h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

An optician told her patient: 'It appears your vision is improving!' 'Really?' replied the Celtic patient. 'Must be the luck of the (Irish) iris.'

West Ham is well known for its cold meats, especially of ham products.

He is bald now, but once he had a proud hairitage (heritage); for him to get a wig it would toupee a lot of money.

That's a Shakespeare phrase

toupee or not toupee, that is the question...

If Mr. Drumpf is re-elected there will be hell toupee

I'm Biden my time until the general election in November.

The chef broke out in boils all over her body as she was placing the eggs into the boiled water.

Juno it orbits between Mars and Jupiter ?

No I didn't..

"I guess asteroids wear pants."

"How do you know?"

"Well, they wear a belt, don't they?"

does meteorites means they have to be treated as equals to other solar objects ?

Are you suggesting you would treat an asteroid just like you would treat Uranus?

We passed a huge factory with a sign reading: "We produce 42,000 sausages every day!"

My sceptical English friend said: "That's a lot of polony"

We passed a huge factory with a sign reading: "We produce 42,000 gallons of vegan milk every day!"

My sceptical friend said: "That's udder nonsense!"

Lettuce go to the market today. If we go early enough, we can get a head of the other shoppers.

vegetables on stage, are just carrot'ures playing a part

Just vegetables?No fruits. Let someone in the audience give them the raspberry.

Orange you glad I brought you a Goose, Berry?

if you hadn't, I would be blue, Barry.

Young Anna grew up to become the best contortionist west of the Pecos. But this was of course no surprise to her great-grandfather. You see old man Conda was a very skilled fortune teller.

Anna Morphic could never see reality in it's true form