h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So glad....not sure I like the errrr ambience of this cellar....
What flavour was this pizza? What are these green bits....don't look like peppers as I know them...I really don't like the way you're smirking at me Phil...
Right coat on...let me just finish my drink...
Where are we going then?

Trust me, okay?
I think you've had enough for now... let me have this, thank you....mmmm, good stuff!
Cab's waiting.

Now look, last time we went off in a cab like this we ended up in France and as I seem to remember, you, as usual, had no money and that was one hell of a cab fare.
Now before I get in this car, I want to see your wallet and not just the outside..need to see evidence of the folding stuff too...
...give me that bottle back.....

...it's empty. The inside of my wallet? If you insist... Yes, this is alligator leather...stitched it up myself...
Where I got the gator? Err, you don't want to know... No, really, just trust me on this one, will you?
Yes, those are very large bills indeed... have been doing awfully well for myself lately, you see.... what? oh, that... Never mind... No, it's not a - if you please! What are you thinking?!?
And no, it's not France we're off to - just the airport.

Now I have actually spent a few good nights out at the airport..probably better I spare those details...hold on...do you mean we're flying out somewhere tonight?
Hate to be a bore, but will I be back for work tomorrow then?

Never mind work. By tomorrow morning, you'll have things of an entirely different nature on your mind, let me tell you...
*vicious, yet sympathic snicker, which is hard to pull off*
Let's hear those details while we're getting there...

*Look of horror which is getting easier and easier to pull off due to vast amounts of practice this evening*
Phil please tell me where we're going..I mean...she said hopelessly thinking of an excuse....
I errrr....haven't got my passport...
*Relieved and triumphant look completely alien to her evening so far*

*laughs out loud*
Passport??!?!
*laughs even louder; gradually calms down*
No, really... you really made me laugh now...
Seriously though, passports are for law-abiding, boring citizens, people without any imagination to carry them along...
Err, by which I don't mean to imply you'll be breaking any laws tonight... Come on... you know me....
Ah, we're about to arrive....

But Phil, I am law-abiding and now I come to think of it..boring as well...
Look where are we going?
And more importantly am I dressed for the occasion?

Now, look, all you need is someone to wake the anarchist in you - I'm your man, believe me!
Don't you start - it's all arranged, and...
*dangerous glint in his eyes*
...I don't like it when people try to interfere with my plans, as some unfortunate souls were to find out at their cost....

Come on, get out of the cab... let's see what happens....
If I may remind you, I offered you a boring chit-chat, which would have been perfectly all right with me, but you wouldn't have it...
No, you needed something more exciting... something to lighten you up... well, you started it. Does Pandora's box suggest anything to you?

No turning back now. Not even that ra--, I mean, dress you're wearing!

Now, look, all you need is someone to wake the anarchist in you - I'm your man, believe me!
Don't you start - it's all arranged, and...
*dangerous glint in his eyes*
...I don't like it when people try to interfere with my plans, as some unfortunate souls were to find out at their cost....

Come on, get out of the cab... let's see what happens....
If I may remind you, I offered you a boring chit-chat, which would have been perfectly all right with me, but you wouldn't have it...
No, you needed something more exciting... something to lighten you up... well, you started it. Does Pandora's box suggest anything to you?

No turning back now. Not even that ra--, I mean, dress you're wearing!

Ok...hate to say it, but you're right....
I need to start living a little more (though I have a feeling that tonight may be the last living I ever do)...
But can you stop insulting my clothing please...I at least made an effort...whereas I'm not too sure that camouflage gear is the best get up for a much-awaited date....hold on...that doesn't mean ....ah well.....in for a penny....just pass that bottle quickly Phil.

Okay, it may not look very distinguished, but it has large pockets which are quite useful if you're taking certain... tools with you.
Okay, here we are, in the terminal... Let's go over to the check-in...
Hello. Tickets? Passport? Just a moment, please...
Hey, look over there, zuzu... I think it's Mel Gibson, isn't it?
...No? Sorry, must have confused him with somebody. Hmm? That noise while you were turning around? Oh, never mind. Where that nice lady is? Probably off to the restroom.... Come on, the plane's about to leave..

Don't care if it wasn't Mel Gibson anyway...was never very impressed by him anyway...
What is that big stain there? Looks like blood? No, can't be airports like this are so hygenic these days...
Good job I've got my boots on...my Jimmy Choo's aren't designed for running to catch planes...
It's strange but I didn't think you were allowed to board planes this close to their departure...
Still not sure where we're headed, but I must admit I'm becoming strangely excited by all this!

Told 'ya!
Ahhh, nothing like forbidden pleasures, is there?
Okay, here we are... Whoops, duck down for a moment, will you?
Err, nothing. Thought I saw a penny down there. Come on, hurry... We don't want that ticket person (whatever it is you call them these days) to see us, do we?
Here we are....yes, I always travel 1st class... Anything else is below my dignity...Have a seat. No, the one by the window's mine.

As long as I get to sit by the window on the way back!
There will be a way back won't there?
Look Phil, it must be my age or something (don't you dare!), but I am really sleepy all of a sudden...would you mind if I just have a small (well ok, make it large then if you insist) cognac and get a bit of sleep?
I'd really like to be refreshed for when we get "there"..want to enjoy this date...I promise I'll try not to drool on your shoulder and I think the snoring's more under control now...
So...if you can just get that flight attendant's attention for my drink and I'll just have a small nap.

*Swear* not to drool on my shoulder. This camouflage suit was designed by Armani.
As a matter of fact, sleep is a very good idea. I need rest to prepare for what is yet to come... whatever that may be....
Feel free to settle your head on my shoulder - or, alternatively, on my lap...err, okay, no need to hit me over the head, I got it..

Have a good night!

Are you sure that you're comfortable sleeping with one eye open like that?
You wouldn't feel better with them both shut?
Ah well, your choice.
How exciting...falling asleep here and then when I awake, being somewhere completely different...go on Phil give me a clue wh...
Phil?
PHIL??
Look if i'm not snoring, then the least you can do is repay the compliment..
I'll just put my earplugs in then...
You look quite sweet when you're asleep...funny how appearances can be so deceptive isn't it?
Night!

Huh-- What the-- .....???

Where am I?? What is this place??
Errr... Oh. Right.
Now that girl I dragged to this place.... What was her name? Hmm.... Oh right, I remember now... No, wait, that's not her name, that was the other one....
Whatever her name was, where is she?
Strange..... We're in mid-air...
Where could she be?

Ahhh, so you're awake now then are you?
What do you mean where have I been?
Just look around you Phil, there's nobody sat anywhere near you...we couldn't stand that snoring anymore. The rather helpful air steward, yes that's him the one who's winking at me now, found me a seat in the flight attendant quarters. Not entirely sure why there, there seem to be plenty of free seats on this plane, but not to worry. He was so helpful though. Told me to call him whenever I needed any help and seeing as I'm flying with you, I told him that could be quite often.
Apparently we're going to land quite soon...so Mr. Tour Guide what happens next?