h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey you!
How you doing?
I've had some excuses to miss dates with me in my time...but to sabotage a website...now that really does take the biscuit.......

Oh my God!
They managed to bring it back up again!!

Hot damn!!!

Can you even imagine the scale of this little operation of mine??
Weeks and weeks of elaborate planning, writing programs, all of them stupendously illegal, and and and....
OK. I surrender.
What do we do?

You used "Hot damn"!

Never heard anyone else use that except James Stuart in "It's A Wonderful Life" my favourite film....I'm impressed!

Well..it's difficult to escape from me!

I've been very busy since we last spoke...been skiing in Italy, tried to kill myself (unintentionally!) in a train station in London, had my cat (the one who went missing) put down (this week. Life has not been happy recently) and got a pay rise.

So what to do now?

Do we decide that fate has thrown us together again and accept...or do you try harder on your hacking programmes?

I suppose the hitman option still is a consideration.

How's your life? Just wanted to know whilst you're still able to tell me.

They use it in the South a lot. I'm visiting friends there this summer, so I thought it might be a good idea to get some practise in advance.
I'm sorry to hear about your cat. But, hey, look at the bright side: at least it got to see more of the world than most cats ever will!
Italy, huh? Where exactly? Please don't say Southern Tyrol - I insist that's still a part of Austria-Hungary. Err... Sorry. People are getting a bit right-wing on this side of the channel, and I suppose it's starting to rub off on me. Yeeez....
Hitman's not an option anymore, I'm afraid. Jail, you see. This time, he overdid it.
Besides, considering that there'll be plenty more trains for you to ride, this whole thing might take care of itself! Just wait and see...
What happened, by the way?
Hacking's out, too. Last time, they thought it was some guy on the Phillippines who did it, but next time I might not be so lucky....
My life's extremely busy right now. Have to write two papers in three weeks so I can get down to things that are really important, and much more fun.
Yeezzz....
So, you see, it's quite plain - we're stuck! Guess making the world unsafe seems our only option at the time... The only question is: when? A definite date would make things considerably easier for us....

I just seem to make my own life unsafe (will you put that voodoo doll down).
So actually associating with me should put anyone in danger.
I was skiing in the Alps, Aosta to be precise, which meant a very long coach journey with lots of very loud children...not a pleasant experience.
My accident occured when I caught my heel in my bag strap. I'd been staying with a friend and was no my way home with a large holdall. I managed to do the whole of a marble flight of stairs on my back. My right leg seemed to take most of the impact and I ended up in hospital. Most of the bruises have gone now, but I had a rather nasty wound which is getting better now. Come to think of it, there was a strange looking man lurking in the shadows at the time and I remember a rather sinister cackle as I fell....where were you 3 weeks ago?
So where are you off to in "the South"?
My next excursion is to Acapulco for Easter...watch out for the reports of plane crashes etc, following my current run of luck!
Should be back here later tonight and tomorrow night...I'm sure you owe me a drink.....

I've been at work all day long, as a matter of fact, I just got home.
I'm dead tired (had lots of screaming children around me, too), and will go straight to bed.
But tomorrow night sounds good!
See you then!(?)
P.S.: Texas.

Look it really is cold out here. They've been threatening snow!

I really don't think you should leave me here any longer.....

...think I'll go home now..

...I'm getting really fed up of being stood up....this is really doing nothing for my ego.....

If you do turn up later...tred carefully...think my ego has been left somewhere in a puddle..

Wait!
Just got in!
Still there?

I can't believe this!
We missed each other by exactly two minutes!!
This is a major tragedy! Well, it is a bit like in Romeo and Juliet, except we don't die (or do we? who is to know).
I've been at work a bit longer than expected, but I've also been waiting for close to two hours now, and chances of you answering my calls tonight are fairly low by now, so I guess I'm off to bed.
Sorry!
Ahhhh, this is so depressing.
We must be able to get together somehow!

Romeo, Romeo where for art though......

.....I must be mad (again, rhetorical remark) but here I am again....ego gazing up sorrowfully at me from this puddle..... it looks lonely, sad, and somewhat cold. I know how it feels.

Will call in later to find out if it's managed to climb out, dry off and rise to it's normal level of paranoia......

*briefly switches to his true identity*
Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this sun of York,
and all the clouds that lured upon our house
in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Err... Your paranoia may be well justified when dealing with me, you see...
Okay... Just mopped up your ego... I'm not giving it back until we finally manage to meet, against all odds... You'll just have to do without till then.
Okay. How about tomorrow or Friday night? I mean, this has got to work out somehow..can't be that difficult, now, can it??
If I'm still alive by then, that is. I'm off to the dentist now.
Won't tell you what he'll do, just this: he'll be using a saw.

Can I have my ego back now please?

I trust you dried it properly and it hasn't shrunk?

