h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ahh, there you are... Hold on a moment, please...
*walks over to flight attendant, tips him on shoulder*
Ticket, please.
*steward turns around*
Ticket, please... What?? No ticket??
*grabs protesting steward, drags him over to the door, opens same using steward's head, and throws him out; plane sinks a couple thousand feet, people scream; pilot manages to regain control just before hitting ground*
That's taken care of... Well, yes, I stole this somewhere, true, but still... effective as hell, isn't it?

That was some sleep!
Must really have needed that!
Had this very strange dream though..felt like I was falling..don't you just hate that feeling and you wake up with a jolt (no...not another person to eject)?
But feel perfectly refreshed now and ready for the next chapter in our date...strange but most dates I remember don't include long haul flights and sleeping...perhaps I'm just a littel old fashioned?
So just about ready to land then Phil...can't wait to see where we are...hope it's hot...have this amazing bikini...
Why do all the rest of the passengers seem to be so panic-striken?
Did I sleep through the in-flight horror movie?

Never mind them - people just aren't what they used to be. The slightest little aberration in the regular course of events will throw them into a perfect panic... Well, it's their fault if they choose to hang around my whereabouts, isn't it?!?
Glad to hear you brought your bikini!

As a matter of fact, I'd love to see you put it on right now!

I suppose what's good enough for Lara Croft is good enough for you..?

Don't be silly!
I'll have to wait until we get "there" properly....
Phil how are we going to get through the airport without our passports? I know we managed on the way in, but some of those armed guards look a little fierce.
Come on tell me now. Where the heck are we anyway??

Have a look out that window. Sand, palm trees, camels...
Yep, you've guessed right. Egypt.
Now, before you ask, there's a good reason for this. Something to do with my fondness of money. And the fact that I have no respect whatsoever for old burial sites, their inhabitants or the cultural significance of ancient artifacts.
Go figure.
The guards? Just a minute, please...
*walks over to guards; a show of whispering, wild gesticulating, and the occassional scrutinizing look thrown in zuzu's direction follows; then a handshake; comes back*
All settled.
Come on. Have to find us a couple of camels...
Hmm...? Oh, we just struck a little deal... They'll let us through, no questions asked... Made them an offer they couldn't resist...
Oh, you don't need to know... Just trust me on this...

Now I am actually very fond of Egypt. Been here a couple of times. Now if it's archaeological sites you want, there are a few intersting ones going on in Memphis...those in the Valley of The Kings and Queens etc are too well known...but what we really need to do is to get to Jordan....some amazing sites there where you can pick up a whole manner of interesting artefacts....
Why are you looking at me like that? Yeah, ok so I'm not so naive and innocent as I may have made out, but a girl likes to be mysterious you know!
Anyhow, you started it!
Come on. Let's go...this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
They based Lara Croft on me you know...................

Well, Lara darling, let's get going then...
Jordan sounds good, but I'd like to spend a few days at the pyramids as well - I'm sure there must be *something* they've overlooked!
I've always suspected there's more to you than this ridiculous outside appearance of yours may suggest....
Now, since Lara's based on you, there's something I'd like to ask you.... err... are those real?!

Ridiculous??
OK, so my dress sense may be a little.....well....eccentric....but the rest of me is OK...the electrolysis is going well and that rash has nearly cleared up....
I think your allegations are entirely unfounded!
OK...off to the pryamids it is then...but can we call in at that KFC opposite first please (Sorry but I'm starving and I know a candle-lit dinner is out of the question)...
....Oh and by the way...Lara and I do share certain statistics in common.....

You do...? Gee....
Never would have thought one could grow his/her fingernails this long... tell me, how do you do it?! How do you keep them from rolling up? Let me know, I find this fascinating....
KFC.... Is this the impression I've made on you?
Sad....

Sad, but realistic I'm afraid...I mean I've ended up paying each meal we've had!
And really Phil...Lara and I do not share fingernail statistics!!! You're so funny sometimes (just not on this occasion).
So come on, let's get on these camels...bet Lara had better transport.....

*snickers*
You bet, she had something better to ride, hehe...errr...uhm..
What? Err.. nothing. Forget it. Hmm..? Aw, come on, just what are you thinking?!?
But, come to think of it, you're right - camels aren't premier choice - I've got something better...
How does an airplane suit you?

Phil, we've just got off a plane and I seem to remember that that particular journey involved your usual amounts of bribery and violence (in no particular order)...we're going to do that again?
But there's no airfield near to the Pyramids at Giza? Or are we off to Jordan after all? And I still haven't eaten. Phil...

PHIL!!!
Look will you stop winding that armed guard up so much...you worry me sometimes...and can we go to the beach at sometime please? I didn't bring this bikini all this way for nothing.

Phil?
PHIL??!!!
Now where the heck have you gone now??

Whoops... Sorry.
Just saw a belly dancer over there....

Err... Before you try and poke my other eye out, I think you should know that it is I who'll do the flying...

We can go hit the beach any time if you like, but not going there does not mean you can't wear your bikini any time! As a matter of fact, there's nothing I'd like to encourage you more to do - let's check up on those statistics, shall we..?

Are you sure you want anything to eat? I feel I should tell you that most people I've flown with tended to lose their lunch in mid-air...
Cowards.

(Sorry had minor holiday in Crete thrown in...but am back now!)

Are you sure you know how to fly Phil?

And I'm not too sure about hijacking/borrowing a plane.

Mind you I could play at Air Stewardessing and there's bound to be food on board somewhere.

Ok..let's go.

But the bikini does not go on until we hit that beach...understod?

Right, just before we go, can we check to make sure there are parachutes on board?

Hey! You're back!!
Crete huh? How was it? Did you meet that bull I keep hearing about?
Think I'll become a teacher and emigrate to England - sounds like one good life to me!
Well, I for my part am going on a MAJOR vacation - I'll try and cover Dallas, Tennessee, Washington, New York, Philadelphia and Vermont over the next month or so.... Leaving on Tuesday! YAY!!

*goes to a shack, opens creaking gate*
Ahh, still there... zuzu, meet Beaver, my old trusty double-decker... No, the flying type...
*helps zuzu on board*
No need for stewardesses, and no, we don't serve food on board...
*checks guns mounted on wings*
Might be lucky and find a camel, though...

Parachute? Good idea! Here, take this one.... you might wanna put in on right now... Oh, it's one of the old types, you need to take your shirt off - wait, I'll give you a hand....

Just watch it buster!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!!!

Phil, I mean it....please don't or I'll be forced to do something one of us will regret.



**TWACK**



I did warn you...Phil?

Phil?

PHIL???

Oh do stop crying. It's so unattractive and now look, your mascara's running.


I'm sure you'll be able to walk again soon.

(Great. Here I am, sitting in Dallas, and it's hot, I mean, IT'S HOT,
and what do I get? Abuse!)


Hmpf...
No need for that. Let's go without any further ado.
*starts motor, plane leaves shack, hits a dozen people, then takes off*
Hey! Cut it out, will 'ya!? Leave that stick alone!!!

(Ok..sat in Liverpool and it's raining...and I mean raining.....)

Oh Phil, I always wanted to have a go with one of these....what happens if I pull it?

Whoah!

And if I pull it back?

Hey this is good!!!


Phil, your eyes appear to be watering....again...

(oh really... am in Washington DC, and it's EVEN HOTTER!!)

If it's the control stick you're looking for, move your hands up a little...

no, really....

(It's been sunny here..sometimes..well ok...once)

Oh sorry...my mistake...easily done I think you'll agree.

Just wipe that stupid smile off your face Phil...no really....stop it...you're scaring me now.

So are you going to let me land this baby then?