but he presented his childhood to me as perfectly ordinary.

In reality, his father was an alcoholic plagued by visions from the violent crime scenes he photographed, both his parents had bad tempers, and their marriage was deeply troubled. Joe was left in charge on the frequent occasions when the kids were without supervision, and there was a lot of infighting among the siblings that went way beyond the norm. Joe learned how to hide his family's problems from the outside world and convince others to do it with him. It was probably an important survival behavior back then. But he never learned to stop as an adult, and ultimately wasn't willing (or able) to change on my behalf.

I went through all sorts of emotions when I found out. I felt confusion, anger, and resentment. Later, I learned to feel compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. But things never did improve with the relationship. On a very basic level, Joe wanted me to help him reenact his childhood. He was stuck in an endless loop, and therefore so was I. Eventually, I felt trapped, stifled, and ironically lost. It was as if Joe's personal problems were eating up my identity one day at a time. I sometimes wonder now why it took me so long to see what was really going on.

By the time the breakup finally happened, I had learned how to rebel. Part of that was developing an online identity away from his control. (Thanks ) I finally gathered enough inner strength to feel hope again. But it was hope for myself, not for the relationship. I guess I mourned the relationship when I realized that it was built on an unsound premise -- when I realized that Joe wasn't who I thought he was.

I had enough instinct to grasp that I needed to leave quickly, for Joe's sake and my own. Yesterday, I had to ask Joe to sign a form releasing me from our joint lease arrangement. He almost didn't do it. I wonder now what would have happened if he hadn't. But I convinced him that he didn't want me to remember him as a selfish, manipulating person.

Joe is getting some help now, but he seems mostly to want someone to help him with his relationship grief. On some level, he refuses to believe that he can't just make me come back. I think we were both unprepared for how heartbroken he would be, and how badly he would take it. He took the day off work today, rather than be around me.

Now I have a whole new set of feelings. I feel astoundingly free, relieved, and happy. But I also feel guilty for being so happy! I don't know if that's an appropriate response or not, but there you go.

I'm not sure whether I'm really finished with this yet. I need to get my stuff moved into my new place soon. And I will need a car of my own as well, if I'm to be completely independent. I'm also wondering now whether one of us won't have to transfer to another department in our company. Who knows?

Today I'm just glad that the tables have turned. Today, he's the one feeling bad and I'm doing okay. Thank heavens.

I think I stated before, that I am a fan of your journals, haven´t I?

I think, when you are breaking up, any feeling is a good feeling. And if you´re feeling guilty, that is quite normal. It is a matter of learning, in which cases you have to realy feel guilty (like forgetting to feed the cat) and when you may have a guilty feeling, but forget it quite quick (like shooing of the birds, or rescuing the mice from the cat...I would feel teribly guilty that I don´t let the cat have it´s way, but I would feel exceedingly happy, having saved the mouse, bird etc.)

Gosh, and I think you´re realy making a quick pace with the Post-seperational-psychic-junk, if you can feel satisfied at this point.

Carpe diem. That always does the trick, doesn´t it?

I do you believe you have said something along those lines.

I suppose any feeling *is* a good feeling. I was getting quite tired of not feeling much in general! Last night, I felt a bit lonely in my new apartment without much in it. But even bare, it's a tremendous improvement.

I'm already enjoying the numerous windows.

Carpe diem? I suppose. I would phrase it as, 'taking one day at a time.'

Glad things are going better... And that you can see its not your problem.

I'm a firm believer that it takes two people to create a create a ruined relationship, in the same way that it takes two people to create a good one. So I am certainly guilty of willful cluelessness, and unwarranted stubborness. Also, I think my idealism borders on naivete at times. But I think I can learn something from this whole experience.

You live, you learn...

Isn't it amazing how my entry on how to avoid getting the wrong partner fits to your sad story?

Yes, sadly so. A visit to his parents' home would have made several things abundantly clear at the beginning. But this was across the country and I didn't consider it. Plus the family was covering for Joe, acting as normal as possible with me on the phone and so forth. Well, live and learn...

I wish you from the bottom of my heart to find good partners!!!

Plural, even!

Yeah, I am very sure that is is NOT possible to have a good partnership with two partners only. Poly is a must to have a good partnership.

Er.. I'm sure there are some people who would disagree with you on that one.

Yes I know. But I'm quite sure about that, from my observations. I've yet to see one happy couple.

*nods*

I seem to be outnumbered!

Can we count you in?

nope you're not outnumbered Fragilis, I was nodding in agreement with you... but Wonko posted at the same itme as me!

I know way more than one happy couple...

Oh! I'm much relieved. I was a little surprised that you'd go with Wonko on that one. I know many unhappy couples, and many happy couples. It seems pretty variable. With some unhappy couples, the problems run deep enough that going polyamorous probably wouldn't fix the situation.

And Wonko, you can't "count me in" right now. I'm celibate at least for a while, so I don't have to take sides.

The "count you in" was a (polyamorous) play of words, as I think to be "in" with someones is better than "out"!

I'm still not convinced that there a happy couples out there. If you look behind the curtain you'll find unhappy people. Don't take their playing happy married couple for real.

I think that anyone in any situation can be unhappy if they try hard enough...

...but I can't imagine feeling comfortable with more than one other person; I'd rather be unhappy in my monoamorous way...