Not so fast! Still have to do the ironing, which I expect to take a while, what with all those wrinkles... Also, just looking at it, I think your ego requires a lot of stitching up - how could you ever let things go so far?? Have you no self-respect?
I wouldn't allow myself to be caught at the Eurovision contest wearing a thing like this!
As a matter of fact, I think I'll go to France and buy you a new one. They have plenty of ego, unsurpassed in quantity and quality.
Okay, think we should pick one that'll fit you perfectly... makes life a lot easier... Let's see... I think a tough fabric would be good... one that doesn't rip at the first sign of duress... we should just be careful not to make it *look* too tough, shouldn't we? leathery outfits aren't very fashionable at the current moment, I've been told... good, what else do we have? oh, yes, a soft, warm, cuddly scarf wouldn't be bad, would it? Has the advantage of looking quite inviting, and you can snuggle right in it in cold weather... plus, you can take it right off when the weather demands it, which can be extremely helpful at some moments, let me tell you... now, what do we have here? a turn-around jacket, I see... no, no good... creates the impression of pretentiousness and superficiality, which is okay for most people, but lethal if you really want to get ahead... now, on to a more, err, sensitive subject... don't be put off now, this is very important... yes, undergarments... okay, something no one would expect since it's tucked away most of the time... some people wear it inside out for everyone to see, but that's a truly tasteless thing to do - a true ego doesn't give itself away completely at first sight, and maybe never... but a neat surprise at the right moment, something people don't expect, is always good... okay, I think you caught my drift, I'll leave the rest to you... finally, we should discuss overcoats, as even the best get caught in extremely foul weather from time to time... this should be waterproof - some things you just don't want to creep under your skin. However, it should also be - and this is hard to pull off, but it's possible - be receptible to unexpected changes in the climate, as you never know how quickly the clouds disperse and the first warm rays hit you, and you mightn't have the time to take it off at the right moment, which can result in some truly devastating realizations as in regard to past mistakes of the weather forecast - getting rain instead of sunshine is bad, but the other way round is excruciatingly difficult to deal with in some cases, as you might find yourself missing some totally unexpected, but singularily attractive opportunities, so good preparation is of the essence.
Okay. Think this will fit you well.

Hope you have the money to afford this, though.

Do you really think they'd have all that?

And in my size?

Goodness me the French are clever aren't they?!

Imagine having that much material to make all those outfits....

By the way, what do you mean "Hope you have enough money....."

You did say you were going to buy them for me ....so generous, but understandable after letting my original ego get into such a state.....I mean many would say it was your fault........

That's business. Microsoft does just the same thing.
But for you, I think I might make an exception. I mean, you really are in need, aren't you?
Sooo, how about tonight? BTW - you might want to answer a bit earlier than usual (if possible, never mind if otherwise), as there's a time zone between England and Germany (hard to believe but true) which makes things a bit difficult for me:
Well, back to work (ha!).
See you tonight?

Hello!

Still awake?
If not... wake up and make some coffee!

I'm awake now....well as conscious as I ever am!

.......may be a little worse for wear after this bottle of red wine that I'm looking at.....

Wine? That's just what I need right now!
What a day... Hell on earth, to put it mildly.
Jesus... First, I broke the cash register by dropping a huge cupboard-like thingy on top of it. We were sold out, of course, which meant that the ticket person (very pc, isn't it?) had to sort of draw up tickets by hand - 300 of them, which was fun, judging from the looks she threw my way every now and then. But this was not it, oh no, not yet, because, yes, the projector broke down! And, who would have guessed otherwise, when I got the thing going again, this time it was the sound's turn! Hurray!!
Hope I'm not out of a job. Didn't see my boss today, but he's not gonna like this... especially when he receives the bill for the register!
Oh well... Still some teaching I can do... Considering the present state of the German school system (school? system? ha!), it'll be hard not to find work.
S**t.
Okay, this is it. I'm off getting drunk. This time, FOR REAL!

Sleep well!

So, did you miss me?
Yes, the aim will have to be better next time. I know, very witty as usual Phil. I've been immensely busy at work, then immensely busy staying at a friend's house in the South of England and am about to be immensely busy being on holiday in Mexico. Tequilla and hangovers here I come! Funny that. Tequilla makes me go from sober to ill very quickly only momentarily pausing at drunk and giggly to point a mocking finger at what I could have been yet have no hope of becoming.
Yeah I know, hysterical.
So did you get the sack?
Are you still speaking to me?
(Better be considering all those times you stood me up!)
So what's been the news for the past 2 weeks?
I'm off to Cuba in October!

Hey!
Still alive, are you...
Off to Mexico, hmm? When, and for how long?
Sounds like fun!
No, I didn't get the sack. Not at work, anyway. The female department is a different matter... What's the matter with you people? Don't you know certain things you just don't do? Because they hurt? Or maybe you know that perfectly well. And inflicting pain is in fact the goal of the entire operation... Now there's a thought...
Oh well. You live, you learn. (well maybe *you* do - *I* don't....)
I see you're hard at work - Southern England, Mexico, Cuba... Jeeezz, life's a bitch, isn't it?
Before you take off for Mexico (watch out for those Zapistas!), who knows, we might even be able to get on a date...


Yeeeaaaahhh, right.