h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

put the lap dance on my tab and the tap dancer on the lab if she isn't too heavy for him

does the lap dancer do the Indianapolis 500

What do you call an angel that dances on a keg in a saloon?

A tap dancer.

When Bill got a clean bill of health, he wrote out another Will where he would give most of his belongings to Will his nephew who worked as a civilian administration officer for the Old Bill, and his motto in life was "Where there's a Will there's a way" and always picked up the bill when Bill who had given him the winning numbers of the National lottery and the football pool scores jackpot prize.

do not fire at will, he is only the piano player

the first time ever I saw your face - I still couldn't tell the time as I couldn't count past 6

Every time my clock told the time, I had to silence it.

The fingers both point to the face which must be struck without alarm: this is no wind up.

do you call a man with a watch on his face, a dial'i lama

There was a leek in the irrigation piping in my garden where the leeks leeked into.

As I rocked around the clock, eating a bag of rock cakes wearing my best rocks and finished off rocking myself to sleep in my rocking chair as listen to some old rock'n'roll on the radio.

Do you call a man inspecting a watch someone with time on their hands?

"Watch" has to be an ironic term. If you actually watch your watch, you can't see the bigger hands move.

when I said mark time, I didn't mean knock a nail in the watch

Salvador Dali doesn't kill time, but he certainly abuses it.

he certainly saw warp drive on the face of it

Yes many of Dali's paintings are bent.

Holmes! the man has spirit, elemental my dear Watson

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he titled it The Deer Sleigher. He could have also called it The Abdominal Snowman. On the inside cover appears a photograph of Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera.

In the pages of this expose, you'll find out that Santa's primary language is North Polish. You'll learn that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves tending his three gardens and exulting, "Hoe, hoe, hoe!"

You'll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses

Buck bucked the trend at the buckaroo contest where he stayed on the horse for three minutes.

To celebrate he had a party where everyone was served Buck's fizz + and they all danced to Buck Fizz cd tracks .