h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ahhh bless them...they're just protecting me....they can be quite sweet really, once yo uget to know them...personally.....
Perhaps they think you're some sort of psychopath, hell bent on my torturous destruction?


Why have you gone white Phil?


Hey I was only joking!

*to soldier*

Would you be so kind and pull this bayonet out of my leg?
Please? Thank you...

Double vodka, please...

*to zuzu*

Just shoot them all, let God sort them out later, is it, huh?

Now shooting people?
Really not my style.
Prefer your idea with the alcohol..let's get them really drunk and make a run for it!

Hey....barman make all theirs a double too....my friend here will pay....

*hicks*

Nearly 2 months!!
Then all you can do is hiccup?


How can we possibly make a run fo rit when you can't even stand?
Phil?
Phil?
PHIL????


Ever had a deja vue sort of feeling?

Deja vue?

Does that mean you're going to hurt me again?!

*downs another glass in anticipation of more pain, grief*

Phil, I've never hurt you!!
Honestly the things you say when you're drunk!
I know I may have broken your heart once or twice, but that's understandable for a girl like me really....and well, forgive me for mentioning it Phil...given the state of you...you're very lucky I do so!
Look
*whispers very loudly*
We've got to get these guys drunk and make a run for it...you getting drunk really isn't a solution. You're only supposed to pretend to be drinking.

Right after the next round you do something to attract their attention and I'll..sorry...we'll make a run for it.

But please Phil, don't tell them any of your jokes...we really can't afford to upset them.

*starts grinning in a really weird, dangerous, suicidal-maniac-sort of way*

HEY, YO(sorry)! EVERYONE, LISTEN UP!

*waits until soldiers, terrorists et al. stop mumbling to each other and raise heads to see the fu%$§r who has the audacity to interrupt their heated discussion of Emerson's concept of the over-soul and its influence on the transcendentalists' philosophy of oriental mythology as advocated by Whittier in direct opposition to Poe's romantic concept of Hinduism*

WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE??

*shocked silence*

'CAUSE HE HELD ON TO THE OTHER MONKEY THAT FELL OUT OF THE TREE!!!

*cricket in front of the window becomes very LOUD*

Hmmm.... zuzu.. ermm....
Hey? Where are you?

Do you really think I was going to stand there whilst you told one of your stupid jokes?
Do I look that stupid?
No, don't answer that.
Actually I knew when I told you not to tell one of your jokes, that you would....and I knew that then would be a perfect time to make my get away as all eyes, ears and ammunitions would be on you as oppose to on me where they'd naturally be at any other time!
Smart eh?
I'm not as stupid as you look.
Then, of course all I needed to do was break back in to rescue you..I mean, we've been through a lot now Phil....over the last 2 years (some first date eh?)...I couldn't just leave you!

I've grown quite fond of you in a pitying sort of way.....

Ohhhh........ That's the sweetest thing you've evr said to me...
You pity me....

Can we stop running now?

You may want to stop running Phil, but I'd sooner keep on just a little bit until those bullets aer out of back biting range.
Come on man....keep up!

There's a village up ahead. Perhaps we can go and hide out there?
You know mug a couple of locals and disguise ourselves as locals as in all the best "Carry On" films?

We could even continue our date there in a more romantic setting....if you get my drift???
Whadda you think Phil?


Phil?


PHIL!!!!???


Why are you running back towards the gunmen???

Romance.... ROMANCE... AARRRGHH!!!!

Love... then marriage... then children.... mothers-in-law... that'll be the death of me!

Think I'll talk to ol' Osama instead.... He may be shooting at me, but at least he's still got some sense....

*Gets gun out of boots, loads it and points*

Phil?
PHIL!!!!
STOP RUNNING!
TURN AROUND NOW!
Oh yes, that's right, it's a gun...and no, I'm not afraid to use it.

Now just start walking back towards me slowly and no one will get hurt.

There now isn't that better?

Silly man running off like that!

Now, let's continue with our date......and stop sniffling it really is so unbecoming.

I always knew a shotgun marriage would be the end of me.... but this is ridiculous...

*zuzu and Phil walk towards village; from the distance, they see a man approaching*

I can't believe it... CHARLES?? IS THAT YOU???

*man and phil embrace like old friends*

I don't believe it.... Charles, meet zuzu. zuzu, meet Charles. Charles Manson.

That looked like you were embracing as old friends!
*Whispers quietly to Phil*
Surely you don't know him Phil?


Errrr....Mr Manson....If I may call you Mr?
What are you doing here....shouldn't you in pris....I mean I understand you were residing in another country?
And how do you know Phil?
There's only one place you two could have met!
Phil?
What haven't you been telling me?

*Charles and Phil start singing*

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD... BLA,BLABLAA,BLAABLAAA.....

Hmm...? Oh, Charles and I met in a hotel once... well, sort of....

What sort of hotel was that then?
All inclusive?
En suite?
Very exclusive I'm sure.
Male only?
Sort of YMCA?



No stop doing that dance!!!!
Neither of you look like you're in the Village People!

Well....
Actually Phil....just turn around....hey...perhaps I have seen that behind before in a police uniform??


No! Sorry Mr.Manson! There aren't any police here....no really...just some crazed lunatics after our blood...nothing new when you're out with Phil....

Oh you knew that already?
That's why you like him?


Ahh....I see...

So....what exactly are you doing here?
*Zuzu giggle nervously appearing almost child like*
Holiday is it?

*Charles slowly walks up to zuzu, pulling a long, shining, jagged-edged object out of his pocket*

Hey Charley... Come on, she really didn't mean it like that... no police here....

*Charles puts the thing away*

now that's a good boy...

*walks over to zuzu*

Okay... look, he's a really nice guy - he just doesn't like it when you talk of the police, that's all... neither do I, as a matter of fact...

Ok....I see.....

So....here we are then...just the three of us...

What are we going to do now then?

Cinema?
Ice skating?
Bowling?

Umm...perhaps not.

Oh stuff it let's all go for a drink!
*To Phil*
But don't think you've escaped...we're having a romantic date if it's last thing we do!....no Phil....don't look at me like that.....

OK. Good idea. I'm starting to get sober, anyway... Not a good state to be in...
*walks into closest bar, downs a double vodka, passes out on the floor; famous last thought:*

My God... I left zuzu alone with Charley...

poor Charley, he was such a good friend...