h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In an attempt to seduce her neigh-boer (the South African centaur living next door) she replaced her zebra with a ze-through-bra - and I aint lion!

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

He told a story about his eight-foot-three grandfather. It was a tall tale.

The carpenter purchased his measuring stick at a yard sale last week.

You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.

Neuter your dog - an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of curs.

The water department made a gallon-ant effort to provide litre-ship during the drought.

His curriculum vitae said that he was fast at 100 metres and he had a good track record.

In ancient times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

You didn't need to be an expert sailsman to sell one.

The shipowner's bark was worse than his brig

The drunk captain ordered his crew to hoist three sheets to the wind

A ship's captain is a sails manager.

So I understand they've developed polyethylene sails for boats now. I guess it's clear sailing from here on.

A leak in the back of a boat is a stern warning.

Ancient vessels lacked stability because there were no rudders in the days of yaw.

The pirate captain's list was to starboard when he failed to ketch his bottle of port which fell onto the poop deck after he nearly keeled over.

this ship stinks it's got a poop-deck

[This is a true story]

A man had heard that there was to be a concert of music by the 17th Century composer Samuel Scheidt. he'd never heard music by this composer before, so he set out for the concert hall. When he got there, he saw the concert had started.

"Excuse me," he whispered to a man in the back row. "Is this Scheidt?"

"It certainly is," the man replied.

I crossed a mobile with a skunk, and now the service stinks.