h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

received via a friend - so don't know originator

REVENGE ON THE TELE - MARKETING & JUNK MAILERS

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that UPVC Window sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's
time to go back and hang up your handset .... you have efficiently
completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a
'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is
to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times,
as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the
call and it kicks your number out of their system.


( 3) When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-prepaid return
envelopes, it costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they
are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case,
why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in
these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.
Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... they
might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up. You get
the idea. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their
blank application form ... after all, it is their form!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ..
you are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their
own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to OVERWHELM them, in
order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of
all they're paying for it ... Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they
will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

not saying that following these tips will work ----BUT! maybe you'll get
very little junk mail anymore.

Hi Prof - timing or what?

Just as I read your entry, yes the phone went with one of the annoying recorded messages - instead of slamming the phone down I used the hash key and it went all funny - great!

Probably safer than my more recent method -

We had recently been getting a load of them, and without being racist, all of them were from people who, shall we say, were probably not sat in this country.

Eventually I got so fed up with my family time being interrupted that as soon as one got as far as "Meester P******", I just told them what they could do to themselves, and put the phone down.

On Monday the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Is that Mr. P*******"

- but thank heaven's something stopped me saying other than "yes", because it was the secretary at Kitty's school, ringing to tell me she was ill!

hi all
-
i dont get the calls anymore, i have the telephone preferance service, its free and only takes a few days to be activated.
-
and junk mail, i stick in a bin near the front door, lol jim

1 and 3 I do already, 2 is an interesting tip, thanks

most people who want your business, want to speak to the home owner.
i just tell them that i am a tenant. im not though, i AM the owner.

the latest call wanted to speak to mr serenity, implying that he was the homeowner and the only one who could deal with any financial needs.
i was quite put out as the house is in my name only and its not even the same surname as his

I love it when some one calls and asks to speak to Mr ******** (my dad) I usually start with "Are you a medium?" to which the answer is "Why?", "Because you'll need one to speak to my father, he's been dead for 10 years" and then try not to laugh at the spluttered apologies

That's a plan. I'll do it. Passed the message along to my sister with a suggestion she put it on her talk circuit. Should produce a ripple.

A while ago, I was round at the Mother-In-Law's house. The phone rang. Her teenage grandson answered.

There was a short pause, then he turned and said "Nanna, who's the homeowner?"

"The council!"

Turning back to the phone, he said, "Oh, sorry mate, the council's not in at the moment!" and put the phone down.

It took us quite a while to stop laughing...

Thanks Prof I wonder if the # thing works here too... I shall put it to the test

You know,I used to work as a telemarketer..really been what I've been doing for the past 10 years,and this is really a good bit of advice you have given here..the average telemarketer works in a situation where contacting and soliciting is the prime directive..call,call,and call!! And very soft on the poor person at home who has to endure the nuisance..

Don't forget that the telesales people are on low wages or none at all (commission only). They're often young and inexperienced. Don't get caught up in their scripts, but every one is a human being and deserves a modicum of respect. They're having to do a terrible job out of economic necessity. Have you ever had to do it?

Sadistic fantasies should remain just that - fantasies.

Jab

Except Madspaniard, obviously. There's a law somewhere against telephone intrusion, I forget where. Id all else fails the CAB will know. All you have to do is sign up for it. I did, and I get no nuisance calls whatever. But that might spoil your sadistic dreams.

IF all fails...

I've gotten to the point where I get very little junk mail, and can't remembe the last time I got a cold call trying to sell me soemthing.... I registered with Two sites... the name of which escapes me now (did it online), and one cut off unsolicited postal mail, the other the unsolicited phone calls.... Of course it doesn't stop it all* but what junk mail I still get I've 'elected' to recive; Having gone to the efofrt of reading all the small print for my bank account, one of the things I've agreed to by signing up to have an account with the particular bank, is that they have the right to sell my details on to 'third partys', for 'marketing purposes' I don't know if all banks do it... or just mine... but it doesn't amount to much... the main bulk of unwated mail is incorrectely dilivered things for our neighbours, and mail we get for everyone who's ever lived in the house I wish there was a way to stop that ...

Ahh! reemberd?;
TPS (telephone preference service),
PS (mail preference service)... they were online and free and easy to register on and worked pretty well (once I'd remembered to register everyone who lives here, and everyone who had ever* lived here (esp for the postal mail one anyhows))...
Just wish there was an Email prefernce service
As someone who worked many many years ago in a call centre, cold calling people (yeh, selling windows), if we got a 'cuttomer' who was particualrly* flamboyant, furious/suchlike when we called them, then we'd pass the number round to everyone in the room to call

Those telemarketing calls, usually in the dead of night while I'm sleeping across time zones. If its not a dead line, I immediately ask, "Who is this?"

If it proves to be a recorded message, I hang up. If I do not get an immediate response to the question, I ask a second time, "Who is this?"

If they still do not identify themselves, I hang up.

In the future, rather than merely hanging up, I will hammer the # key.

I've never seen what's so difficult about introducing oneself properly.

"Hello, my name is _____. I represent _____. I would like to talk to you about _____. etc."

when I get these phone calls I interrupt them quite soon, ask if whatever they are going to tell me will cost something and then explain I have no work and three kids too feed: they usually apologise, wish me good luck for the future and that's the end of the conversation....

Very interesting - we get them almost every day, even though we are signed up not to receive them. They get away with it by saying 'We are not trying to sell anything, just advise you'. The long way round to saying they are .

When you get a call-centre phone, say "unfortunately we are very busy at the moment, give me your home phone number and we will get back to you". If they then say we cannot do that, say "well you phoned me at home, so why can't I phone you at your home?" .

I agree though, a lot of the call centres are abroad and the staff are paid very little. I understand they are just earning a living; they move the call centres abroad as it is cheap labour .

The phone just went, a usual silent tone indicating 'call centre'. I was just about to slam the receiver down when a voice answered, it was my doctor . Good job I never said anything rude when nobody first answered .

Nigel

A lot of banks and insurance companies have now realised, I think, that moving their call centers to India was a bad idea because no-body wanted to deal with someone who had trouble understanding basic English, a lot of the big companies trumpet the fact that they have UK based call centers

They're not the enemy, it's their big bosses that are their and our enemy.

Have you seen either of the (at least) two recent documentaries on the subject? Just because they're Indian they have to put up with terrible hours and lots of unexplained hang-ups (bang-downs), plain abuse and sheer naked racial abuse from the freedom-loving British. And that doesn't include the perverts that their bosses tell them to keep talking to with the forlorn hope of getting some business done. And these ones weren't even cold callers - it must be even worse for them!

Jab